February 1, 2013

  • The Greek Is IN: Demonizing an Innocent Ex

    This week on "The Greek is IN", modeled after the excellent, sardonic psychologist Lucy on Peanuts, I received the following email.Today's Question:
    "i would like advice on how to forget about a recent but needed-to-be-forgotten lover

    he didn't wrong me in any way so i can't stop thinking about him and i have to because i'm back with my boyfriend who i love. thanks" Luckily for you, I'm a professional at forgetting lovers, right, Susan, err, Sarah? So many, obviously, that I can't keep them straight. I'm serious about that straight part! They just all suddenly tell me they have become lesbian and that we can't date anymore, and...err, wait, off-track.

    First, you need to demonize your recent lover. Think of any bad qualities he may have, then double them. Did he occasionally play video games too much? ABANDONER. Did you catch him that one time looking at another girl? PHILANDERER. Make sure to talk to your other friends about this, and construct an alternate reality in which he is a villain, and you are lucky to have left him and finally have a real chance at love.

    If this isn't working, and he still seems innocent, make him offend you. I suggest loud, drunken accusations via phone at 2AM. When he claims he doesn't know what you're talking about and tries to go back to bed, double the volume. Soon he'll have actually wronged you and you can properly feel victimized.

    Finally, as a last resort, over-praise your current boyfriend. Make every Facebook update about how wonderful he is. (Hint: Forget the meaning of the words "compensating" and "over-compensating", no matter how many times they are used by people responding to your updates). Refer to him as a god among men, a bullfrog among tadpoles, a Greek among...err, you get my point. Thank me later, Dr. Greek.

    *Note: A serious answer was sent to this email first. All personal emails sent to email will receive personal replies before they are used here for the column.

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