April 16, 2013

• Who Needs Friends When You Have Google?

  "Google that" your friend tells you. He's not being rude, really. He just knows that your question can be better answered by more informed people than himself, or he can't fully explain it himself. So you google this and google that, and you learn, and life goes on...

  ...but what happens when you have a problem? In the past, you'd call mom to ask if those beans were still good on Day 3 (Eat them! Don't waste food! Finger-wag!), or you'd shyly ask your friend at lunch about whether you should be worried about that odd mole on your arm (Probably cancer, bro. Can I have your car if you die?). And Google would still say, "I know better", I have nutritionists and doctors and all sorts of experts, trust me! And Google is right...

  ...but no, let's talk about that other problem. What you did last summer, what he did last week. That embarrassing, scandalous, guilt-inducing problem. In the past, you'd have finally choked out your secret to your dear friend, and it would have been awkward, but you would have (hopefully) heard a dear friend's encouragement. You'd have felt the touch of another, heard hope in their voice. But now, we can hide our true problems from each other, if we want...never truly share the dark times, just cobble together solutions from Yahoo Answers and random forums filled with the cries of the similarly pained. And aha, you get my point, tell a real person, right, but...

  ..."Google that", your friend says, cutting you off, as you try to tell him that secret. He's not being rude, he just doesn't have to deal with your problems anymore. Google will do that. Just come back when you're all better, that's a good friend, maybe find a listening ear with "Google Therapizer" (they don't have it yet, they will). Then let's have a conversation about how shallow people have become, while the irony coats our ears, or would if we didn't have to look up irony to know what it means...

  • 6:59 pm
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