December 31, 2008
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From Outsider to Insider
This is the last in a series titled "Internet Lessons of 08" The computer froze when I finished my longer, more personal first draft, so you hopefully now read a more concise draft.
Ok, quick reader poll here. How many of you had read my site before as of December 31st, 2007? Is that one hand I see? Two? See, at the beginning of the year, I was very much an "outsider" on Xanga. Not many people knew me, and I liked it that way. I was free to talk about whatever I wanted to a small circle of friends. Then, all of a sudden, a blog entry I wrote about Xanga got a lot of attention via the recommend button, and 10 months later, I find myself relatively well-known on here.
The weird part for me is, the same story was repeated in nearly every area of my life. Job, dating, other web 2.0 sites...I suddenly found myself thrust out of the shadows and into a more visible, vulnerable position. I was going from the "outside" to the "inside", like it or not.
You may ask "Greek, you crazy fool, why are you fighting this? What, you like being single and alone? You like not getting a pay check for months? You like working on a post for a while and just getting 2 comments? Come on, be an insider already!"
But I feel torn. Many of my friends are still outsiders, and I feel like further success is driving a wedge between me and them. I built up years of resentment, envy, and passion while being on the outside, whether I realized it at the time or not. And I hang onto such scars with a crazed sense of honor, as if I am my history. Then, what about the new responsibility and vulnerability to criticism that one gets as one becomes more well-known? I mean, there are now actually people who depend on me or who listen to me who are neither family nor bribed to do so! I exaggerate, ha, but the principle is true. And what about the pervasive emptiness of the "system" and the "inside"--the love for power, the desperate emphasis on self-improvement, the ambition, the soulless competitiveness? Aren't I doomed to that if I try to work within the system to get things done?
I think that a lot of my readers are in the same dilemma without realizing it. You face a crossroads in 2009, a time of transition. You suddenly realize that some of your dreams are achievable, or that life seems to be improving. But that in itself is scary, as you see that some of your most cherished dreams are rather empty, or realize that money, power, sex, or influence bring new challenges. What to do? I'm not sure myself. But I think we have no choice but to walk through that door and do our best to make a difference. I'd love to stay on the outside. But that's not what I'm led to do right now in life. It's not necessarily that I'm "growing up", a phrase I despise...but I am changing. And that's the dilemma that must be wrestled with, and a lesson that I just realized this week that will definitely challenge me in 2009.
(To clarify on a point a few days ago about whether I would stay on Xanga in 2009. I re-evaluate my time and mission on Xanga every 6 months (January 1st and June 1st). So it's natural for me to reconsider Xanga too as I make these bigger life changes--what should change about my blogging participation and style as I'm learning these new lessons? Why am I here? etc. I don't want you to feel nervous in any way about it. I do this all the time, as I said, so please don't feel you have to beg me to stay or something. However, I do accept bribes and desserts.
Comments (18)
not to get off track here, but Im waiting for a Xanga TV from you again, can you get on that please?!
And you cant leave xanga or Ill hunt you down. Try me.
Not a threat or anything (yes it is)
While I can't bribe you with anything in particular, I can offer you something money can't buy: The laugh of a small child.
Its strange moving from the outside to the inside without so much as knowing what happened. I know this to be true. The best we can do is manage ourselves, stay true to us. Everything will figure itself out in the end.
I do hope you stick around, since I've only been reading your stuff for like... under a month now.
I'm broke, so no bribes from me. I do make a pretty mean chocolate chip cookie though, if I do say so myself. All that aside, I must say something. I don't know if its because we have different perspectives or whatever, and I definitely was not reading you on December 31st, 2007 because I didn't come to xanga until June of 2008, so take this with a grain of salt. Blog for yourself, don't blog for your audience. Do what you love. If people like it, great. If not, tell them where they can get the stick removed and move on. I tried blogging for my audience. You know what happened? I went nuts and shut down my blog. No joke. My last post on blogger was, and I quote "F you you world. I'm out." Several days later I came to my senses and found xanga, and I've been blogging away, blissfully unaware of what my readers want to read. So far, none of them have made suggestions for content, so I think they're happy. So yea. That's my two cents.
I never knew you felt resentment being on the outside or that you were outside for that long. If it makes you feel any better, I feel no wedge between us.
You can always recreate the feeling of being on the outside by creating another account from scratch and turning off the ability to allow others to recommend your posts while keep the GP site. Angst anew with popularity on the side!
I don't know about you, but I usually listen to songs that relate to how I'm feeling at the moment to make me feel better. For your situation, I'm thinking Notorious B.I.G.'s "Mo Money Mo Problems" if you listen to rap. I usually ignore the rapping so I have no idea what he's saying and it's usually offensive so don't read too much into that if you listen to it. I'm thinking more of the lyrics "I'm coming up ... it's like the more money we come across, the more problems we see." Also, Staind's "Outside" for your relationship with Xanga - mostly "I'm on the outside, I'm looking in."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bE4OMnvFDOU
Hope that helps. I'll keeping thinking to see if I can come up with a better one.
Yeah I had the same thing happen to me to. I was on the outside, I expanded too for a little while, but after taking a semester off I've found myself back on the outside.
I found it a little odd, but I wasn't really surprised.
I hope you stick around, you're well liked.
Regarding-your-comment-regarding-my-comment: I'm glad my words didn't come across wrong. I appreciate the response. And I agree with your comment. Anything elevated above its place and out of its context can become an idol: beauty, knowledge, success, money, relationships, even religion itself can be an idol when it is so far removed from its proper context that it can no longer serve its intended purpose (facilitating relationship with God), and it becomes, itself the object of worship. Everything has a proper place. The balance is the thing. It's elusive... but not unattainable. Which brings me to...
