I grew up realizing just how un-well-rounded I was. My idea of a good time when I was younger involved burrowing under a dining room table with a 400-page book and not coming out. When I became a teenager, my parents, perhaps frustrated at my lack of balance, started shoving me into various extracurricular activities. Since I had read all the books in our house by then, I grudgingly crawled out from under the table and got involved in sports, camping, academic challenge-type games, and drama.
Those experiences were great for me. I learned that I had many skills besides reading large books rapidly and spouting off trivia answers. So for much of my 20's, I've spent time trying to be even more well-rounded, constantly selecting activities I am not good at so that I could improve my skills or learn more about the opportunities out there. Sounds like an excellent strategy, isn't it? Except...it's not.
A web acquaintance brought to my attention an essay by Andrew Carnegie offering advice to young men. One of his lessons was as follows:
Having entered upon work, continue in that line of work. Fight it out on
that line (except in extreme cases), for it matters little what avenue
a young man finds first. Success can be attained in any branch of human
labor. There is always room at the top in every pursuit. Concentrate
all your thought and energy upon the performance of your duties. Put
all your eggs into one basket and then watch that basket, do not
scatter your shot...The great successes of life are
made by concentration.I started to realize that I had it all wrong, and that I needed to change my perspective on life. I am convinced that way too many people are dabbling away their 20's. Our refusal to commit for the sake of "leaving our options open" is preventing us from beginning our adult lives. Take a look, for example, at our post-college careers. We try 3 different majors, and then hurriedly graduate with a junk degree just so we don't have to pay any more loans. Then we work for 1 month somewhere, decide we don't like it, and then quit. After all, we're pumped up for 4 years in college about how great we are, how in demand our careers are, and how full of potential we could be...and then we find out that it's a lot harder out there, and we quit and try something else.
Why not instead pick one career, go after it full force, and make a name for ourselves? Sure, quit if you don't like it...but do that only after you have enough money to afford to be without work or go back to school again. Don't just float from job to job to "see if I like it"; you should be doing that exploration in high school and college, not when you're 30 and wearing out your parents' patience.
Or, take dating as an example, which I'll describe from the guy's perspective. There are only a few basic types of females out there in terms of personality. Why can't we seem to narrow down what we want and just go after that? But no, the ordinary, decent girls don't seem to satisfy us. "How can I settle down if I have yet to date a Russian-Kenyan artist?" the fickle young man says. And so we go from exotica to phenomenon to completely crazy, still no closer to any type of relationship that would be lasting and foundational. We just date as some sort of hobby, postponing any thoughts of marriage until the first gray hair or hernia hits. After that, I suppose the male strategy is to foist oneself on the first unsuspecting, also desperate girl until both of you realize how much the other is falling apart? ha. It seems much better to enjoy the prime of life of your spouse instead of wistfully looking at photos of her in college and wondering what happened...
Finally, what about hobbies? Yes, hobbies are supposed to be for entertainment, but they also should be fun and help us develop skills. I know just enough politics, sports, and entertainment news to make conversation--but quite honestly, the time spent collecting that knowledge isn't worth the few moments of shared experience it gives me. And (
HERESY ALERT!!) what good is it to have a Xanga if I hide it from most of my friends or they don't care about it? Or how does it help me to play pickup sports if I play a new person each time and never really form any friendships or continuity? Why not pick something I can be good at and practice it until I have some skill truly worth sharing and making conversation about? Or why not pick a hang-out or organization where you can make many friends and build a network if you just stay with it long enough? But instead it seems like we flit from group to restaurant to park to vacation, leaving just as things were about to get interesting. Whatever happened to "giving to get"...instead of "taking to go"?
Ok, the mandatory disclaimer paragraph, a star of nearly every post I write, should make its appearance. We all need to try new things and stretch our figurative wings. But I believe the time for that should be the years between 16-23, not the years between 23-30. Life is too short to have an uncertain adolescence of trial and error for 15+ years. There comes a time where each of us should commit in at least a few things, whether that be just career, or spouse, or hobby, or relationship. This belief that leaving all our options open is success is nonsense. Yes, if you are terrified of change, or becoming more stale than the bread your roommate left out last week, you should reconsider your decisions. But I think the vast majority of us single folk instead suffer from not allowing ourselves to age like fine wine or sharp cheddar. And so, perhaps it's time for you to consider saying no to many inconsequential things so you can say yes to the things in life that really matter.
EDIT Thanks for the feature, Xanga! To you new readers, this post is part of a larger series on life from the "Dorm Room to the Altar" as a single person.
Click here to read more entries written on this general topic.
EDIT 2: A lot of pleasant folk pointed out some situations and times when dabbling might be better.
You can read their good points here and add your own.
Comments (187)
so dang good. great advice!
Agreed.
I'm glad I've figured at least one thing out at the age of twenty- that I am best at writing, and whatever I do is going to have to involve that for me to be any good at and/or happy with my future. As much as I would love to spend my life researching particle physics, it isn't going to happen. Congrats- this is the first step towards real wisdom. I think... don't take too much concrete advice from the college junior. :)Very true especially for career. I'm guilty of doing that myself, and all it got me was confused and way behind. I learned the hard way that approaching things as a dabbler, career wise, is a waste of time. As for dating, the kind of woman men eventually figure out is good for them (someone like me if I do say so - sensible, modest, loyal, kind, but maybe not so exciting and perhaps a homebody) usually wind up languishing while they seek out the flashy types. I also notice people's racist hangups have them searching for someone with their exact background instead of someone who might be more compatible values and personality wise.
Well said.
