October 26, 2018

  • Martyr Madness

    This summer, I ran into a bit of a hard time. You know how it is when you're running a certain distance, and then you find out you need to run "just a bit more" right at the point where you thought you could stop? That was me.

    So I found people to support me: a close male friend here, a female friend who just happened to be going through something similar there. And I managed to get through the summer. And I got through that extra mile.

    But I find myself oddly resentful about it all, that I couldn't carry my own burdens, that I couldn't run my own race. There's a certain hidden narcissism in martyrdom, in wanting to sacrifice yourself for a cause or others. There's an odd sense of shame that someone else might want to give themselves for your sins, even if merely in reciprocity. I'm being forced to confront my own weakness at the very point that I thought I could move past such things, and I don't care for it. Humph.