Regarding your post: In response to your poll. I read your blog for the first time earlier today... well, I guess it's officially "yesterday" now, but whatever. I can't really comment on what I feel your purpose here is, and I'm not even certain that's your question. I've not read enough to have a truly informed opinion. But reading your last post from today... yesterday, um... your last post on December 30th, you state that people are built for community. I agree. So I wonder, do you need more purpose than that? You're intentionally engaging in a pretty complex community here on Xanga. You have the ability to engage others through your words. Take me for example (maybe egocentric, but it's all I got). I've been on Xanga for, wow... probably nearly 5 years now (or more), I definitely fit in the "outsider" category. I haven't commented on someone's blog in ages. But something in what you wrote resonated with something in me, and I felt compelled to respond. And now, but some definition or another, we're engaged in conversation. People connecting with people. If you're led to be instrumental in that, in anyway... so much more the blessing!
I hope, in whatever way you're led, you will find passion and affirmation.
Is that a hint that I should bring cookies with me today? You drooled when you saw the pictures, didn't you? lol.
I'm also sad that your computer froze. Things are never as good on the re-do...at least for me.
The poll: I definitely didn't read you before 12/31/07. I was here though. I understand liking to be an outsider, but I really don't think I would change my blog if I did become an insider here. I don't feel any calling towards changing the world by means of my blog though. My blog has always been and probably always will be my life. Good and bad. Funny and heart-wrenching. Sometimes maybe too personal, but never not me. People blog for different reasons. That's kind of what makes xanga such a great community. One thing you could think about is that if you do leave xanga, it's likely that someone else would rise up to the "insider" status and in essence, take your place. You can better ensure that your content would be beneficial for them to read than the content of whoever comes after you.
I don't think I could ever build a wedge between myself and any other person on xanga based solely on popularity (or probably not even otherwise). It would take a lot to make me hate you (and so far I've never been envious of your readership). 2009 might be a crossroads...but every year seems to be for me. Or maybe should be.
Here's that dessert you ordered. Don't you dare leave!!! <3
I just wish I could contribute nice, thoughtful comments like everybody else. Your posts have always made me think but most of the time I don't comment at all or I write a comment and erase it without posting. It's hard to know what to say besides "Great post!" So...great post!
Your favorite dessert is being shipped.
I feel like I'm having a similar experience, this past year and probably continuing, of going from outside to inside, and in some situations, back to outside.
Thanks for writing about things that speak to common human experience.
Good thing you added desserts because I just learned that I can make some pretty good homemade cinnamon rolls and that I can ice a cake pretty well. =)
That aside, if it's any sort of comfort, I believe that you're not quite an insider yet, but well-known enough to frequent the Featured Posts on the front page multiple times to not be an outsider. You are stuck in the middle but I think it's a happy medium where your fame doesn't explode your head and you lose sight of what you originally want to deliver.
If it's any condolence, if the post escapes me, I always get a crack out of how you decide to tag your entries: "PeterPanwasonsteriods"? 'Nough said. ^_^
Wow, I guess Xangalebrity takes its toll.
I've reconsidered continuing with Xanga because someone will inevitably piss me off by accusing me of this or that, but the truth is that this is really a fictional society that happens to be made up of semi-real people. I say semi-real because are any of us the same people we are in real life? If anyone is like me, they're way more honest, uninhibited and less timid. So whenever I consider that, I remind myself that Xangaland itself is a figment of all our imaginations and the people we wish to be and that anything that made me decide to give up my blog was not worth truly getting upset over in the first place because it's generally not relevent within reality unless you become a public figure (god forbid any of the hoochies on Myspace become politicians anyway). Also, am I going to get rid of the account of my transition from a sophomore in high school through up until now?
As far as your real life transition, I can sort of relate. Very loosely, I guess. I had previously been tight with some high school friend who have since gotten married, quit school, have children, are not pursuing graduate studies and are entering the "real world" or any combination of the four. I simply can no longer to relate to them and we've become more distant as of this year. But that's the natural ebb and flow of things. People grow apart from each other. However, if it's simply based upon their own disruptive envy of your success (because a limited amount of envy is normal and can't be helped), are they true friends? Shouldn't they, as supportive significant others in your life, be rooting you on and be happy for your success if it is making you happy and is good for you? Greek, let haters hate!
Change is inevitable, but change CAN be good.
It's crazy how you can go from being an outsider, to becoming an insider once you become well known. I'm new to Xanga, but I've found that I enjoy reading what other people have to say and writing some stuff of my own. It's a nice stress reliever when you have a place to tell others what you think, and hear what they have to say that can help you look at things from a different perspective.
I might one day be well-known here in Xanga, as well as in other parts of my life as you have pointed out in your examples, but for now, I'll enjoy being an outsider.
Ha ha! This is great! I go through the same thing on other sites, even though I don't have a recognizable name.
I knew you then
And, I'm still unknown. Lesigh.
I'm definitely an outsider on Xanga, but that's okay because I'm an insider on other sites that are more important to me. And you're right, being on the outside gives you a lot of freedom. You don't have to worry about what your subscribers will think, because you haven't got any!
I was an outsider for years in other areas of life, and it was difficult at times. But I'm thankful for it, because it really made me compassionate toward other outsiders once I created my own insider group.
I really liked this entry. Although, I can't say that I'm well known on Xanga, I can relate to the concept of outsider to insider. My life has been transitioning towards better ends. I haven't made the jump to the other side, but I think once I let go, it'll be just like you've described. I been to the other side, but I may have taken a step back, and then forward, and then back. This post is great!
I have to admit that I am very glad you stayed... It may be selfish but I hope you never leave Xanga, I would miss you.... If you are ever tempted to leave let me know and I will send baked goods.... I try hard to avoid the spotlight whenever I can to me fame is not worth the price..... but I am always happy for others who make it big...
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