January 18, 2011

• Reprint: Bad Boys Series, #2: How to be a Player

  Years ago, I did a series on how to beat Bad Boys (and Girls) at their own game. It was hosted on another Xangan's site and done with him. He's graciously allowed me to reprint some of those entries here. This is first post I did. I am kind of horrified at this post now, ha, but nonetheless am putting it up.
  

  Bad Boy Approach: “Play? Bro, you mean foreplay, right?” The Bad Boy gets away with quite a bit by pretending that sexual come-ons are just one big game. It's hard to argue with results. After all, snapping a girl's bra will get you the attention of 99 out of a 100 girls--it's scientifically tested and proven! (Ok, I only got to 5 before a well-aimed slap ended the study, but I'm extrapolating here. Ah, suffering for the sake of science!).

  Mr. Nice Guy Approach: “Women are valuable and delicate flowers that must only be admired from a distance. I shouldn’t joke around with them as if they're fellow humans; how gauche! Besides, there’s no time for play! Relationships are SERIOUS! I mean, what if I don’t ask her about her relationship with her 5th cousin, and then we get married, and her 5th cousin who she hasn't seen since she was 8 could totally be a psychopath killer? I saw it happen on a Lifetime movie once, which I Tivo regularly, so it could happen!” The Nice Guy doesn’t want to follow the Bad Boy example, but he doesn’t understand the role of play in relationships.

  The Real Move: Actually, the Nice Guy is right—a lot is at stake in relationships.In fact, even admitting you like someone is risky. What if the person takes advantage of your love to use you? I just came back from a date, and there's a lot I like and know about her. But what if that 5th cousin really IS a psycho killer? And she wore pants again--what if she is hiding a wooden leg due to wounds suffered in Pirate Wars? (The answer is, we'd have to date again, especially if we can stage "Whoops! Lost my leg again!" skits at various coffee shops). And what if she's just dating me because I'm a Xanga star? I mean, I'm pretty sure I've received one fan letter in the last four years that was NOT written in poor English (bad grammar is such a turn-off) by picture-less Xangans. You just want me for my eProps and Recommends, you comment-diggers!

  That’s why it’s even more important that you play around. The less serious you are, the less likely she thinks that going on a date with you is at all serious, and the less likely you are to tense up and start blushing or stuttering. The less serious you are, the more likely you are to make a good impression, as long as you don't start telling Knock-Knock jokes. It’s precisely because so much is at stake that you want to play around! The Bad Boy is so successful because while the rest of us men are standing on the sideline trying to rank pickup lines, he just throws himself at the girl, even if it means using line #2532 on the list. (Officially, #2532 is a tie between “I bet I could kiss you without touching your lips” and “Are those spacepants?”). Given a choice between no guy and a Bad Boy, what girl wouldn't try the Bad Boy?

  Here are some ideas to play with a potential girlfriend or spouse:

  1.      Play actual games. Ok, so maybe you can’t tell jokes, and your attempts at flirting come across as creepy nonsense that Chris Hansen would be chortling over on Dateline NBC. Instead, ask her to play a game with you—a sport, a board game, a video game, whatever it may be. You may find it easier for your personality to come out when you do games together, instead of talking.

  2.      Make every day events playful. Are you taking a class with her? Tease her that you’ll get a higher grade than her, or that she’s in love with the professor/TA. Create opportunities for jokes and competition that bond you together. The couple that plays together, stays together (ducks well-deserved slap for the pun).

  3.      Learn a few routines to encourage play. For example, some guys do magic tricks; others have pickup lines to start a game; still others might walk their dog and encourage girls who look interested to play with the dog. Find a technique and memorize it. If you're really desperate, rent a Where's Waldo outfit and when girls ask "Where's Waldo?", say "Where ever you want him to be!" ha.

  4.      Don’t always connect play to sex. A Bad Boy's game usually falls apart on closer inspection. A Bad Boy’s girlfriend or spouse eventually realizes that he only plays with her when he wants her body. So she feels emotionally deprived, and eventually dumps him for a Nice Guy who fulfills her emotional needs. But who wants to wait for a Bad Boy's misused seconds?  Improve on his technique by purposely being more playful if she’s feeling/looking less attractive on a given day, perhaps even if she is ignoring you at first. This has a way of getting her attention, and she’ll feel safer with you if she doesn’t feel that you are weaseling your way into her affections. I think you’ll find that play creates romance easily enough—there’s no need to force it.

  5.      Return to your shared games and play when times get tough. Have some code games and jokes between you that other people don’t understand. This will lighten the mood in bad times, and make you both feel cool and united in good times. Sure, no one else knows what "Green Goes the Car" means, but she does, and that works well enough, right?

  Other ideas?

  • 2:28 pm
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