August 25, 2012

• On the Non-Optimal Properties of Intentionally Short-Term Osmosis

  Long-time readers know of my interests in the laboratory sciences. They are especially convenient to discuss on Xanga when one wants to make a point but also wants to avoid charges of sensationalism. As you are quickly realizing, this post has nothing to do with chemistry. Reader discretion is advised. If you’re not part of the hookup culture and don't know people who are, don’t read this, as it is targeted to that audience. Rated D.

  What is the hookup culture anyway? It’s our tendency to seek out physical and emotional intimacy with minimal commitment and investment. It seems to occur most to those in their teens and twenties. Life is rapidly changing, and a certain amount of experimentation makes sense, right? Separated from parents and friends, dealing with work and school pressure, coping strategies are in order. Assume loyalty and fidelity are vestigial constructs and…go. I want to emphasize, I'm aiming this at the hookup culture itself: not isolated incidents, but the mindset that says continual hookery is sustainable, healthy, and without lasting side effects. Consider:

  1)      Inability to treasure memories. Let me start with a rather innocent example. As part of a crush contest, I wrote a beautiful, sensual letter. But that letter was worthless as it was being written.I dearly wish it had been written to someone who I was dating. To indulge in romasexual clichés, your first strip-tease, your first picnic date, and your first whatever, were prologue, not masterpiece. I agree with you, hookup apologist. Beautiful things happen during hookups. Beautiful, broken things...

  2)      Burying secrets in strangers. I know it’s hard to talk about the abuse, and I understand the first guy you told was in an Internet chatroom at 2AM. It had to happen that way, perhaps. But if you continue to have all your emotional intimacy with strangers, you will remain stunted.

  3)      We are the 99%. Not YOU, Miss 36-24-36,and not YOU, Mr. 666 (Six Figure Income, Six Feet Tall, and if I have to explain the last Six, you shouldn’t be reading this.)  The sexual economy is good for you on Fall Street. I saw that 50% increase in your pantsfolio, and there’s never a vacancy at your Bed and No Breakfast. Meanwhile, us commoners are just trying to make ends meet and sucking up to you.

  4)      Not knowing how to be interesting without intimacy.If/when I have a little girl, I’m going to teach her how to speak with men. She’s going to know enough about guys to carry on a conversation. She’s not going to feel insecure because she’s hanging out with this guy she likes and she doesn’t know what to do and he seems bored and HEY WANNA SEE MY BOOBIES?!

  5)     Unpleasant discoveries. You wake up next to the guy you just met, and he tells you “There are way too many N-words on campus.” Congratulations! Welcome to Aryan Nation,partner! And isn’t it fun to discover that so-and-so had a spouse? If you had waited even a week, you would have figured it out.

  6)      Increased insecurity and rejection. You are only as good as your last hook-up. And heaven help you if you have physical flaws. Do you still remember how she laughed when she saw your penis? And yes,he’ll answer your text…eventually. And tell you his phone didn’t work. You believe him, right? You’re too fragile not to…fragile object(ification).

  7)      Liars. She lied to you. That “sexual liberation” talk was just talk. It’s over once she saw how you care about your family and after you did that one thing that one time. She’s a relationship-loving romantic pretending to be a nympho. And (lowers voice) the hook-up culture is full of these frauds. Shame on them, right bro?

  8)      Medicating deep problems. Why spend time on a psychiatrist’s couch when you can spend time on his couch? Nothing’s wrong with you, baby, that a little loving can’t cure. Let’s cover up your need for a father figure by you becoming a father, Big Daddy.

  9)      Begging and Desperation. It’s 2AM, is anyone up? Time to sext your last 5 booty calls until they block you. Daddy needs his fix. Don’t forget FaceSexyTime, sugar, and don’t forget Craig’s Black Book. Then wake up in the morning and try to forget how much you had to lower yourself as the hours of the night wore on.

  10)   Prostitution. Spare me the lecture that all love is prostitution. When he buys his girlfriend something, he’s investing in his future. When you sleep with the person who bought you a drink, you’re transacting in the present. Your roulette wheel has nothing in common with his bank. And funny how easy it was to sell your photos and videos, right? Those guilt-producing neurons were burned away years ago, higher up on the slippery slope.

  11)   Wasted time. Speaking of investments,funny how much time it takes to maintain the hookup culture. Sex buddies have annoying habits of quitting. One can’t get good help these days! But technology is the answer!...because we all know technology designed to save time has never ended up costing us more time than expected.

  12)   Gamification of love.  Up, up, down, down, left,right, left, right, B, A, start…Contra Code. Pickup Line, Pickup Line, Joke,Joke, Negative Comment, Compliment, Negative Comment, Compliment, Touch,Invite, start…Sexing Code. It’s like a video game, bro. What’s your high score?

  13)   Sexual neglect, rape and abuse. Hey stranger, no one else knows you’re in my apartment…and after this I’ll never see you again. Given no threat of retaliation, in one-time negotiations,incentives are created. But don’t worry, rapists never have a big smile and pets, right Ted Bundy? Fine, she may not be a rapist, but she’s selfish, and there is no reciprocation. "Get yourself off on your own time," you’re on the clock here.

  14)   Hiding, always hiding. That person he added on Facebook is, um, his study buddy. His cousin, lol. And hey, movies are more fun when they are watched at 3AM, and coffee is just tastier. If the hookup culture is really that fun, why do you hide it even from your non-judgmental friends?

  15)   You no longer have a choice. You used to choose the hookup culture. Now it chose you. They sense now that you’re up for a quickie. There’s a sign on your forehead and a mark on your back. You used to have rules and standards for your randoms. What happened to those, anyway?

  I don't know how to end this.

  • 11:24 am
  • 11 Comments