November 4, 2010

  • Friends and Fools: Confessions of a Foul-Weather Friend

    I've previously written about foul-weather friends on this blog. You know how a fair-weather friend is only a good friend when everything is wonderful and you want to party? Well, a foul-weather friend is the amusing opposite--they are best when you are going through times of crisis and need help.

    I must admit that for many of my friends, especially here, I am a foul-weather friend. I'm excellent in emotionally stressful situations when I'm not involved, and can do a fairly good therapist how-do-you-feel-think-positive-thoughts two-step in a pinch. However, the problem is, after the storm cloud has passed, how do you have fun again? How do you now relate to each other when no one has a crisis, nothing particularly needs done, and you're just hanging out? I'm a bit of a structure freak, myself. I still remember sitting down with a friend and watching people go by at his college and realizing...I'm not sure I actually did that at my college. I was always on the go, always doing tasks. Relax? What's that? Why in the world would people want to gather at someone's house and just "have fun?" What? No PLANS?! ARE YOU PEOPLE CRAZY!!! heh

    Side-rant: I see a lot of people who describe themselves as easy-going. To me, easy-going sounds more like "I have no idea what I want or where I'm going, but just entertain me and I'll love you." I am being sarcastic. My one friend is easy-going, and I love him a lot. But...I just completely disagree that easy-going is a virtue all the time.

    So for fun, I'll open this one up to personal analysis. As you should know, the LAST thing a foul-weather friend wants is for other people to help them, or to take advice. (There's a delightfully savage analogy to make that the helpers help to avoid being helped...). Still, how can people who enjoy helping others retain our ability to be good in times of crisis while also being an excellent friend in the quiet, easygoing, and fun times? Is the desire to help in itself a problem, in some ways? Or are we getting burned out on trying to help too many people in too many ways?

Comments (11)

  • Perhaps just take a note from your good easy going friend and just relax! ;) Start off slowly, see a movie with friends who are secure and happy.  You don't have to talk much but you're still spending time with them hahah!

    Your type of "foul-weatherness" isn't bad. However, I know some "foul-weather" people who are bad, well I guess they would be more accurately described as "misery loves company people." When you're down and sad they're your best friends, but the minute you start to put the pieces of your life together they turn on you and even try to destroy the things or people that are making you happy......

  • I am easy going and my wife finds it easy to be going. It is the perfect match. She likes to be comforted and I like to comfort. You are correct. It does not work the other way around. It is assumed that I will always be the strong one while she is the strong willed one. It is the perfect marriage.

  • You seem like an encourager which is the best kind of foul weather friend. In my opinion the world is full of fair weather friends and far too few who will stick with your through the tough times. I think it's a good idea to try to balance things out. I'm an encourager/helper too and I have to make an effort to try to relax and enjoy things. My pastor says It's a lot like Martha in the bible in because I get so busy helping people that I sometimes forget to take the time to enjoy people. In my opinion, helping is important, vital even, but those of us who do that automatically need to make an effort to go "against our nature" so to speak, and take time to enjoy our friends during the good times too. I think the same can be said for those who are easy going by nature who must take the time to comfort and be there for their friends in times of need even though they'd probably rather be almost anywhere else. I suppose a group of friends with a mix of both would be the ideal group. Maybe that's why God tells us to stay in an active body? So that we get that needed mix? LOL sorry this was so long I kind of typed it while I was thinking it through.

  • You're just nice, that's all. hahaha

  • I am another foul-weather friend. What I am learning is 1) I may drive myself into a heart attack before I am 30 if I don't stop and 2) when I need to stop enabling. And, yes, there is a difference between enabling and being a friend. I just hate to draw the line.
    What I've had to do is force myself to relax. Write, watch a movie, work on my art--whatever. I need to forget about the problems swamping me to allow me to think clearly. Take a step back. That's what your friends look for when they come for advice: someone a little removed from the situation to hear them out.
    I also pray. A lot. And have found other ways to relax.

