The US Civil War ended differently than most Civil Wars did historically. In most countries, Appomattox would have been the beginning of a slaughter. The Southern generals and their families would have been rounded up and shot. Prison camps would have opened, and Southerners would have been transported to remote states, exiled. The South would not only not rise again, the North would actively crush and occupy it, for good.

But...Ulysses S. Grant and Abraham Lincoln had decided differently. They decided on a resolution that was based on, dare I say, a Christian mindset. (Yes, before you say it, it wasn't necessarily very "Christian" when Sherman rampaged through the South, but that's a different debate for a different day.) They forgave the South. Robert E Lee was not hung on the spot. For the most part, the Southern soldiers were allowed to return to their homes and even keep their pistols.

It's one of the greatest experiments in history. And until now, there's some evidence that it was the right choice. (Although perhaps we should have had a second Civil War after some of the violent atrocities against black people from 1880's on, again, different debate for a different day). But now, that decision has to be re-examined. Because if the seeds of slavery are strong enough that they are sprouting up again, 150 years later, maybe Lincoln was too merciful. Maybe Grant should have hung Lee from the highest tree. It's an awful thought, but it's on the table now.

So...yes, I think a legacy of Christianity in America is up for debate because of the white supremacy actions of the last few years. And so as an American Christian, I find myself thinking that we must resist anything that looks like the return of slavery's evil. The mercy that was extended at Appomattox was done in hope. But if that mercy leads to evil, then judgment must be applied.

I know that's a little out there, and perhaps odd, but just some thoughts.

I’m a professional regret calculator. If my team won first, I’ll still tell you why we should have won by even more points, with greater style and ease. If my girl is on Cloud 9, I’ll fret and whine that I should have gotten her to Cloud 10. You get the idea. Call me Dr. Regret.

So I find it funny that I seem to want to find a regret in my friendship with Nord. I want to claim there was a flaw, to taste my usual regret sandwich. But the truth is,the friendship was respectful and kind and mutually appreciative and with proper boundaries. It is now at a quiet, cheerful, like each other’s social media content level. No one is disappointed, ashamed, misled, or confused, and nothing was unrequited or unappreciated. The one flaw our friendship had resolved itself in such a way that I feel she also noticed it and worked to fix it with me. That's good!

The truth is, finding a flaw keeps the search alive, tells me there is still some Nirvana or nectar that is yet untasted. Finding regrets can be a problem of an idealist, always wanting to find flaws, to make the future paradise all the more bright. That soup was good, but what if… That vacation would have been fantastic if… If only my mom had…

But no, sometimes a thing is a thing is a thing. And I need to keep the regret monster at bay. It’s trying to kill me**, to rob of me of my peace and sanity.

**Medical stats on worry and anxiety apply here, this isn’t much hyperbole

I've been talking a lot with Brother about our childhood. Our parents tried to raise patient, self-controlled men and somewhat succeeded. But there's a hidden problem with patience and self-control.

Suppose someone sins against you every day. Your employer makes you stay over extra time without paying you, or your spouse constantly demands more from you than they should. At a certain point, one needs to say no, have boundaries, and stand up for themselves. So patience and self-control can backfire, as you take on more and more hardship but can't express your frustration because you are a "good boy."

But also, let's take a slightly more uncomfortable example of self control. If you never fight back, people will start to believe you can't fight. If you never flirt or have a significant other, people believe you have no sexual impulses whatsoever. And if you never complain, people will assume you are happy. That's not necessarily a good thing, sadly.

I've learned to selectively complain, and it's actually made my life better. The pressure of being a 100% good boy, of never complaining about anything, is too much. I'll strive for maybe an A- good boy, ha, 90% good and speaking up just enough to be heard.

I saw a post from a Facebook friend where she made no apologies for her pointed political and social posts lately. I liked that; yes, sometimes we are moved in our hearts and we have to speak, we can't be silent.

But oddly enough, I'm in another place for once. Since about...June 2016? I've been relatively silent about politics and religion. It's not fun. I have a lot of thoughts. I want to share. But I started feeling like it was backfiring, that my words were working against me. The point of posting one's words is not really about oneself; the point is for those who hear. If there is no listener who needs to hear what is in my heart, why am I speaking?

I started writing online in maybe 1997, on some old forums that I fervently hope are fully scrubbed off the Internet, haha. And online writing has mostly been very, very good to me. I meet wonderful people in weird, wonderful ways.

