December 2, 2024
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Web Eats World: Church Singles Groups
My church that I've been attending for 3 years randomly had a singles group event. I considered not going, but felt like I lose my right to complain if I don't go, haha. It wasn't bad! But it did get me thinking about how church singles groups seem mostly extinct since the 1990s.
And mind you, there are many good reasons why they died out. They could be awkward fits: 20 year old women and 50 year old men in one group. The groups could take on a social leper vibe, or there could be predators or misconduct going on. I think as time went on, there was a sense that single-specific groups also alienated singles from the rest of the church. And finally, it could feel like a group that no one felt excited about being a part of: a weird consolation prize. I had friends who would constantly make fun of the awkward folks at such gatherings. (We are not friends anymore, which is better for all of us. You'll be shocked to find out that friends who constantly talk badly about other people will do it to their friends as well. Shocker, right?).
But here's the real problem to me. Churches got out of the singles dance and singles group business because it was risky, didn't have much reward, and could be embarrassing. But what can take the place of such groups? Well, at best what happens is the young man or lady gets on e-Harmony, finds the (unvetted, unknown) love of their lives some 4-10 hours away, and moves out of the area for their new love. At worst? Well they simply leave Christianity to broaden their dating pool, or they end up taking wild chances at love since they don't have any normal way to meet hot, err, godly Christian singles in their area.
So if you've read this far, this sounds silly, or you may not have context for it. But here's a graph on how people meet their significant other: https://www.instagram.com/the.world.in.maps/reel/DA-mI14oxyZ/?hl=en the fact is, other institutions like school and groups like friend neworks have also had sharp declines. Online has eaten all its competition: we're all stuck on dating apps meeting unvetted strangers who come with Dark Triad personality quirks that are difficult to weed out until one is over-invested. And the worst part is, we didn't really put up a fight to the online takeover, did we? We just kind of...surrendered, because dating and romance really are awkward and messy.
I don't have a great ending here, just thinking about how online promises to reduce friction and do things in a less messy way, when in reality often the messiness is worse and just outsourced to, say, content moderators in the Philippines or some other shabby arrangement. I may do more in this series, still thinking it over.
Comments (4)
The other day I was talking with a friend and lamenting how people don't know how to be kind to each other anymore. You can't see the body language that goes along with the words that potential matches are sending. You can't infer intent from words on a screen. Everyone wants to move everything online or through text and we're really handicapping our communication. I connected with my current partner at an in-person support group but previous people I'd tried meeting online. The connection has been very different between organic in-person meetings and online starts.
Online dating feels more like a checklist. Does he have a job? A kid? A criminal record? Does he take good photos of himself? Do I find his hobbies interesting?
It's never going to be perfect and you don't really want someone that you share every single thing and thought in common because that will get boring. Do I like Magic the Gathering? No. Did I fault my husband for playing it? Initially yes, but more because I wanted all his time and was REALLY toxic about it. Now, I'd be happy that he has a hobby that he enjoys and can do with other people.
@Mansonschicks: You're right, I think a lot of the small talk is broken in a weird way online. And if one's first instinct to meeting someone online is to check for red flags, hard to be romantic.
Also yay I'm glad you have found a current partner.
Well hello old friend! Remember me???
My 9-year-old daughter was asking me questions about my blogging life and I decided to see if I could still sign into zanga. Amazing! I'm surprised to see you're still blogging here, but glad that you are!
As for your topic on this post, I think that the dating world has expanded to match the rest of commerce. The internet has shortened distance for everyone, allowing us to communicate freely with almost anybody almost anywhere. We are no longer limited to the people within a hundred miles of our city, this can be a really good thing. I think that the church has done a poor job of ministering to singles just like they have done a poor job ministering to pretty much every other demographic as well. If you ask me, things have become too politicized and many congregations have been plagued by consumerism, spiritual abuse, political ideology and a lack of empathy for the troubled soul.
There is also the whole consumerism mindset that drives dating. Why can't we be satisfied with a warm body who holds down a job and goes to church? (Sortof kidding here)
Anyway, it's an intriguing subject!
For the record, I met my husband through the local church in 2008. That church has been pretty much imploded but at the time, there was a large singles group from which several couples were created.
@CcloudsM: I do remember you! It was lovely to meet you in person so many years ago.
I paid to re-open my site so I could post here. I just missed having a place to ramble sometime, haha.
I was part of a Graduates and Professionals group in my late 20s that did produce several healthy couples. I do agree that sometimes we have too high expectations, and the church context can make it worse because we feel God would want us to have "the best." Of course, that "best" isn't going to necessarily match worldly beauty ideals ha.
I think churches struggle to recalibrate: they haven't been able to change their approach, and the things that have changed sometimes have been the wrong things (church too political, etc.). I would agree with you on churches, but it does feel like they somehow have gotten worse at reaching to singles than even 20 years ago.
Anyway, great to have an old friend stop by! Wishing you well, stop by anytime.
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