  • One particular old friend comes to mind when I read your description of a foul-weather friend. She truly would jump right in, listening and advising when I was going through a tough time. When she was going through a tough time, she dismissed or played devil's advocate to every word I said and tried to change things back to talking about me. Sure, it's great to have someone who will be there when you really need them. However, even though things were this way, they still felt like they were all about her and what she wanted at the time. The friendship had to end. Wow, did I just turn a comment into a therapy session?

    Neither a foul-weather friend  nor a fair-weather friend is much of a friend at all,,,,I'm speaking more of when it turns into a power game, though. I agree with the above comment that you seem like an encourager. :)

  • that's a lot of questions there! good thought provoking ones. how do you have fun again after the crisis? for me, i'm give thanks for resolution, don't bring the situation up again unnecessarily and get back to my easy-going ways. :) for me, being easy-going means if i've got free time, i'm up for almost anything but don't count on me not having an opinion. example> friend: want to go see a movie? me: sure! f: what do you want to see m: i dunno, what do you want to see? f: don't start that again! m: these two looked cool f: that one m: okay. and i'm picking where we sit. and we're going to be early to have a good selection. i hate missing previews. f: off we go!
    maybe the key to being a good friend in both foul and fair weather is simply the willingness to be around no matter the situation.
    the desire to help only gets in the way when the person with it isn't listening to the person they want to help. the motive behind the desire is then suspect. maybe the only way they can is in prayer and not in a tangible form. when helping becomes less about person receiving than the person giving, i think that's where it gets sticky and unhelpful. i don't think you can ever "help too much" the question is why? and your right, that's a very personal question. 
    i bet i could go on, but...i leave it at this. :)

  • It can be tough to turn someone away when they are reaching out, but it can also be necessary at times.

    My dad is a "foul weather friend". I get sick of his crap sometimes.

  • Aw, I'm with you, I'm a "foul weather friend" as well.  Plus I'm an INFJ like you.  I'm with friend both through good + bad ...not just bad though.  Am happy to celebrate.  BUT, I'm particularly feeling for them + whatever random strangers anytime they're going through the bad (like you).  Maybe it's because I didn't get much emotional support while growing up that I so value giving it.  I know some people need it..and know sometimes not always getting it.  Enough for me to give it. 

    ps. I don't mind being the one to rush in when others rushing out.  My first thought is, maybe they don't have anyone.  And I know how that feels.  So rather be there just in case, they had no one.

  • Yeah, easy going can mean complacent, and compromising, not willing to stand up for anything, or have a standard.  It can mean lazy.  I'm not sure what I think about the whole 'easy-going' thing.  I am like you.  I like to be busy, and I like people who know how to be busy... as in productive... not just looking busy.

    This post was very helpful to me.  You've just made me understand a friend of mine who seems to no longer be a friend.  It is because she is a foul weather friend.  This post explains her personality perfectly.  "the LAST thing a foul-weather friend wants is for other people to help them, or to take advice. (There's a delightfully savage analogy to make that the helpers help to avoid being helped...)"  I have been trying to be a friend to her and your post helps me to realize why that does not work.  She only wants to be there to "help" me and not to come to me ever for help herself.  To me the definition of friendship is that you turn to each other in times of need.  Foul weather friend indeed... what an excellent, insightful post.

  • I'm definitely the easy-going type, and your sarcastic remark isn't actually too far off for me.  I'm laid back to the point of being habitually indecisive around other people because I can have fun doing pretty much anything.  I'd rather they choose what they want to do, and I'll tag along.  I fly by the seat of my pants because my life has proven time and time again that I don't get to have the privilege of making long term goals.  My short term goals are sketchy at best (sometimes literally! lol).  My usual "plan" is my daily routine that's in place to help keep me at least somewhat productive, otherwise I can get completely absorbed in distractions necessary for my sanity.

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