June 5, 2011
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The Drug-Dealer Dilemma
Suppose that you have a younger sister named Susan, who is 19. Susan has tended to make poor dating choices in the past. She once even dated a guy who was physically abusive. But now she tells you she has met David, who treats her right. She gushes about him, but then notes in passing that he supports himself by selling illegal drugs.
Updated Note: This is a completely hypothetical situation based on a composite of various dilemmas my friends and I have been in over the years. There is no present crisis, promise. I deliberately made sure that none of my friends were involved in something like this when I posted this. So feel free to say what you will.
The temptation is to freak out. This is your sister! And she is dating a man who could be arrested at any second and put away for decades! Or what if one of his rivals decides to get back at him by taking a shot at his girlfriend? Your sister could be in danger! Plus, he's probably a monster, right? Your poor sister is probably terribly deceived!
But on the other hand...what if he really does treat her better than any other guy she's ever had? You'll look terribly ignorant for acting like you know more than she does about the guy. Yes, he's in a dangerous, illegal business...but you don't know him, either. And how can you say "There are better guys out there" when the guys she has known have all been terrible about this guy? Sure, you can try to make a secular "It gets better" argument, or a spiritual "God has someone for you" argument, but those are pie-in-the sky arguments based on believing that tomorrow is better than today. And sometimes it does NOT get better.
We've all been in a similar situation with a friend. What would you do? For those of you who HAVE dated the "Davids" of this world, what would have helped?
Comments (31)
I would get her away from that loser. Drug dealin is a dangerous business.
dont know quite honestly...maybe work on david and try to get him out of it for the good of everyone?
I can't imagine thinking that dealing drugs is no big deal. If he lives that kind of life, people are just tools to him, and when she no longer pleases him, his reaction will devastate her. Someone with her history probably believes anyone with the appearance of strength is better than she is, and she will wholeheartedly accept his assessment of her. Until that attitude changes, there's probably nothing that can be done to stop her chasing after a succession of poisonous men.
that's tough. i agree with @ShimmerBodyCream though, it's a very dangerous business. i'd definitely do what i could but it would ultimately be her decision. as a grown woman she's entitled to that decision.
Also, if someone in that situation has valid evidence to take to the police, you take it. Susan will hate you because she can't see outside her own little world of being romanced, but at least she'll have a better shot at living long enough to change.
I have a friend who is dating a guy named David who happens to sell drugs. How ironic.
I'm not of much help because I've never been in this kind of situation, but I think advising her to get out of that situation is important.
um, just because he sells illegal drugs doesn't mean someone is a monster. maybe that is the only successful way he can support himself. I think I'd advise her to be very careful and possibly try and find someone else, but in the end, it would be her decision, not mine.
why is david selling drugs, and what drugs is he selling? someone who makes some extra spending cash on the side by selling pot is not the same as someone who supports themselves by dealing crack. and neither makes up the entirety of his personality
I would suggest maybe helping him find a real job so that he could ease out of it. But it is a choice. I mean the same argument could be made about someone who makes a living with porn.
I actually married a guy like the David the drug dealer. He grew out of the drug dealing but held onto the "treats me better than any man ever". I guess that makes me biased? There are more than one type of drug dealer. There are many different rungs on the ladder from a guy who sells pot to adult buddies for weekend parties to the guy who pushes heroine to kids and deliberately addicts them so he can use them till they're dead or in jail. If someone I love was involved with a drug dealer I'd want to get to know him better before I made too many judgements about who he is as a person.
I would only offer advice if she asked. She's a grown woman, it's her decision and her life.
Been there, done that. Tell her not to date him. She'll only get hurt. Drugs always take precedent. I don't care how good the guy treats here. The guy treated me like a princess for the first couple of months. I went into the relationship thinking I could change him, thinking that I was more important than the drugs. What I didn't take into account was that the drugs are addictive, that no matter how hard he tries to change, he won't. I can't change a guy. Only God can. And the guy was supposedly a christian who wanted to become a pastor.
My drug dealer (and boyfriend at the time) was probably the only reason I'm alive today. He had his faults, but at the end of the day, he was a decent guy. He treated me well and protected me from things I didn't stand a chance against.
