July 24, 2009

  • Xanga Writing Contest Top 10: Christin0

    Please comment on Christin0 's original entry and tell her what you thought of her post! As I said before, closing comments here so the contest winners can get more fans

    I remember all of the times of when my dad visited. Once when I was 5 (or that might have been just before he left), a night when I was in 6th grade- December 2002, and a week in August 2004.

    I think to sort of "make up" for not being around and never sending money to my mom, he would buy us anything we wanted. Going Toys R Us and having the option to buy anything, anything is the ideal dream for a 5/6 year old. My younger brother quickly picked out his present, he always knew what he wanted. I, on the other hand, went around in circles because I didn't know what I wanted. In the last moment I just took some video game thing only because it was 101 Dalmatians and I loved dalmatians, and also because my older sister had a Beauty and the Beast version of the game so I think I just wanted to be like her.

    He only visited that night in 2002 because it was like a pit stop from Korea to LA (where his mother lived). And the same reason again, in 2004. That one week in August was so good; we always have fun with our dad.

    During that week, he took us to a clothes store and told us that we could get whatever we wanted. Back then, I was a lot simpler, and more 'tomboyish' than I am now, so it wasn't like a big deal to me as it would have been to any other girl my age. My brother got a nice jacket which cost a lot more than we are/were used to paying. I felt bad for it, as if he had bought the jacket for me and we were a burden to my dad and his finances. My brother was eating it all up shamelessly, not caring at all about my dad's money. Knowing my family's limited financial issues, I had grown to be very money conscious.

    Again, I went around in circles trying to find something that I liked that didn't cost a lot. He kept urging me to pick something out and wouldn't let me say no. My dad tried to assure me and told me to not worry about the money. He asked me if I wanted jeans, the kinds that all the other girls in my school wore... but they were like 50 dollars and I just couldn't let him spend that kind of money on something like that. Granted, he hadn't been around in my life and might have felt that he owed it to me, but I still felt bad for some reason. I finally picked out a shirt that was $12.99 which I thought was even too high of a price for a shirt.

    He also bought my brother a bass guitar- something Kevin had been wanting for awhile.

    After my dad left, high school started and that's when I started to want... I wanted to do a lot of things that needed money to start (photography for example). I felt so foolish. Why. why, why had I felt bad about my dad spending money on me that week!?!??.... I mean he was never even around, and was the cause of much of our problems and pain!!! I should have just took advantage...

    I kept thinking...I should have asked him to buy me a camera. I should have asked him to buy me a guitar. I should have gotten those good kind of jeans....

    But at that time, I just couldn't.

    I just couldn't bring myself to because I think, that deep inside, I really just wanted a normal family. I didn't realize it at the time, but I think I wanted just everything that money couldn't buy.... I felt that my dad shouldn't have to buy this stuff to get my 'approval' or 'forgiveness,' if those are the appropriate words. I wanted him to know that... it's not the things he buys for me that I want, it's a dad that I want. (but of course my transitional middle-to-high school mentality couldn't recognize these feelings in concrete words at the time)

    That is one of the things I learned last week:

    Seek God's face, not his hand. Seek who He really is, not his blessings.

    I liked this essay because it reminded me that in the end, it really is all about the person, not about stuff. I know that, but it's good to be reminded! Also, if I ever do have a daughter, I hope she has a heart this warm and thoughtful.