Saturday, 27 December 2008

• No More Mr. Internet Boyfriend

  This is the second in a series loosely titled "Internet Lessons of 08."
  
  Dear Xanga Men,
  
  I don't really address many blogs to you, and that bothers me at times. Fact is, most bloggers on here tend to be female, and thus this place can be rather feminized at times. But I really do appreciate you, colleagues, because most of you are clever writers who are relatively classy. There aren't many guys who surf Xanga making requests to "***** you *******" or what not. (Yeah, the stars are random and so is the phrase). A majority of you take pride in not being Internet bad boys and being true writers instead.
  
  However...however...let's talk about the other danger to men. You may not be Mr. Internet Pervert. You may instead be a classy, sensitive guy, well able to handle himself in the 21st century world. But are you becoming Mr. Internet Boyfriend instead? There are plenty of nice, attractive women on Xanga who could use a little encouragement. I understand, it's easy to leave a nice, classy compliment the first time you visit a woman's page--you do want a reply, after all. And so you leave your first comment to her--"Dear, I'm so sorry to hear he treated you so badly" or "Dear, I'm sure things will get better once you graduate" or what not. And then...something great happens! Unlike in real life (haha) she notices you! She comments back! She thanks you! Great news, right?
  
  Well...not exactly. See, you think you're being a modern-day white knight. You're being chivalrous! A defender of the weak! And perhaps you are being just that. But quite honestly, I think it's much more likely that you're becoming weak yourself--a servant of the Goddess Beauty. And she is a voracious and unforgiving mistress indeed. You find yourself measuring each comment to be sure not to offend and to keep those warm feelings going. You read that she is only returning one comment for every four you post. And you then hate her and yourself, as you realize you're easy and give up your compliments and support for nothing rather than waiting for a woman who would truly appreciate them. There's nothing knightly or powerful about that!
  
  Doubt me? Here, take that oh-so-nice girl who you always support, and disagree with her just ONCE. Tell her that it's not a good idea to date the 40-year-old dad, or that she shouldn't go to grad school if she isn't sure what she wants to do with her life. Then, just sit back and wait. If the relationship is not healthy, she'll forget all the nice things you said and blast you for not supporting her. And once that happens to you once or twice, you'll realize that you've been Mr. Internet Boyfriend and given her comfort and support in exchange for...the privilege of being a friend to a girl you've never even met in person?! Not much of a deal, is it?
  
  Let me simplify this for you, Xanga guys. Here's a simple guide:
  Is she normal and does she return your compliments and appreciation? Peel out a map and see how far away you two are from each other geographically. If it's less than one finger segment, ask her out already! Or at least start asking for an AIM, or an e-mail address, or something. Don't sit there for months exchanging "you're so cool" compliments.
  
  Is she normal, and does she not return your compliments and appreciation? She's just being polite and humoring you. Just quit visiting her site. Too simple? Instead, go out in a blaze of glory by inviting her to elope to Fiji with you,, or accost her and demand to know why she's ignoring you (and be humiliated when she doesn't even remember who you are). Um, trust me, just quit visiting the site.
  
  Is she not normal and does she return your compliments and appreciation? Oh no, you're not just Mr. Internet Boyfriend, you're Mr. Dysfunctional Internet Enabler! If she's actually listening to you and trying to be more normal, and you honestly want to help her get better (as opposed to helping her out of her clothes), then, ok, stick around. But keep your eye on the exit, and know what the deal-breakers are that compromise your dignity.
  
  Is she not normal and does she not return your compliments and appreciation? I can't really express in words just how dumb you're being, except to say, yes, I fell for this too once (or twice...or, err, ok, let's move on). Look, let another woman fix her--you're not going to be able to fix her via one five-minute Xanga comment, ok?
  
  So Xanga men, please, listen to me. Make your compliments meaningful and unique in 2009. If you're truly being friendly and have no ulterior motives, then be complimentary when you mean it--but also say "No, girl, you're being dumb" when you mean it too! If the woman really is so cool, she'll be willing to accept the occasional disagreement or correction. If she's not--why in the world are you wasting your time on her?! No more Xanga welfare or comment vouchers! Move on already.
  
  That's probably it for 2008 posts. It's been a weird year for me on Xanga, overall. But I think I have learned a lot in my 4.5 years here on Xanga. I'm not sure whether I'll be back for a 5th season, but it's been a great run, and thank you all for reading.
  
  Your Xanga Colleague, GreekPhysique.

  EDIT A clarification on one issue brought up in the comments. No, not every man supporting every woman wants to have a relationship with her, and I'm sorry if the post sounded that way. I have many female friends on here that I can be friends with minus any complications--but we're honest with each other, and don't just flatter each other. I was referring to relationships where the man becomes a flatterer and an enabler.

  Also, for example, I tend to be very supportive of two categories of female Xangans; single mothers, and teenagers trying to overcome bad family/addiction situations. (Yes, that's where many of the so-called "drama queens" who really aren't come in). To a large extent, those two groups have enough natural problems to deal with that I try to never correct them unless I'm very troubled by what they write.

  But, I also think the post was necessary, because I know how easy it was to deceive myself. Sure, I thought I was "just being nice"--but then, if it was just being nice, why did I expect something in return? The heart is deceitful at times, is it not? So I just wanted to tweak the original post.
  END EDIT

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