February 9, 2011

  • Eliminating Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda, and Dida from Your Life

    As you know, Valentine's Day is coming up, and many of us will be buying candy for ourselves alone this holiday season. It's tempting to want to fill the gap by renewing ties with the ones we could have, should have, would have, or did love. But I encourage you to try another method...and completely sever those ties instead.

    Why? When the love went out of the relationship, often the two people involved will make promises to stay friends. Or the one whose love was unrequited or unrecognized promises themselves to bottle up those emotions and just keep it "professional" or "classy" or whatever is the opposite of "serenading her from outside her window at 3AM while the neighbors throw rocks at you" is. Sometimes, the relationship is completely a "could have" relationship. There was a small window there where the two of you could have dated, but for some reason neither of you noticed, and now it's too late. But keep being friends anyway, right? You never know...

    However, the older I get, and the more the "coulda, shoulda, woulda, dida" lists pile up, the more I think it's just easier to cut ties and move on. That emotional energy used to maintain friendlationships (if you will excuse the made-up word) could be better applied to a new relationship that actually has a chance of succeeding. If neither you or her is likely to change much, why continue contact? Why not just blissfully start over and hold an Internet house-cleaning as well? Delete the letters, photos, e-friendships, and names off your messenger list. Wouldn't that give you a fresh start? Isn't there a certain freedom in letting go of past mistakes and well-intentioned efforts? Why stay in touch, anyway, if you don't believe there ever will be a relationship?

    I'm intentionally taking a controversial position I don't quite believe in...but I'm starting to think I want to believe in it. Thoughts? Here's an interesting quote for you to finish this off, from John Thomas:

    "Before I answer your question, I need to make a confession. As early as I can remember noticing that there was an opposite sex (Christie or Misty in Kindergarten was my first love as I recall), I have never understood the whole guy/girl "buddy" thing. Unless I'm forgetting someone, I don't think I've ever had one single "buddy" of the opposite sex. Of course I had friends, but never any relationship of any depth, unless I was interested in pursuing her as a girlfriend.

    By "relationship of any depth," I mean a relationship where very much emotional energy was shared. I don't recall going out of my way to make sure that never happened, I'm just saying that, for some reason, it didn't. Maybe I was just a shallow individual, who knows? But my buddies were guys, and the girls with whom I shared emotional energy, I did so in pursuit of a (dating) relationship with them.

    So, that's my bias as I come to your question. I'm not a big fan of opposite-sex buddies. It has only been in the last few seconds of history that this has really been much of an issue. Historically, opposite-sex relationships have been reserved for guys and girls intent on marriage, or at the very least some kind of romantic (or sexual) pursuit."

Comments (13)

  • I think vday is a load of hogwash. Everyone should show love to friends and family all the time and not
    Just on a hallmark holiday.

  • I have never seen the a friendship between a man and a woman were one or both of them did not at least at one time want there to be more

  • One of my best friends is a guy I really liked (I am female).  I will admit, "friendlationships" as you call them are not for the faint of heart, because it took a long time for me to get where I am now, but I wouldn't have traded it for the world, and actually, the thought of losing him as a friend was a much, much worse pain than the actual rejection once I admitted my feelings--I was terrified to even tell him for that exact reason, but I think if the relationship was to move on, even as a friendship, I had to get that out in the open.  And since that point, he's been very clear about not being interested, and I've accepted it without some made-up lingering hope of him changing his mind, which would definitely poison the friendship and make it impossible to go on.  If you can't get over the fact that things may never change and that life is not always When Harry Met Sally, then it's not a good idea to stay close friends, though occassional friends might be a possibility.  Honestly though, he's blessed my life so much I can't imagine how I would have made it through the last few years without him.  It's like having a close brother or cousin now I suppose (except I'm allowed to remind him he's hot without being creepy, ha), which is a much different kind of relationship than those with my girlfriends.  I don't feel like my feelings are stifled anymore (though of course they were initially), and I never regret spending time with him.  And while our friendship may be toned down when one of us starts dating, it's by no means the end of it. :)

    Down with societial expectations!  lol

  • I'm so glad you posted this! Especially since I'm in the process of deleting my ex from my life. I finally deleted him from my phone, as well as the few text messages I had saved because he called me his "future wife" or because it was the first time he said he loved me. (Sad that he never actually told me he loved me in person...should have been a dead give-away that he never truly cared about me.) I'm just finding it really hard to delete his Facebook...and the Facebook of his new girl. I know he and I will never have a relationship again (and I know for a fact that we are NOT friends) but I still have to be kinda civil to him. He is my brother's best friend. Fuck.

