September 23, 2010
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Of Fools and Friends: Should you Sexually Stereotype your Friends?
I've decided to do a series on friendship. We start with an intentionally provocative topic that I think is particularly good to talk about on Web 2.0, where normal boundaries often get blurred...
This fall I've been reminiscing about the simplicity of my middle school and high school friendships. I had the guys in my class, my brothers, and two older female friends who I never thought of dating. However, as I've grown older, I see just how complicated friendship can be when there exists the potential that one friend is hiding their true romantic feelings.
Take for example the following three scenarios:
You are single and actively dating. A married person of the opposite gender, around your age, is your friend at work. You get along well and eat lunch at the same table. They ask you to be their friend on Facebook. "This way we can get to chat back and forth all day long at work too! It'll be a lot of fun."You are younger and at your first job. Your co-worker is about 15 years older, single, of the opposite gender. He/She is very friendly and helpful to you. "Hey, I heard you like the Buckeyes" they say to you. "Why don't you come over to my house and we can watch the game together?"
You made a friend from Xanga, opposite gender, who lives in another country. This country is far enough away that you don't think you will ever visit them. They are really excited about wanting to talk to you on Skype. "You're always on late, and it works perfect with my time zone! Let's do this every night!"
None of the three people is a bad friend. But, it's possible that each person may have some sort of crush on you, and you are not likely to return that crush. The question is, is it fair for you to set boundaries and say "Married/older/far away people can only get this close to me?" Or do you see that as stereotyping, and let each person go as far as they can until they prove themselves untrustworthy or to have intentions that are more than just friendship? I'm curious what you all think.
Comments (22)
I had to use the "s-word" in a title. I don't know how I'm going to explain this to mother.
@GreekPhysique - Your mom need not fear the word "stereotype". (;
Depending on what you think marriage is or should be, I think it's a good idea to keep boundaries. I don't think you would want a friend telling you secrets about their husband or something...
I can see some red flags in all three scenarios agreeably.
However, I would not personally write them off. I don't have a very vast number of friends that I see on a regular basis, so I am happy for all of those that I can get and appreciate them. It's nice to have people around.
@ShimmerBodyCream - I actually get that a lot. I try not to let them tell me too much
but yeah...balancing act. Married women and teens, my two key demographics! Now we just have to figure out if I get assaulted by someone's dad or someone's husband...kidding!
I'm somewhat slow to trust in general (of people at work or just around real life) so those situations wouldn't be too much an issue. I only let them so close. Where I get in trouble is with the third- online... but after a few burns it seems to have worked out for me.
I choose to always assume that the persons intentions are pure until they demonstrate otherwise. I do find it helpful to let opposite sex friends know exactly where I stand, up front, just so there's less confusion on the signals they may think I'm sending out. I'm married and I've learned the hard way that activites with male friends of any age are generally better when it's not just the two of us. It's easy for a friendship to drift slowly into something more so I think it's a good idea to have clear boundaries and do a relationship check up on yourself now and then. Just because someone started out only wanting to be your friend and then began to like you as more than that doesn't mean they lied to you or always intended things to end up like that. It may just mean that the more they knew you the better they liked you.
^^ What @Ro_ad808 said.
@tsh44 - You automatically assume people's intentions are pure? Seriously... I was amazed by that. I go in assuming "guilty until proven innocent," in most cases. How do you maintain your optimism? (I'm honestly curious.)
I find it interesting that you sort of lump "untrustworthy" and "have intentions that are more than just friendship" together. Sometimes those feelings develop, organically, over the course of a friendship. And sometimes they don't. You don't stop flying altogether because the plane could crash and kill you in a fiery, fiery death.
Totally stereotyping. They may have a crush, but if they do, that's their problem.
If they tried anything, I'd stop it, but just hanging out or being friends on Facebook (seriously, Greek, how is that even sexual? You're such an internet prude sometimes =P ) is not necessarily hitting on you.
The third one worries me, however, but that might just be because webcams freak me out.
See, let's break this down to the basics; MEASUREMENTS AND HAIR COLOR PLZ
A year ago, the only one that would give me pause would be the last sitch.
I hate being disillusioned, but..it's easier to act on the 'guilty until proven innocent' deal.
Right now, I'd say all three are somewhat "suspicious" in that I may guess their motives.
Oh, btw- GO BUCKS
@Passionflwr86 - It's not automatic, it's a choice. I was exposed to some of the worst people humanity has to offer while growing up and as an adult I had to make a choice whether I let those monsters control how I view the world or whether I choose another path. I decided who I want to be and forced myself to choose to trust, choose to love and choose to think the best of people. After a while it became a habit. I'm so happy I chose that path instead of the distrustful bitter path I was set on as a child. I think my life is much richer for it. I still have negative thoughts about people sometimes but I choose to purge them and work daily on keeping my mind positive. I've learned that most people are better when trusted.
Creepily enough, I've been in situation #1 and #2 but not exactly like that...arms length is the way to go. Friendly but don't transgress any boundaries
Yay, new entry! I wrote one too! Haha. Unfortunately, I have no real comment of use. For me, it seems like things always end up in a sexual way, but I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt anyway.
@tsh44 -
I choose to always assume that the persons intentions are pure until they demonstrate otherwise. I do find it helpful to let opposite sex friends know exactly where I stand, up front, just so there's less confusion on the signals they may think I'm sending out
- Well said and I agree.
It's important to let people know where I stand and if I have a boyfriend..then I'll tell them especially the guys that wanna flirt with me. I've never been in some of those situations..though I've had many guys flirt with me..though I think it's less about stereotyping and knowing where your boundaries are..and what you would want to do.
I guess I'm pretty open to someone wanting to be my friend in those situations unless there is something inherently objectionable or uncomfortable to me in their personality itself. I've always had close guy friends. My current boyfriend is sometimes a little uneasy when I mention my guy friends at work, and I think he may be right when he surmises they may have a crush on me. But unless they act on it....who am I to judge? I'm not going to set boundaries unless they are necessary: and since I've always state upfront I am already in a relationship. I've never had any trouble in this area myself.
I find situations one and three completely harmless. They are typical for the way people communicate these days, which is to say, frequently at work, and also through Skype.
Three is the only one that is slightly weird because the person is 15 years senior and also a coworker. As the lines at work may be crossed, this would be the only one that gave me pause.
But, for goodness sake lol, I wouldn't walk around thinking every person of the opposite sex I talked to harbored a crush on me. That's just silly.
the latter
hmm, interesting question... never really thought about these things as it tend not to happen in my life
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