January 25, 2011
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Do your Gifts Intimidate Would-be Lovers?
I know a lot of intelligent women. In the past, I've heard them say that their intelligence intimidates men. I of course respond by telling them that it is because such men are dumb, and that men who were smarter than them would not be intimidated. (I then immediately quote my test scores and ask them what they are doing Friday night. Kidding!).
But seriously, there are many women and men out there who feel their giftedness keeps them back from true romantic happiness. There are many books dedicated to helping the gifted find love. I even recommend one of them, Dr. Whelan's "Why Smart Men Marry Smart Women", because the book also offers some common-sense ways to find a compatible mate.
However...the older I get, the more I think that blaming the gifts God gave you for your lack of romantic fulfillment is dangerous ground. Yes, it's true that the gifts we possess make us picky in some ways. Smart people can't abide fools, and athletic people may be quickly disappointed in out-of-shape lovers. But on the other hand, smart people can better appreciate someone else's gifts because they too are gifted, and athletic people perhaps should realize that they can help a non-athletic person improve. Also, there is something nice about having an area of expertise in a relationship; you may be the artistic one, but then maybe he/she can be the eloquent one, or the athletic one, or...etc.
However, given that argument, do you think that you are romantically disadvantaged because you are so creative, athletic, wealthy, or intelligent? I know that women tend to complain about this much more than men do; perhaps I am missing something.
Comments (33)
no I am romantically disadvantaged just because I am romantically disadvantaged.
I'm romantically disinclined which may or may not be related to said 'gifts'.
That said- can we compare GRE scores now?
@my0nlyh0p3 - Oh, don't tempt me. 2250 on 2400 scale (took in 2002). 710 Verbal, 760 Quant, 780 Logic. Only 1470 on today's scale
I honestly think people put too much stock on finding "the one." Having a love in your life is a great thing, but people have done great things with what God has given them, and have had many people love them for it, and they have turned out just fine without someone by their side.
It is a true blessing to have someone in your life to share things with, but if you do what God asks of you with what God asks of you, then you will never be alone, not only in spirit with God, but with the ones you've touched who will love you and never run away because of selfish pride...
@GreekPhysique - I'm pretty sure I'm intimidated.
(seriously.)
the GRE is not a reliable indicator on how well one will do in graduate school. or of intelligence.
that said, i'm mind-blowingly smart and awesome and that's why i can't(or won't) find love! they are all so intimidated! or jealous! lol
actually, it's because i'm emotionally unavailable and if anyone got that close, i'd push them out. D: could be worse.
@BranmacFeabhail - i also think that most men are pigs and have a certain disdain for males. trying to get over the disdain part. one step at a time, right?
when I read the title, I immediately replied "YES!". It was something I thought of recently - I'm a chick who sings and plays the guitar. If I was of the male persuasion this would undoubtedly get me laid. A lot. Being female...it gets me jack squat. Guys are not enthralled because I play the guitar and they don't want to date me because of my pretty voice. It's intimidating. Add to the fact that I use big words on occasion, and I am an outgoing, fairly independent woman spells disaster for me romantically. I used to resent this but I think I've come to terms with it now. I like who I am, and I really don't give a flip if a guy doesn't. He ain't got the cajones to date me if he finds my "gifts" intimidating, so he isn't someone I would like anyway. It's a non-issue and one I have cried over for ten years without it helping a damn thing.
but after reading your post, I think people with gifts can make those things an asset if they bear them in humility and have a desire to be with people who aren't identical to them. If they can appreciate others gifts or even share the wealth in a non-condescending way, then it may not be the curse perceive it to be. I think many times my pride comes in the play when I think guys are put off by my capabilities. A "to-hell-with-them" attitude is more to blame than any gift I may possess.
I asked Janssen to answer your question and immediately after reading the question he responded that anybody as creative, athletic, wealthy, intelligent, and handsome (yes, he threw this one on her), has to be romantically disadvantaged. *smacks forehead*
i'm not sure if its my gifts or the vacation God has called me to use my gifts doing. Not a lot of people want to date a pastor...esp. a female one... I also use a large vocabulary and I have had this pointed out to me on numerous times as well. My inability to talk to males outside of my social circle may also be hindering me..i'm not shy normally, just when i have a crush on them. SO...that being said, I think there are a variety of things at play...and I haven't even touched on the emotional stuff!!