Great points. I've always thought that it was better to be spread out as well, but now I have so many interests that I CAN'T seem to pick just one. When asked "well, what do you like the most?" The list goes on and on. Commitment is scary, but you're right, wasting the youth, then when you're older you're in a state of "how did this happen?" I suppose it's worse for the indecisive (like myself,) in that it is hard to choose. Sometimes it is best just to pick one path and walk it rather than trying to always change lanes.I'm in my 20's and I do have a concern about "wasting my time," but I could argue both points.
Great post.
I think some of us drift out of reaction to an attempt to over-focus. When I was in high school, I felt like my life was supposed to revolve around taking the right classes to get into the right college based on the major I wanted for the career I was supposed to choose at the age of 15. So I had to start my plan in 9th grade, and took 4 years of French, 2 of Spanish and got into a summer Russian Language Academy so I could choose a college with a French/Russian double major, so that I could realize half way through AP French my senior year that I was really not that interested in foreign languages anymore, I just felt compelled to pick a career plan, so I chose Not Math. The day I went to sign up for college classes, I was intending to declare a journalism major. That afternoon, I came home as an art major. After one semester I quit the school, because I hated it, and moved out to live in a studio apartment and work at a Lebanese restaurant. You might say I've been drifting ever since. I've worked jobs I never knew existed, taken a few community college classes, got married, moved to the other side of the country, lived with hippies (never again), and collected three cats. I still want to finish my degree, but I still have no idea in what. Perhaps I'm getting more focused with time. Or perhaps I just can't offer an acceptable answer to "What do you want to be when you grow up?" My answer since I was 9? 1. A cat owner. 2. Old. I'm workin' on it. So, I really have accomplished my goals so young, perhaps I have nothing left to do but drift contentedly....
This was excellent. I think it is really good food for thought. I am not sure I completely agree as the way my life has unfolded has been very different than what you describe and I feel for me I have made the right choices. Instead of pursuing career and relationship, I pursued knowing God and growing a person. And I am very very glad. My path has felt like putting my hand in his and walking with him, through the unknown, through briers and dark spots and craziness, till finally the path started to take form and I discovered I was going in a direction I would have never dreamed could be mine and was beyond my wildest imagination. And it is onl the beginning. I may not be married, but at least I'm not with someone I'm not passionate about and am not on the verge of divorce. And I may not have a super career, but in the lack of a job describing my life for me, I have been open to the right opportunities when they have come along. It is one thing to be indecisive. It is another to realize that figuring out who you are can take time, especially if it is done well. And sometimes good enough and right now isn't the best choice if it keeps you feeling safe and gives an excuse for not pursuing your real and impossible dreams. Impossible does happen.
@iwearkneesocks - haha, I know you have to be Karyn's friend because you leave long, interesting comments.
@WiseOrFool - See, that's my problem too. I started out with just a hobby or two in my teens...and all of a sudden I have crushing obligations to 10-20 groups! I was actually quite pleased to move so I could escape my obligations, ha.
@WomanOfLight - Yes, the flip side is as you mentioned, good point. People are so bull-headed about getting a certain type (e.g. the traditional tanned blond or what not) that they neglect a sweet and pretty someone who is different.
@Carolina17 - Ha, bah to your status in school, good advice can be given by all ages.
@charlottegeely - Ah, but Karyn, you are among the rare few who are led, not lost. I'm reminded of the saying "Not all who wander are lost"--you are not lost, but too many of us who dabble are lost and purposeless.
And I thnk it is great that you are/were a reader. So was I. I used to unhealthily escape into books, but all that reading I did is what prepared me to be a writer which is a huge blessing to me. I am so grateful that the career I desire now is one that involves flexibility, creativity and is so natural for me. I also have tried to become more well-rounded. I am so glad I did...but also am enjoying getting back to being more of the real me instead of what I thought people would like better.
Excellent blog, one of your best.
@iwearkneesocks - So good to see you!!!! How are you friend? Say hi to Jimmy and the cats.
ah..i agree..so well said ;)
true. and how many opportunities are missed by NOT pursuing things far enough?
excellet, sir.
Thank you! As I have said, I think he is the cutest little fella.
As to getting in front of the camera. I have a profile picture. What more do I need? ;)
Oh, and yeah I don't use my xanga very much anymore as most of my friends have moved to Facebook. So I followed them there. That is another reason I don't post a lot.
@Memorycatcher - haha, very funny. If that's not a rhetorical question, I'll be happy to make suggestions :-p. Readers (or is it reader?) who are of the male persuasion prefer pictures of cute Christian girls over cute baby boys any day of the week.
Howdy, saw a friend recommended your post. Excellent thoughts! And perhaps a bit convicting...
It gives rise to the thought of what an education is worth in this day when so much specialized knowledge is available to hungry learners. It also makes us think about what things in life are actually worth living and dying for!
Thanks for the jolt of awareness!
Theron
@thetentguy - Hmm, that's a great thought, Theron. Is something I'm involved in really worth dying for, or would I rue the hours I spent there on my deathbed? Hmm, on that note, I should probably leave my Xanga alone for the night!
guess I'm may be right on schedule, 23 and maybe just figured it out. :)
good advice, well written.
Oh so true...the sad thing is when you can see it in almost our entire generation...what ever happened to commitment to a task anyway? I'm to blame as well... I can't tell you the number of projects I've begun and left sitting about somewhere collecting dust, unfinished.
I've heard a theory that part of the problem in terms of jobs is that we think we're something special and if they don't like me here, I'll just move to another company. Some are blaming Mr. Rogers for it....thoughts?
This is very good advice! I am 19 and I have a goal. one goal not many...I dont want be come bullheaded but I dont want so many goals that I am bogged with them.
This post pointed out some good things. Thanks
Put all your eggs in one basket and watch as the job is rendered obsolete by a changing economy. Good times.
A very solid point. Newton himself credited his work and discoveries not to his ability to think, but to his singular ability to concentrate.