October 17, 2008

• Dark Humor: Rep. Mahoney's Affairs are Amusing

  Once in a while, I come across an article that makes me laugh like crazy even though it's not meant to be funny. Such is the article that covers Representative Mahoney's affairs. Read the full thing here, but I will take some quotes from it to show you what I mean and bold the good parts:

  "U.S. Rep. Tim Mahoney,
  embroiled in an adultery scandal and a tight race for re-election,
  admitted Friday to having at least two affairs but insisted he broke no
  laws and will not resign. The first-term Democrat conceded that one of
  the affairs began as he was running on a family values platform to
  replace Mark Foley,
  a Republican who resigned amid revelations that he sent lurid Internet
  messages to male pages who had worked on Capitol Hill as teenagers."
  
  Hey, what better way to assure voters you're not homosexual than to carry on affairs with them? That's a pretty convincing argument!
  
  "...he had a sexual relationship with Patricia Allen, 50, whom he met while campaigning in 2006. Allen
  went to work for Mahoney's congressional office, then his campaign.
  Mahoney said she was fired for performance issues, not because of the
  affair."

  I love this story! "Met her while campaigning?" There's nothing at all odd about chasing skirts while you're trying to get elected to public office. And the mention of "performance issues" is deliciously vague--do you mean she wouldn't "perform" for you anymore, Representative Mahoney?

  "Mahoney confessed to "multiple" other affairs, though he wouldn't say how many. "You're asking me over a lifetime? I'm just saying I've been unfaithful and I'm sorry for that," he said."

  In other words, he lost count at 42. The answer is 42!

  The multimillionaire venture capitalist maintained a distinction
  between his behavior in office and Foley's, though he wouldn't specify.

  Mahoney had sex with actual voters, while Foley made the mistake of trying to have sex with people who couldn't vote for him. That's why Mahoney believes he is the superior politician and should stay in office!

  Mahoney also acknowledged he had an affair with a high-ranking Martin County official in his district around the time he was lobbying the Federal Emergency Management Agency to give the county a $3.4 million hurricane clean-up reimbursement...The FBI has
  contacted Mahoney as part of an investigation into whether he hired
  Allen to keep her quiet about the affair and whether he showed any
  preferential treatment to Martin County in exchange for sex.

  Politicians having sex with each other? That can't be good for the gene pool! I'm going to have to rethink my opposition to eugenics, just for politicians.

  He insisted he did not violate his oath of office and said he takes pride in his record, if not his personal life.
  "We did go to Washington and we got rid of the meals, the trips, we brought more transparency," he said.
  That push for openness did not extend to his personal life. He said he
  settled the case with Allen because "whether you prevail right or
  wrong, at the end of the day, you're living in a glass house of public
  opinion."

  Now, now, I'm sure the women he had affairs with could testify to his openness in his personal life. How judgmental of the reporter!

  "I do feel like I let them [the voters] down," he said. "I just hope that they can
  understand I'm a human being. I never presented myself as being
  perfect."

  Yes, yes, only perfect politicians are able to keep their marriage vows and avoid trading sex for votes and funding! He's just a regular guy! Tim the politician!

  Anyway, I try not to kick people while they're down, but he still does not seem very apologetic about this, and I found the whole article hilarious. I would make more jokes, but I try to keep this blog PG.
  

  • 9:18 pm
  • 10 Comments