November 8, 2007
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"That Guy" Fantasy #1: Coach Spittleman
Usually, when people refer to "that guy", it's a disparaging tone used to criticize someone for his embarrassing behavior or poor habits. But secretly, I have to admit, there are some "that guys" out there that I would like to be--just for a day--so I could get away with an annoying habit or quirky personality tic. This is an ongoing series where I describe to you my "that guy" fantasies for fun. None of these are based directly on real people I know.
Today's favorite "that guy" would have to be a coach for a high school football team who can't talk without spitting all over his players. Even worse, he has a lisp/speech impediment, so his s's become t's, which produces even more spittle. However, because he's coach and all, they can't really tell him about it, and it seems to be unintentional. Or is it? Also, throw in occasional problems with garbled words and mixed metaphors and I'm there! Here's a sample speech:
"Guys! What are you thinking out there, throwing the football like that?! You couldn't hit my grandmother with a watermelon if she was as broad as a barn with your eyes closed! Think out there, men! (pauses and thinks he just said something profound) Think! Thinking is like breathing, you have to work at it! (no, actually breathing is automatic) Think! Remember how Kobe won 3 championships? It was because he was thinking! (true, but has no bearing on the current situation) Now go out there and win for Thetostopolis (lots of t's and s's for extra spittle) High School!"
Comments (4)
It would be even better if the coach was a former army drill sergeant, looked like Sergeant Slaughter, and can (and has) challenged opposing coaches and defeated them, in anything ranging from arm wrestling matches to drinking contests. At the end of each contests, he can say some ridiculous tag line that makes no sense. "Piece Tina. Let's go home, boys."
yeah, that speech just made me think of how much I'd have to laugh, not being on his team and all.
"IsItRaining." Fabulous tag! This "that guy" kinda reminds me of Coach Z from homestarrunner.com. If I were, in fact, a guy, Coach Z would probably be my "that guy" fantasy. Actually, come to think of it, I do a pretty darn good Coach Z impression!
sunflower2457: I love Homestar! I forgot you were a fan. I need to read some Strongbad emails again. Trogdor, anyone? English Paper? Anyway...
Regarding the post and the reason for stopping at this site in the first place: Gross. Why is everyone posting about spit lately? Should I? Did I miss a memo?
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