June 20, 2011
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Classified
I used to work in an environment where many of our documents were proprietary and thus classified. That summer, I enjoyed making many jokes about this or that being "Classified" or "Not For Civilians" when needed. But there was an element of that secrecy that I couldn't get rid of and that resonated deeply.
I have always struggled to find a good balance between secrecy and sharing. Sharing is a beautiful thing that creates intimacy and unity when done with the right people. As I have gotten older, I've learned how to better share about myself in such a way that others are amused and educated, and that they then in turn share with me. It's tempting to think that the more we share, the more we are loved. We begin to believe that if people truly knew us, if we could just open up and be heard, then we would be liked. Even worse, we begin to think that people do not like us only because they do not know enough about us. Haters are merely ignorant people who can be wooed if only they look into our beautiful eyes and hear us talk. This is narcissism at its finest, as we begin to think that all non-believers are merely uninformed by their poor life choices.
However, there comes a point when sharing has gone too far, and one re-classifies large portions of oneself that were once open-source material. The gesture is futile by its very nature. If I already spilled out my heart to you, there is no gathering discrete pieces of my aorta and reconnecting the ventricles. But it makes me feel better to at least stop the bleeding. The heart may no longer pump blood for health, but neither does it leak. Having realized that one of my dearest friends was an obsessive liar, gritting my teeth that such a fraud must escape detection and punishment, I feel the urge to fortify myself. I find myself obsessively trying to close my mouth more and hold in my passions. The classification stamp is back out, and in my madness I find myself classifying the smallest, most mundane details, details that could never hurt me in the end. But like all tyrannical governments, I believe that knowledge is power, and since I am corrupted absolutely, I must stamp document after document until the real version of me is [redacted] and the red tape will set me free...
Comments (10)
In knowing the love of God in Christ, there's a great freedom because we can be sure even when we do end up sharing too much or too intimately, God is still sovereign over it and will work it all out for our good and His glory (though yes, there will be definite consequences!) That said, we do need to be discerning – as you put it: "Sharing is a beautiful thing that creates intimacy and unity when done with the right people." I really liked what you had to say here and will be praying for you (as well as myself). I can be pretty open with people too quickly and at times I've regretted that. Vulnerability is a strength, but it's also a weakness all at the same time.
cheer up, guy. you deserve to be happy.
i remember once hearing that if we always tell the truth, we have to remember less. this is true to some extent. i agree that discretion is in order, however, particularly in regards to the revelation of others' poor characters (just because they have revealed such to us, does not necessarily give us the right to reveal it to others -- as you stated so well above). there is a line in the wedding planner about such a situation (finding out someone was actually someone else), that says "thank the ---- [indiscrete word] and move on!" i bet we'd be happier if we were able to take that approach. i am, by nature, skeptical. but i am finding that most people are actually who they say they are (usually in actions, not in words). and the people who are hypocrites will eventually be revealed. but more than that, their hypocrisy should inspire us to pray for their repentance. hypocrisy is an awful way to live. we all have experience (at least a little) in that camp, since none of us have yet arrived. thanks for sharing, friend
i tend to think the opposite; the more people get to know me the less they will like me. it's borne out by experience.
*hug*
This goes in cycles. Someone hurts you. You close off. You get desperately lonely. You find someone and pour out your heart. That person hurts you. This is just life. I pray that God brings you someone trustworthy to break the chain.
This makes me so sad.
I like what Karen said. I am praying for us all. That we be worthy of others trust too. It helps me to bring it back to myself now and again too.
I'm sorry for what you went through brother.
Learning what to share and what not to seems to be a never-ending process, but I think we get better at it over time. However, learning to judge people never seems to get easier. We will always be let down from time to time by people we trust.
All too true. Nice post, Greek.
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