May 17, 2012

• Affirmation Stations in Dating

  Think back to the last compliment you received that made you feel good to be you. The last time someone made you feel like you are special and mean something, that who you are is pleasing and desirable. Ah, how we can hoard those moments of bliss! But (pushes nerd glasses further up nose) let's talk about how affirmation works for single people both pre- and post-relationship.

  I was talking to an awkward yet lovely person the other day. After tearing myself away from the mirror, err, finishing my conversation, I was reminded yet again how it can be tough if you've never been in a relationship before. You've never really been affirmed as desirable enough for someone to want to date you. And so there's this feeling that "I need someone to affirm me as beautiful or strong." However, I think it's critical that we learn to affirm ourselves (goes back to mirror) without being in a relationship. I would cynically joke that no one's out of your league if their self-esteem is low enough. It's true: your best protection against opportunists, scammers, and manipulators can be to have a high-enough self-esteem to not fall for the first compliment tossed your way. So get to that self-affirmation already. "I am beloved by puppies and possess vast reservoirs of socially acceptable puns and quips." Err, oops, was supposed to say that to myself.

  There's a cheerful hope that really, if we single people would all affirm one another more, we'd never get in all these lousy relationships. It's a good thought: the idea that if we all just fill each other's affirmation banks, we'd never get into a relationship just so we could be told that our hair looks good. But in reality, I think it doesn't work. You, platonic female friend, doesn't it feel a bit awkward if a guy compliments you? My default comment for all pretty photos posted by platonic female friends are "Looks nice" "Nice eyes" and "Um, looks like it was a nice day. Lovely!" because anything else causes awkwardness. And even same-gender compliments are tricky. Go ahead, tell your study buddy "Bob, I really appreciate the amount of time you took getting ready for school, that cologne really suits you. And by the calm way you answered Professor Smith's question on rotational dynamics, I can tell you'd be a good father." Do it! Let me know how it goes, because it won't be at all awkward.

  Finally, affirmation after a break-up is critical. Breakup is a radical surgery in which the lover is surgically removed from one's frontal lobe and the steady supply of affirmation is cut off. Rebound relationship jokes aside, no wonder the newly single person struggles so much. Yes, I hate being refriended by someone who just broke up with their lover because they need some sympathy. No one likes feeling like a convenience. But in the end, a breakup is a mini-illness, and the person is going to need some hugs and compliments to get better. I wish I could say that romantic rejection or breakup should have no impact because it's just one person. (Also, can we agree that "Lots of fish in the sea" type comments are weird and insensitive? I'm bad at fishing too, stop kicking me when I'm down!). But it does, and so affirmation is important, even though I just said in the paragraph above that affirmation by friends doesn't work. So, um, back to self-affirmation. "My knowledge of 18th century American history makes me a welcome addition to any small coffee-shop gathering."

  • 1:19 pm
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