All that to say, I would tell Susan to run for the hills. If there is one thing I learned from that relationship, its that drug dealers very rarely ever stop dealing (especially if they are dealing hard drugs, like mine was), and they have a really bad habit of either ending up in jail or in the morgue. I haven't kept up with my ex, but since I live in a rather small community, we have a lot of the same friends, and I found out he's been in and out of jail more times than I care to admit. He's almost died as a direct result of dealing, and more than one of his girlfriend's after me has been a target of violence because of my ex's dealing. Its a dangerous lifestyle, no matter how safe they try to make it.
I have a different take on this I guess. What if Susan fell in love with the guy and they had kids? Would you want your nieces and nephews growing up like that?
I wouldn't.
I don't want anybody that I care about to be around drug dealers. They're targets...both from the cops and from other criminals. And if your friend/sister/whoever gets involved with the dealing, even accidentally, and gets caught, that's serious trouble right there. There's only so much I could do as a sibling, but the risks to this person's safety that come with dating a dealer just aren't worth it, no matter how great the guy seems to be.
Of course, many of these risks come from the fact that drugs are illegal in the first place which probably shouldn't be...but again, just not worth it.
I agree with some of the comments above which suggestthat there is room for grace and redemption. Of course I would still be concerned for her, but probably best thing to do for her would be to listen, be a good role model or example of a man who treats women well, and just allow her to feel safe enough to make her own mistakes ( unfortunately maybe have to learn from them too). I know people mean wellto warn and caution, and sometimes it's greatly appreciated, but especially if someone might suffer from low self esteem or not feel very empowered, it could push them away further if one might confront or offer unsolicited opinions.
drug dealing isn't a personality. i don't have a problem with it, and i wouldn't if anyone i knew dated a so called 'dealer' they're still people.
Suzan will have to learn for herself and no one else will for her. Her bad choice is an expression of her lack of self-esteem, i imagine.
If he's dealing drugs then he's not better and she's still making poor choices... dead end choices.
There are too many unanswered questions in this hypothetical situation. Is he taking the drugs, too, or just selling them? What kind of drugs? Are the drugs he's selling helping people? (Maybe they're prescription drugs outlawed in his country for bogus reasons or something. Hell, even marijuana has medicinal properties that a lot of people benefit from.) How did he get in that situation? Is it a long-term or short-term thing? Are they both aware of the potential consequences? What kind of person is David, anyway?
They're both adults and can make their own decisions. I'd have a lengthy discussion with Susan and go over the pros and cons of her relationship. Then it's up to her and David.
Dealing drugs is a profession practiced by all types of people in all types of situations. If it's something like marijuana- it's absolutely not a big deal at all. If it's harder things like meth, there might be more to look into. But really, if she says he's great, you have to take her word for it.
The sopranos. Drug dealers are the scum? Or are the police the aggressors? Or are some drug dealers good people? And can you imagine no law enforcement? Overall, things fall in place, and drugs attract all sorts of walks in life. If I could do drugs, I think my sex libido would increase. I could probably get a degree under the influence.
the things i really remembered were statements when people reminded me of my worth, and God's goodness in intention towards me. i think a pointed question (is this someone to whom you can submit?l or statement (things that are unsettled in dating will only get worse in marriage) go far. also, if your sister is a christian, reminding her to hear and accept the voice of God in her life.
There is so nothing you can do when a girl loves a bad boy. Other than pray
"Susan" will make the choices she will make, regardless of your fervency in trying to dissuade her otherwise. However, offering her your perspective on Dave and the potential dangers of that relationship, while showing that your primary concern is for HER and not what "she should/needs to do," may help her in making a wiser choice in the end.
I wish there was a way to shut my heart off sometimes, hah.
Before giving advise, one should probably learn more about him, his personality, the relationship, and what he actually sells. The fact that he treats her better than any other guys she's dated doesn't seem to be much of a compliment to him, just an insult to the other guys she's dated. Find out if he's involved in dangerous business, who he is, etc.
If the guy is a genuinely good guy, I'd try to get him a more legit job. Possibly something that pays slightly less, but is legal.
A1 - How is it that Susan is always the random pick of names? lol.
A2 - It's silly when people assume about other people's relationships. They have no idea what happens behind closed doors. Even if they THINK they do.
A3 - I think girls can choose for themselves who they want to be involved with. That's not a decision God makes for you.
@bittersweetreflections - man do I hear ya on that one !!
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