August 3, 2018
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What You Really, Really Want
Had an odd experience tonight. I've been rethinking my career lately. I remember in the old blog days, I tried to hide what I did. That made sense at the time, but by now most of you know I work as a professor.
The problem I'm running into is the scary thought that maybe I don't want to teach anymore. That the will and desire to do so has left me, perhaps even for several years now, but that I'm so stupidly dutiful, beholden to the past, or stubborn in habit that I haven't confessed it to myself.
I was watching a movie tonight, and the main character admitted that maybe he was going out of business because he didn't really want to do that work anymore. And it resonated with me, to the point that I teared up during this not so serious, not so sad movie.
I am not ready to stop being a professor, yet. I gave five of my best years, 22-27, to chase the dream of being a professor. I went on one (1) real date in 5 years, and yes, some of that was my choice/their choice, but that is how dedicated, how passionate I was to my field. (And I looked a lot better then, heh, although my sense of fashion was...what's the word for worst than abysmal?).
But some dreams must die, and I'm trying to get myself used to the idea now. My career has become a part of me, it's part of my introductions to others. Here's a frightening stat: since I turned 5, I have spent 0 years without going to school, or working for a school. So please, wish me the best, as I try to figure out (sigh) WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT (sings song in head).
Comments (2)
I'm old. I got the SPICE GIRLS reference.
I totally feel what you are saying. I have been burning out at my job too. I drastically reduced hours, but that is not really what I need. I also have been considering a possible change in vocation. I work with children, and it seems the joy is not always there as it was the first many years. I don't know that there is the same respect toward elders (us teachers) anymore, or appreciation by the parents for what we do, and therefore, the self knowledge that I was helping a growing generation had to be, and was, enough...for a time.
If you are more stressed than blessed, then perhaps it is time. Only you can answer that for yourself. Pray and trust in what you feel.
Wishing you all the best, always.
Your never know. Perhaps you will retain this job, but allow yourself other avenues of expression such as writing again, or travel, photography, etc. and that will be enough of an outlet so tha you can maintain.
I've thought about a career change (to education, lol - high school math, most likely) but then I keep thinking "what if I go back to school and spend all this money on it, only to eventually feel that I made the wrong choice again?". But for now I enjoy being in the banking industry and maybe moving around in different departments will keep things new and challenging enough for me to deter me from returning to college.
And I still have yet to go on an actual date - I'm 29 :O
I'll keep you in my prayers for guidance in your career path and future.
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