September 5, 2008

• From the Dorm Room to the Altar: Single in Status, Loved in Life

  I'm pleased to introduce our second guest, Lucy, aka Xanga's WomanofLight. She's fresh off her successful trip to see David Tennant live in England, which was apparently quite the experience! She has experienced being in a very long-term relationship that did not end in marriage, and has bravely consented to share how she picked up the pieces after the break-up. I think she's doing a lovely job of it and wanted to share that with you.

  I
  haven't been single for very long. Well, not very long in my own mind.
  I was in a very, very long term relationship that ended late last year,
  so for almost a year now, I've been single.

  After taking some
  time to recover from the fun of having to rip out my own heart and
  regard it as it bled in my hand and all over the carpet, I found that I
  like being single right now. Being single is not such a terrible thing
  and in fact it's usually quite pleasant. Even though there are moments
  of bitterness when a friend, relation, or someone my age or younger
  gets married and I think "Guess it will happen for everyone else but
  me." I've found, though, that isn't the most productive line of thought
  to pursue.

  What good does it do to be bitter about opportunities
  lost? What good does it do to pursue a man, any man if the result will
  be a broken marriage or family a few years down the line?

  While
  I was in the UK with my equally single girlfriend (who I call Olivia on
  this blog) she told me that an acquaintance was telling her about a Santeria
  spell that purported to snag a husband. "But the spell just gets you a
  husband... it's not guaranteed that he'll be a good one or one who will
  treat you well." "Well, that's no good," I said. "Who would want to do
  a spell to get just any old husband? What if they end up with a cheater
  or a wifebeater? That's nonsense."

  As crazy as it sounds to
  chant spells to snag a man, that's how crazy it seems to me to get on
  dating sites, attend speed dating events, and generally conduct your
  life like you're trying to find a mate. If falling in love and hitting
  it off are natural, organic processes, what good does it do to put it
  in an artificial environment and rush it?

  Since I've been
  single, I've been focusing on myself. In dating years, I'm about 17
  years old, since that was the last time I was single. Considering how
  old I am now (def older than 17) it's an odd feeling. I suppose I could
  think about it as though I am somehow behind and I must now catch up on
  all the sexual experiences someone my age has likely had. I suppose I
  could get desperate and hunt down potential mates in order not to
  become an old maid. And who knows, maybe I'll feel that way if I'm
  single when I'm over 35. I hope not. It's been interesting discovering
  who I am when I'm not part of a unit.

  Once the focus was off
  myself, my disappointment and loneliness, I found myself focusing on
  all the people in my life who matter. My relationship with my parents,
  brother, and girlfriends deepened. I began to realize that I had been
  diverting my emotional energy away from these people. More attention
  went into my career. I picked up a new hobby. I even began wearing my
  first real pair of heels in earnest! There is of course the freedom to
  flirt with whom I want, not that I really know how to flirt. I found
  the usefulness and happiness in being single and that works pretty well
  for me right now. Hopefully something lovely will happen, relationship
  wise, while I'm focusing on myself. But it doesn't have to and I'm not
  sitting around waiting for it. There's too much of life to be lived.

  Coda:
  Since my long relationship was a long distance one, I was going to
  write more at length about such relationships, but I really only have
  the following to say. Long ago, I wrote a post about being in a Long Distance Relationship
  (LDR). Even though my LDR didn't work out, I stand by that post,
  because I think I laid out the ground rules pretty well. The LDR I was
  in fit the guideline for years and, among other reasons, broke down
  because 1) there was no end date in mind; and 2) for one of us, the
  other was no longer a high priority in their life, and as the
  relationship wound down, that became increasingly clear. Although I
  have no desire to enter into another LDR, I will never say they are
  silly, "not real relationships" or claim they never work. In fact they
  can and do often work. My parents were in an LDR for some time before
  they married.
  
  Thanks Lucy! Go to her site for more of her writings.

  • 1:14 am
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