  • I have had quite a few male friends, some of which I developed deep-ish relationships with. We'd have lengthy conversations, hang out a bunch, etc. And often, I found that if anything about "dating" was brought up, it was by an outside party. Some of the guys I'm friends with now are also in relationships, so that could make a difference...taking off some of the pressure. I just wonder whether the same could really be said for same-gender relationships as well. Partially due to the increase in homosexuality and bisexuality, but also, for the "straight" folk...do you want to spend the time building a friendship if it's with someone you wouldn't consider to be a lasting friend? Someone you know will flake out on you all the time or heap boatloads of drama into your life? I cut those people out of my life anyway, whether not I'd pursue any sort of romantic relationship with them.

  • I've got guy buddies. They're gay.

    Really though, i do have a few guy buddies who've never showed any romantic interest in me whatsoever. May have something to do with the fact that i started out as more of a terrifying peer and turned into a tough-love mentor/friend--which i take to mean as they never originally saw me as someone they'd be interested in and now it'd just be too strange to occur at all. I've also known these guys since middle school. 

    I also have guy buddies who I used to be interested in and vice versa but now we are merely just good friends, the sexual/romantic tension having dissipated out of the equation over time. I think they count.

    Very rarely do I date guys who are already good friends and very rarely are guys who are good friends inclined to attempt dating me. I'm a trifle bit moonbat, as they well know.

  • Eh, I've only been able to have friendships with guys that I didn't care for romantically. I believe that it's possible. I have a couple good guy friends that I don't think in any other way than the brothers that I never had.

  • Hmmm... I don't know. I have quite a few guy friends, but yes, I would say I "go deeper" w/ my female friends. The guy friends that I have talked more deeply with one or the other of us developed feelings, so...I do see how this could be true. I'm not so sure about completely cutting someone off just b/c it didn't work out romantically though - that completely depends on the situation and whatever surrounded it. Also, if it's holding you back from God and you're still holding on FOR REAL to something that could happen. *shrugs*

    Many of my friends have deep relationships with both sexes. I think the only reason it is possible is because these are all very God-centered.

  • Certainly an interesting position to take. It does make some sense, and Valentine's Day is as good a day as any other to completely sever ties. It can be healthy, although I do disagree with the last quote.

    But then, I think it depends on the person. Just because it isn't possible for one person to be buddies doesn't make it a universal rule for all.

    Interesting position, to be sure.

  • I think this is good advice. Also, from personal experience, doing this gets rid of a LOT of tension in new / current relationships.

  • Heehee, my best friend is male... but we've known each other since the beginning of highschool, and my family basically adopted him... sooooo... he's more of a brother.  And he keeps other dudes away from me. 
    Cutting ties with all old relationships/flames/etc. feels aaaamazing.   I just need to stop Facebook stalking. *ahem*

  • great post. I've never made a conscious effort to say "I won't have close guy friends" it's just seemed to end up being that way. I know plenty of guys that I consider friends, but in the same way I have lots of friends that are girls who aren't my close girlfriends. I've done this type of cleaning digital house some time after a guy I was getting to know better fizzled out, it really was a relief to do. It doesn't seem like controversial advice to me, just a really good decision to take care of one's emotional health. :) Happy Valentines Day! Love in all it's forms is worth celebrating, not just romantically. Cutting ties that can hold you back is a great way to say "I love myself!" :)  

  • thanks. good point. I go back and forth on this...and then loudly claim one (or the other) at random times...in all sincerity and creeping up on Vday--this is the wisest choice. i still have that silly wish that i have this great friendship that then poof! is this great relationship. i need to put that away in the nice lil box at the bottom of the closet.

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