October 29, 2009

• Point/Counterpoint on the Nature of Settling

  Guest post is by my favorite antagonist, Bokgwai, who really should start blogging again! He had way too much fun with this, please read.

   

  I originally made a comment in response to GreekPhysique's post on settling with the intention of starting a debate. Greek never responded. I have since considered writing a full out post on the ideas surrounding the concept of settling, but due to my perpetual busyness (and the impending conclusion of guest writer month), I have resolved to write a point-counterpoint version of a simulated debate between Greek and myself instead. 

   

  Original Text

   

  If you don't settle now, your future spouse won't have to settle later. Think about it. 

   

   

  Counterpoint

  The concept of "settling" is a product of neo-narcissism and record high Western expectations. Marriage is not about finding the best possible trophy partner, but rather, working out a healthy relationship with tremendous give and take. The whole idea of self-sacrifice for your partner is thrown out the window as soon as the idea of "settling" enters the equation. "Settling," or the avoidance thereof, is indicative of an attitude of entitlement.  If we even entertain these ideas, our relationships are bound to suffer.

   

  Point

  There are different kinds of settling. There is the "I need me a better woman than this" kind of attitude towards settling.  But there is an entirely different kind of settling from a different perspective.  Let's work with stereotypes, because they're so easy to manipulate.

   

  Imagine a girl who's been with the same deadbeat for years. He's content working part time and plays videogames whenever he's not at work.  He's fat, lazy, and doesn't help out with the chores. She, on the other hand, is working 40+ hours a week just to support his gaming habit while dreaming away of a better life.  Wouldn't you call this settling?  If she were your friend, wouldn't you tell her that she's settling for less than she deserves and needs to get out of that relationship?

   

  Imagine a guy who's with the same abusive girl since high school.  She runs up the credit card debt and cheats on him all week behind his back.  He keeps sticking with her because he's hoping that she'll come to appreciate his undying love for him.  Isn't this a person you'd want to grab by the ears and shake him out of his fantasy world? 

   

  In both cases, we're talking about people who just don't realize the baggage they are carrying in their significant others.  And more importantly, they don't realize how much they are worth.  They are most certainly settling beneath themselves and deserve better.

   

  Counterpoint

  If they're happy with what they have, then let them continue to be happy. Why try to make them dissatisfied with what they have?

   

  I learned an important lesson when I was trying to "educate" some of paler friends about ethnic foods.  They are perfectly content with eating steak and potatoes for the rest of their life.  It was my mission to expose them to chinese, korean, thai, mexican, and all other sorts of foods that were available.  Foods that I love.  Try as I might, I could not sway them, even after cooking my most well-received dishes.  What I realized in the end is this:  They like what they like.  Who am I to try to change them? Why should I make them be dissatisfied with their potatoes and want something more?

   

  Point

  This is true in some cases.  But in other cases, we're talking about people who just don't know better.  Or worse, someone who knows better, but is too afraid to hope for something more.  I'm talking about people who are in an abusive relationship but are afraid to leave because a) the relationship is all they have ever known and b) they don't believe they deserve anything better.  It is in cases like these that you need to speak into their lives and help them to realize that there is hope… and yes, they do deserve better.  And they can find it.

   

  Counterpoint

  As with all things, balance is key.  There is a time to settle and there is a time to leave things behind.  Yes, there is a need to escape abusive relationships, but there isn't always a need to escape unhappy relationships.  If you just leave a mandate that unhappy relationships should be discarded for greener pastures, you'll find that one out of every two marriages will fail.  Oh wait…

   

  There is a time when people need to just buckle down and say, "I'm not happy with where I am at right now, but I'm going to make it work.  I'm not going to quit.  I'm not going to just go out there and find a better partner.  I'm going to get help and try to work things out."  This is not just a good idea; it is a defining characteristic of maturity when a person is willing to accept temporary discomfort in exchange for long term growth and compromise.

   

  Point

  So that's your final answer?  There is a time for everything? How very Ecclesiastical of you. I hate when things end in a stalemate.

   

  Counterpoint

  Your mom ends in a stalemate.

   

  Point

  Thank you and good night!

  • 9:44 pm
  • 13 Comments