August 3, 2009

  • Xanga Teen Writing Contest: NatalieTheSaint

    UPDATE: Had the link wrong, please do click to her site now and congratulate her!

    It was difficult to decide on the winner for the contest. I could easily have picked nearly any of the top 10 as the winner. I spent a lot of time shuffling the top 10, trying to think of what criteria should be used to decide the winner. Finally, around 5AM, I said to myself "Ok, who really seems to have learned the most?" And I realized, I liked this essay the most. This is about a young woman who learned that sometimes to help the ones we love, you have to use your weakest skills, because those may be the ones they need the most. Too often we want to love our way, instead of what is real love for the person who needs it. The writing is passionate and engaging, and thus, I chose it as the first-prize winner of $100. Now that all the entries are posted, time for me to pay up. Go congratulate NatalieTheSaint (link fixed!) here!

    Dear Mother,

    This is devastating. In fact, there is only one other thing I can think of as being more devastating. I have tried not thinking about that one thing. However, my efforts are fruitless. It is quite hard to not think. The thought does not evade me, no matter how much I try to distract my mind. It is impossible because this thought is the distraction. I cannot write. I cannot draw. I cannot talk. Things I would have done during the day prior to two weeks ago cease to exist. It is as if I have a writer's block on my entire life.

    I am a problem solver. You know this. Every action I take has always resulted from a thorough analysis on my part. I am frustrated to no end because I cannot fix this for you. I am constantly worried about how this will turn out. You are worried about losing your hair, about cleaning the house, about not being able to take me to my doctor's appointments because you will be recuperating. I am worried that you will not be able to recuperate at all.

    We have two completely different outlooks right now. You say there is no big picture. I say there is. There is always a big picture. It is fine to be distracted sometimes, but the stark reality will always be there whether we like it or not. I used to be just like you. I focused on every single detail along the way. I still am just like you; even more extreme sometimes, for I am a perfectionist. But being a perfectionist enables me to not ignore certain aspects of life. Just like I cannot ignore this big picture at this point in time.

    I am afraid.

    You already know how I have been fearful of many things. I still hyperventilate when the thunder is a little too loud for my liking. I still keep a light on in the corner of my room at night. I still run up the stairs, in fear of something grabbing a hold of my ankles. I have never been this afraid in my life, though. It is frustrating to no end because I cannot simply hide under the desk and wait for the thunderstorm to pass like I did when I was younger. I do not even notice the light anymore, because my head is always consumed with the thought of darkness. Every time I see you upset, I feel a presence grabbing at my heart, trying to take away the single most important thing in my life.

    I know you leave some things out when we talk. I suppose this is because you do not want me to worry. The truth of the matter is, I am going to worry anyway. If you leave out information, then I am left assuming outcomes of the unknown that could turn out completely wrong. I understand it is in your nature to protect, but I would much rather worry about something I know is true than create my inevitable, horrible assumptions. I will eventually learn about the majority of these things, so please do not prolong telling me anymore.

    A few days ago you said you felt helpless. Hearing you say that made me feel helpless. I would give just about anything to help you not feel that way. I hear you crying sometimes. And each time I do, it feels like that same presence is chipping away at my soul. I am so afraid to go in and comfort you. I want to do it, but now and then when I do, I end up making the situation worse. I do not ever want to make things worse. I sit and contemplate whether or not I should go and console you. However, by the time I make a decision, you are usually through and off doing your normal routine.

    I also understand that maybe it is better if I leave you alone once in a while. Obviously none of us can keep our raw emotions hidden, and sometimes we just need to be able to let go without getting any feedback. I want you to know this, though. If you ever need someone with you when this happens, you need to come to me; and you can. I do not care if I am in the middle of a project, seemingly very busy, or just off in my own world, you need to come to me. I will not say a word if you want. You have always been here for me. I will always be here for you.

    The thought of not having you in my life is one of the worst things I have ever encountered. Therefore, I am going to try to ignore this big picture for a change. Yes, this thought is still here, but then again, so are you. And that is all the more reason to ignore something for once. You should be the main focus, and from now on, you will be. We need to focus on making you better, and we need to focus on this family's love.

    The doctors said your chance of surviving was better than most, which is great. But if we constantly worry about the little things, and the big picture, we lose sight of our love. If we do not have love, we have nothing at all. We do not need luck, or prayer, or karma. We just need our love. WIth it, you will survive.

    I promise, no matter which one of us outlives the other, you will always have my love. I know I have always had yours.

    Love,
    Natalie