But I don't know, I feel like I need to prove I can be silent, that I need to save my words for the hour of greatest need. Maybe I just need to prove I can be quiet, ha, if necessary. Maybe this is humbling myself, in the good, spiritual way of not being overconfident. I don't know, but I'm trying to enjoy this season of silence, even if I don't understand it fully.

How much do I need to know you before I can trust you? I wonder sometimes, lately, if social media has made us more confident of knowing our neighbors and friends than ever before. After all, you tell me what you are thinking and how you feel. I see you exult after the Celtics win, and post the latest anti-Trump articles from Slate or Gizmodo Media. So I know you, right, I know your type.

But I don't know why you like the Celtics. Were they good when you were a kid? Did your dad or brother take you to games? Do you have an embarrassing crush on Brad Stevens? Do you just like green a lot? I have no idea, really.

There is just so much below the surface when it comes to the social media iceberg. Yet I think I know so much, just because I can see everything above the water. It's silly of me.

Whoops, sorry, lot going on. I'll have some sort of interesting update soon. Who has already been to a baseball game this summer?

With a new president, both sides are quickly trying to give that new president as much or as little credit as possible. (And isn't it sad that I say both sides? That we only have two main parties to express our opinions?)

On the one hand, some are trying to credit Trump with the stock market increase, as if the stock market hadn't also risen by quite a bit during the Obama years.

On the other hand, others are trying to blame Trump for every racist or sexist crime.

There are grains of truth to each viewpoint, yes. But here's the bottom line. As a free American, I have perogative to do what's right. My behavior and choices are on me. I can't say "I'm going to care for the poor less because of who's President" or what not. Leaders matter, but I suppose I'm worried that people are trying to use leaders for excuses. Regardless of whom you voted for, work harder and longer to keep America great. Heh.

I've been thinking lately about the role abortion plays in the voting pattern of the Christian citizen. Several of my Christian friends and acquaintances claimed that abortion was the tipping point that made them select Trump over Clinton. (Trump's enunciation of the pro-life position was woeful at first, but he learned the lingo over time. Sigh.)

So here's the problem: I don't think evangelical Christians will ever win on the abortion issue. When the population is divided somewhat evenly, it's hard to go from 50% to 100%. Look at how difficult it was to eradicate slavery, for example. But as long as the Republicans are the party of anti-abortion, Christians are almost forced to consistently support Republicans, if you believe that abortion is the murder of a God-created, God-given life.

So what if Christians became pragmatic and made a national deal on abortion? Suppose something like this: all abortions in the second trimester are illegal. (Only about 10% of abortions fall in this category). Abortions by women under 18 require parental permission. In exchange, Christians support, say, birth control in sexual education, and vote for parental leave, financial incentives/gifts for newborns, and Head Start for the 3-5 year olds. Don't worry too much about the details; they could be adjusted as needed.

If this compromise was passed, it would annoy everyone. Catholics would complain about the support for birth control; Protestants of certain types would hate the hand-outs for new moms. Pro-abortion supporters would complain about the lack of exceptions, and the enforcement of not permitting, say, 13-weeks of gestation abortions.

But would you be willing to make such a deal, as a Christian? Would you have been willing to support civil unions for gays and lesbians, before marriage was made legal? Or Euthanasia in certain cases if all 3 consulting doctors agreed? You get the idea here. What about a universal income for poor people, de-emphasizing the focus on work or proven unemployment to earn government assistance?

It's difficult, right? You're compromising on the principles of your beliefs. It looks bad. But are these state-by-state battles a mistake, where barely any ground is gained, and lots of energy is wasted? I'm not going to tell you the answer here. I want you to be mad at me, heh.

My mom's ok after her surgery. She has been recovering for weeks, and today was her best day yet. I'm excited for her. She hates not being 100%, because she loves to work and move around. I'm not quite sure how I'm such a couch potato in comparison.

I'm still thinking about her surgery, though. I could feel myself being such a perfectionist about it all. "What would the ideal son do if his mother was sick?" isn't really a good question to ask. Because I'm not ideal, and there's no way I'd do EVERYTHING just right. And yet I kept striving for this ideal of perfect sonship.

Let me put it this way. If I would be a pretty decent son to my mom 364 days a year, then I don't think I would have put so much pressure on myself. You can't go from "average" to "perfect" in one day. There are a lot of things I can do to appreciate my mom now, when she's healthy, daily, rather than something grandiose on a bad day. Perfectionism doesn't have to choke us; it can lead to the small improvements we need to make, daily, regularly instead.

Working on it.

My mom is having a major surgery soon. Your prayers are appreciated.