August 6, 2012

  • The Cost of Intimacy (Series)

    My new friend was telling me about his impending breakup with his girlfriend of several years. He seemed calm, almost analytical, talking about what had happened. I figured he was just rehashing the story, and went ahead and gave a story of my own about an experience I had with a woman. He later told me that I was the first person he told, and just how much it took out of him to tell me. I was embarrassed and ashamed. How did I not realize the honor he was giving me to share this painful experience with me? Why did I not realize the cost of his shared intimacy?

    I have been thinking about intimacy lately, and decided to illustrate it with a story. It's a surprisingly difficult word to define. Merriam-Webster defines intimacy as
    "1. intrinsic, essential b : belonging to or characterizing one's deepest nature

    2 : marked by very close association, contact, or familiarity <intimate knowledge of the law>
    3 a : marked by a warm friendship developing through long association <intimate friends>
    b     : suggesting informal warmth or privacy <intimate clubs>
    4 : of a very personal or private nature <intimate secrets>

    What makes intimacy even more complicated is that we don't know how private or personal something is to someone. To one person, sex itself isn't very private..but telling you about how embarrassed she was when the kids laughed at her in kindergarten is a delicate revelation that she has never shared with anyone else. To another person, the height of intimacy is emotion, and crying in front of you is an act that forever connects the two of you in a way you may not understand. To a third, who never shows his feelings, he's shocked that you never realized how much you meant to him. After all, his body language, actions, and choices showed his warm friendship...but his words never did.

    When someone tells you a secret, or tells you they admire you, or goes out of their way to share a part of themselves with you, do you ever really know what it meant to them? Are we doomed to forever miss just how many precious pearls are shared with us, or is there a way we can properly respond to people who are being intimate with us?

    This may be a week-long series, shall see. Looking forward to your input.

Comments (8)

  • People confide in me quite often, and some want response and some just want to be held and accepted.  I try to just be quiet and let them show me what they need, but I am sure I am not always correct in that.  I just hope that they can see how much I care and will try again if they need that release.

  • I try to value each of my moments, but especially those when I am talking to someone. If you try to value each encounter, little can be missed. Just today I found out a coworker got a job she had wanted (and this means a lot since her residency ends in one month). I could have just told her congrats, but it didn't feel like words were enough to convey my deep feelings of happiness I was having/feeling for her, so I gave her a hug. she hugged me back so hard, it was a wonderful moment of connecting with a co-worker and friend.

    Of course, as you say, to some epople a hug might have been awkward. Some do not like the attention or the physical connection, while others would think it was in appropriate because I am single and she is married. It also depends on how close we are, how close I perceived our relationships vs. how close she perceived it. All of these go into my thinking process, but I think sometimes it goes so fast we are not aware of our reactions, while at other times we take time and slow down before deciding to tell someone something or show affection. I guarantee, if I hadn't known her for a year, I would not have hugged her.

  • You share some very interesting and brave posts. I admire thst you are willing to share your mistakes with the rest if us. I always enjoy reading what you say.

  • Good post! For me there are a few things that I either keep private but I would tell someone I'm comfortable with. I'm a private person on some matters, especially with my feelings. 

  • wow, intimacy. yeah, interesting topic for sure. looking forward to more from you on this

  • I hope this does turn into a series!!!

  • It's interesting how separate people are, and how much we long for connection anyway.

  • I think you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You said yourself that he said it in a fashion that was quite analytical. Unless his body language gave away clues as to what it meant to him (shifting around a lot, misty eyes, far away look) then it appears that he was trying to hide somewhat how important that particular thing he was talking to you about! I wouldn't be too concerned about it... but personally, I do look for body language and facial cues. We can't always read other peoples' minds :)

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