My boyfriend and I are gifted in similar ways, and we're gifted in very different ways, too. We complement each other very well. His talents encourage/impress/attract me, and vice versa. He's the talker, and I'm the listener. I thought when I first met him that he was out of my league because he was so charismatic and attractive (and wealthy, it turned out), but I learned that he didn't look down on me. He wasn't some stuck up rich kid, and he didn't give a damn that I was from a different social class.
We are both very intelligent people, and we enjoy that we challenge and mentally stimulate one another. Some outsiders see our discourse and assume I'm his yes man, but that isn't true. We definitely do share many of the same values, opinions and beliefs (which is important in a relationship), but there are topics that arise once in a while that we heatedly debate about. Those often deal with literature, morality, hierarchies, violence and religion. I wouldn't be happy in a relationship with anyone who wasn't my intellectual equal. However, I don't think it ever would've crossed my mind that my intelligence or other talents might be intimidating and ruin a relationship. Perhaps that's because the people I've dated were all smart, and they were also gifted in other ways.
I am going to check out that book; thx for the rec!
i feel weird thinking that my "incredible gifts" is what's throwing people out of my way. i can relate to being an athlete and not being attracted to people that don't run... i think there's just some different wiring in our heads or something. but i don't think i've even blamed my lack of lovin on my intimidating incredibleness. usually i blame it on other people and remind myself that they don't really know me very well.
No not at all...The gifts I have make me more attractive to the type of men I find attractive. Any woman saying that her great intellect intimidates men is likely just making excuses for being unpleasant to be around. Smart men love smart woman, but there is nothing smart about being a bitch.
If an intelligent woman is dating a guy who is intimidated by her intelligence, then she is dating the wrong guy.
I can actually really relate. I do believe two of the men I dated in 2010 even used the word "intimidating" to describe me, and I often feel like I intimidate men which is so frustrating for me. It got to the point where I would hide all of my art before a guy came over, and I would throw all of the books that scatter my car into the trunk. I wouldn't try to dumb myself down per say, but I would try to appear... well, less intelligent. It seems that most of the excessively intelligent men I am attracted to never find interest me.
There are too many people that are alive and speak my language and live in my region of the world and are within a dating age range for me to feel like there's any way that I wouldn't have a sizable pool of potential mates. Perhaps if I were more exceptionally gifted I might find it more difficult but I think that the density of humanity at this point in history is too great for many people to seriously blame their unique qualities for their romantic inabilities. I wonder how much time these people spend outside meeting new people and doing new things.
@vanedave - And the other way around? Is it necessarily the intimidation that's problematic or is it the difference in ability?
@striemmy - I think its the intimidation. It can be one thing to say two compatible. But if someone feels uncomfortable around you just because you are gifted in one way or the other, I think it say more about them than you.
This post is about personal failings in need of bad excuses!
in relationships i have found that i can intimidate men - hike faster, climb harder, solve math faster, have a more prestigious job - and still have a great relationship. it's getting your foot in the door that's the problem. you can date someone just fine - as your Dr Wheeler might say. it's that a guy is less likely to ask you out if he's somewhat intimidated. i've heard it from friends before, that they didn't ask me out back when we met merely because they felt a wee bit inadequate. probably this would have led to great troubles if we'd ended up dating. i'm grateful that my current man has no such qualms.
I think quite a few men are insecure and do not like women they perceive as smarter. I say perceive because I know a lot of talented men that I have intimidated. It seems to me that some of the smartest, most talented always end up with the bimbos. What is up with that? I noticed one of the really neat, talented Christian guys that I was chatting with temporarily on the Internet and abruptly stopped talking (as they all seem to do) had pictures with a cute little blonde ten years younger than him. That put her early 20s. And I read some of her wall postings, it is unfair to say she is a bimbo because I don't know her, but that would probably be a safe assumption.
That being said, I have plenty of smart men that want to take advantage of my talent, intelligence & beauty - it is just that usually they are all married. I want a guy that I perceive to be smarter than me - which really shouldn't be that hard as I am certainly not the smartest, most talented, learned etc. It is all a matter of perception ever anyway.
I think it can mean you are less "approachable" or "suited to" the masses...but I've always considered that to be a good thing. I'm picky - it helps if there's an automatic weed-out process that I don't really have to be involved in.
"Gift"? Is THAT what they're calling it these days?
@skittlesruletheworld - We can't all have multiple gifts like you!
Your comment was awful, but it made me laugh. 
