April 26, 2012
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Right Country, Wrong Heart? A Dating Test to Destress Your Life
How many of you have made a list of characteristics for the person you want to marry? For some of us, those lists are rather silly. But for others, this list gets quite serious at the top. That's where we have a must-have that we don't feel we can negotiate very easily:
"Must be Chinese...or my mother will freak out."
"Must also be Muslim...or I don't feel I could marry and have children with this person."
"Must also be really, really ridiculously good-looking, just like me."
Ok, MAYBE not the third one. But you get the idea: people who want to date someone of the same religion or ethnicity face a strict challenge. When you go date someone who really is Chinese, or Muslim, just like you, you want it to work. They check the box that is the most difficult to check. And yet...Let's be honest, ok? Some Christians are bland and uninteresting, and some Greeks are annoying and confrontational. I find myself at times asking myself "Do I really like this woman, or am I just dating her because she's a Christian?" So, I offer you a test so filled with common sense that you'll think I didn't come up with it myself:
"Suppose he/she was NOT Chinese or Muslim. Would I deeply wish, pray, and beg that they were?"
Because that's the real test right there. If you don't have those feelings that you would want the person even if they didn't have the demographic or belief advantage, then you may be wasting your time. There's nothing wrong with wanting to marry someone who shares your culture. But if they can't pass that test, you're making a mistake. Thoughts? Are you in this situation of trying to date someone who matches you and thus having limited options?
Comments (8)
I whole heartedly agree. That's why I threw out those guidelines years ago. It's not that they're still there, I just don't use them as deal breakers since it doesn't matter to me. If they are opened minded enough to put up with my antics, and enough to not shove their beliefs down my throat...then I'm ok with them. ^_^
I think you know, I'm half kidding...
I believe in being equally yoked. Marriage is a long haul and you need every advantage you can get once the initial glow wears off. Fitting in with family, sharing beliefs, becomes really important to your support structure... especially if there are to be children.
I don't have an ethnic identity, so I wouldn't be concerned about that. I do, however, tend to write off "city kids" as being incomprehensible to and incompatible with me. That could be negotiated.
Even though I don't really have a religion, either, I do believe firmly in absolutes and certain standards of right and wrong. I don't think I could marry someone who thought differently on those issues, primarily because I want children. That is really what it's all about for me--I want to be with someone whom I can trust to raise our children "right" and to always have their best interests at heart.
Good God man, you know I have this problem lmao. My parents were pretty strict about the same religion (Orthodox Christian) and then they're also pretty narrow in the choices for that haha. Personally speaking, I can't be with someone who doesn't come from the same or [damn near] similar ethnic background. I discovered that dating my first serious boyfriend and it's a dealbreaker because of how I was raised. There's issues in understanding each other, mentality, there's issues in values and morals. I think if background is part of your identity, you've got to face reality and stop stringing people along, hence guidelines. Yep I have limited options, but there's plenty individuals of said limited options around, and despite my current situation, we get along amazing and understand each other. For me, it just feels empty without that ethnic similarity or singularity. But I can see how it wouldn't matter for a lot of people. It's complicated haha.
I totally agree with this. I would only consider dating someone who really loves Jesus and whose life is full of the fruit of their relationship with Him. But, at the same time, I'm really skilled at reading people and I can tell almost immediately whether our personalities will work together or not. And, there's a lot of attractive, young, radical for Jesus guys at my church, but if I don't feel a connection with them (which I don't really with any of them) I'm still not going to waste their time or my time dating them when I know I'm not really interested and don't see potential for the relationship. I would much rather be single than with someone I'm not completely interested in.
i really agree with this wholeheartedly. however, sometimes it's so hard to find someone who has the same religious beliefs that you do (and isn't erm... weird), you get impatient.
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