June 19, 2013

• Paranoid Husbands and Reckless Wives: Secrets to a Happy Marriage

  One of the secret benefits of Xanga is the opportunity to look out on the world through someone else's eyes. I've been particularly interested in husbands and wives over the last three years, wondering how I could learn lessons about marriage without actually marrying. (Obviously, women are icky and I wouldn't actually want to marry one. Duh!).

  One big lesson on the husband side is how often a husband has no idea that his wife has stopped loving him. There are small hints, little changes, but overall, most husbands don't realize how far they've fallen. The same wife that was once in honeymoon phase is now quietly cataloging the many ways the husband is messing up. Worse, that husband is in fact messing up more, now that he is comfortable in the marriage and takes her love for granted. It's an inflammatory combination.

  The cure is paranoia. The husband must be constantly worried about losing his wife's affection. Is she a little quiet at dinner today? Buy those flowers, immediately, and make sure to include a handwritten poem today. Did she politely make an excuse for not making love the other night? She's surely already drawing up the divorce papers. BE PARANOID! You never know when you're losing your wife to some silver-tongued screen savant while you lounge around in your dirty boxers. It's clearly the only way to be a good husband.

  And what lessons do I see for the woman? Often, a woman starts retreating from public life the longer she is in the marriage. No, husband, don't go out with the guys. Stay home and make the lawn look nicer. Or just drink here. See, I've made you this lovely dinner. How dare you go out when you have this family to take care of? Similarly, children are encouraged to stay at home, bring friends home, and surely there is some homework you could be doing or organizational function! How could you go and leave the home a mess? STAY IN. Naturally, once the leash gets too tight, the husband's neck snaps. If he's a weak husband, you can commit him to bed and take very good care of him in his depressed state. If he's a strong one, he'll rebel, buy a nice car, and try to hit on chicks half his age minus seven.

  The cure is recklessness. The wife must constantly allow the husband to still feel he is young and wild, even while he is domesticated. Want to go out, honey? SURE! Of course, when he comes back complaining about his back, make him a great breakfast and tell him you can't wait for him to go out again tomorrow night. Now he's confused: there's no rebellion in going out with his friends now. "Why does she want me to go?" In response, he'll stay in. And make sure to still act as if you're 21 at all times. I know, it's hard to pull off the Miley Cyrus haircut, but after a while you'll get used to it. As for the children, go easy on them at all times, and tell them how much you trust them.

  I've added a lot of jokes to my lessons, but honestly, there's some truth to both vices. A woman's desire to protect the home can turn into the very thing that makes the husband hate the home, then her. A lazy husband will quickly cause resentment, and unfortunately a quieter wife may not bring up how bad he is making her feel until it is too late. Am I right?

  • 4:15 pm
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