July 12, 2011

  • Adventures in Bachelorland: The Cleaning of the Bathtub

    Note: Pseudofictitious. All the parts you think are jokes are true.

    Fourscore and seven years ago (minus a fourscore or so), I became a live-alone bachelor. That means that one has to do certain household tasks that one abhors. Normally these tasks can be avoided. However, there are certain events that strike fear in a bachelor's heart. One of them is looming quickly; a move, and the arrival of...THE MOMINATOR. THE MOMINATOR is a pitiless creature that has no mercy on messy bachelors. Her belief is that cleanliness is not only next to godliness, it IS godliness. Dust is sin, and dirty dishes hint at a dirty heart that clearly is the reason why the bachelor is still single.

    Frantic about the arrival of THE MOMINATOR, the bachelor began not-so-routine bathroom cleaning operations. This simulated live-blog of his traumatic experience and thoughts is recorded for your amusement, education, and horror:
    8:24 PM: "The mirror is finally clean. Now my self-posed photos for dating sites won't get criticism about my filthy mirror. Nothing can hold me back now! The ladies will love Mr. Clean!"
    8:28 PM: "Ha, this toilet will be clean in no time!"
    8:29 PM: "So, um, that's why that brush was so cheap. Now how do I get the brush head out of the toilet when it broke?"
    8:35 PM: "YUCK!"
    8:40 PM: "Maybe I should just leave the shower for some other time. Look there's a reason why I have the No Girls Allowed sign on my apartment door. My pesky neighbor who keeps asking to visit me can just live with my excuses about clutter. Why would she want to visit me anyway when she has a perfectly nice apartment of her own?"
    8:45:00 PM: *Imagines the reaction of THE MOMINATOR when seeing the shower*
    8:45:01 PM: *Jumps in the shower and frantically starts scrubbing it down*
    8:48 PM "This doesn't seem to be cleaning quickly enough" *sprays more cleaner* "Y U NO CLEAN?!"
    8:49 PM "FUMES! CAN'T BREATHE"
    8:55 PM "It was nearly too late for the computer chip safe room after the dreaded Uku terrorists had sprayed the walls with grimeonium, but thankfully super-spy Captain Bonago was there. Wielding his superpowers of cleanliness, he deftly stretched and strained WITH NO REGARD FOR PERSONAL SAFETY. Stretching to his right, he...."
    9:05 PM "Susan would have liked me if only I had worn my lucky tie to the first date. Everyone knows Type A's don't wear paisley."
    9:10 PM "...mumble mumble IT IS HOT! WHY AM I DOING THIS!"
    9:15 PM "Oh, so that's why she wanted to visit."
    9:20 PM "There, finally done! Now to use my new clean shower to clean my sweaty self off!"
    9:35 PM *Sweats again* *Dirties shower again*

    This exciting episode of Bachelorhood was brought to you by Arm and Hammer, the only cleaning item tough enough to handle bachelor-level stains in your shower. Buy some today!

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