January 15, 2008

• First line spoken in the afterlife

  Warning! This humor is definitely cynical and ghoulish. You may not want to read this.

   

  Camper:

  That noise wasn’t just a raccoon!

  So that’s why you’re not supposed to throw batteries in the fire!

   

  Hitchhiker:

  And I was worried that I would scare HIM!

   

  Jaywalker:

  So that’s what “Objects are closer than they may appear” means!

   

  Would-be Bank robber:

  I thought cops were supposed to fire warning shots?

  Grandmothers can get concealed carry gun permits too?

  There were TWO guards inside the armored truck!

   

  Little kid:

  So that’s what was meant by "Free candy"!

   

  Tight-rope walker:

  I knew it was a bad idea to let the clown hold the rope!

   

  Movie Stunt double:

  Oh, FIRST open the car door, then light the gas tank!

   

  Student:

  So if Red Bull by itself gives you wings, Red Bull with alcohol gives you…angel wings!

   

  Musician:

  I thought singing from inside the hot tub would electrify the CROWD…,

   

  Homeowner:

  There WAS one more step on that staircase!

   

  Bomb Squad Member:

  It WAS the red wire!

   

  Automobile driver:

  That moose crossing sign wasn’t a joke?

   

  Soldier:

  So that’s why I wasn’t supposed to nap during guard duty!

  So that’s what “el bombo” means!

  So I only had TWO seconds after I pull the pin out of the grenade…

   

  Runner:

  Open glass door or shut glass door…SHUT!

   

  Woodworking enthusiast:

  “Hit the saw with your hand to unstuck it!” Why did I ever listen to Mitch?

   

  Tourist:

  So that’s why you’re not supposed to leave the group!

  Oh, the EAST side is the bad side of town!

   

  America’s Next Top Model contestant:

  “No model has ever died from posing with ‘Mr. Boa’”, eh, Tyra!

   

  Survivor contestant:

  I thought I had immunity!

   

  Cop:

  The thief was BEHIND the door!

  I KNEW I should have frisked the son for weapons too!

  So that’s what they mean by “double-barreled” shotgun!

   

  Fighter Pilot:

  First put on the parachute, then eject!

   

  Psychiatrist:

  So telling me “I want to hurt people” wasn’t just a cry for help?

  So that’s what she meant by telling me this was the last appointment she’d ever need!

   

  Magician:

  I use the real sword for the “cut person in half” trick and the rubber sword for swallowing. Or was it the other way around?

  • 2:14 am
  • 4 Comments