@BranmacFeabhail - Heh. It's easy to disdain the entire gender, I must admit. And btw, GRE so does correlate with intelligence, don't fight it...HATER. :-p
@spokenfor - Ah, but overall, remember, there's always a minority who do appreciate certain traits. For example, the guitar is rather meaningless to me--but I've always thought that liking a voice is critical. Voice is one of the last things to decay over one's life, so marrying someone with a lovely voice is important! ha. But yes, I do kind of understand what you mean, some gifts seem wasted given what gender we are and such.
@methodElevated - Aww, that's a sweet story, Steanie, I didn't know some of those details before about your boyfriend and you. Thanks so much for sharing
@boxedwine - Ugh. You know, I really sympathize with your story. I'm in that awkward place where my smarts are above average, but I'm not a genius either. So, essentially, I'm not smart enough for the science professor at Yale, but too smart for the girl working on her master's at State U. It's a frustrating place to be. HOWEVER, I always thought that you have a nice advantage in that you are book-smart and also creative too. I think a smart guy will very much appreciate how you combine multiple types of intelligence; it really is a gift.
@vanedave - @striemmy - Good mini-discussion. I find it funny, for example, how some guys get threatened when a woman knows a sport better than they do. But on the other hand, I do admit it can be intimidating to speak to a much smarter female than me; perhaps it is about where we think our strength lies?
@GreekPhysique - maybe i'm just miffed i only got 680 on the verbal. lol
@squiddichino - I think that is well-said. It's that first step that can be scary. Plus, sometimes I get the feeling that talented people don't want to show any vulnerability. For me, part of a relationship is caring for your lover's weaknesses and being patient with each other. So if someone seems to do their best to hide that they do have weaknesses...seems dysfunctional to me. Probably an unfair assessment, I must admit.
@la_solitaria - HA! you know, I have the same problem, I feel like the married/older women appreciate me best! Why is that?! sigh. Well, ok, I do know why--a lot of my strengths are better appreciated by someone who has been married for a bit and knows what it takes to sustain relationships. Still, it's annoying. And yes...I have to admit, it's tempting for some to sell out before they reach their true value. But can you imagine the guy when he's 50 and his wife is 45, and he realizes she can barely tie her shoes without his help? yikes!
Sorry I didn't get to all comments...super-busy today, sigh.
@GreekPhysique - I would prefer to meet a man who is not stupid, married, certifiably crazy, a drug user or a drug dealer (reformed though they may be) or a flake. I have yet to meet a man who meets these qualifications....well and they have to be on fire believers.... and.... ok, so no doctors, lawyers or engineers..... sorry john..... guess there aren't any left after that.... oh and no farmers or burger flippers either. no immature and no emotionally needy men who want a mother....
@GreekPhysique - that seems about right. i hate being vulnerable; it's really hard for me to open up and let a man take care of me... just part of that ambitious, strong, independent woman syndrome. do i want and need it? oh yes... but to admit that to a new partner is very difficult.
I am one of those people (as you know), and so when my current and bf before him asked me out, it was pretty much on the basis of whether or not they could keep me mentally stimulated.
My requirement was "you have to be as smart, or smarter than me," and if you weren't, I ... well, pretty much... ate them alive. It was ... scary, at times.
One of the things that initially attracted me to Mr.30 was the fact that in our first conversation together he seriously out argued me. I was like, alright! you've got a brain in your head.
Things just ... spiraled from there!
Occasionally people are taken aback when I utilize my rather extensive vocabulary. However, I don't see that as a disadvantage in initiating relationships because I find it challenging to have meaningful conversations with people less literature-oriented than I am.
Interesting...
I have this thing, I find most intelligent women to be humble.(That goes for ... most men too.)
But the thing about women who claim that intelligence in women is intimidating makes me sick.
I've run into these type of women, they're the same as guys I avoid because I don't want to hear them talk. How can I be a friend with a guy who's too full of himself and shit?
Well here's my point, trust me I have one.
There are people, men and women alike, who fancy themselves smarty pants. And for all intents and purposes, they're smart.
But they're not geniuses, and their gauge of their own intelligence tends to over reach that of their actual intelligence. They think highly of themselves and are just full of themselves.
Now with a woman who suffers from this, compiled with her thinking she's also intimidating, makes for some bad bad bad mojo.
The male version of this, I'd refer to as, a pompous asshole. I haven't coined a term for women yet, and I'm not responsible for coining the afore mentioned term.
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