This will be a short two-minute rant that will make little sense. I've been thinking a lot lately about the type of comments I leave on Xanga now compared to what I used to leave. I used to leave long, thoughtful comments, and often would intentionally challenge the blogger. Now I leave short, encouraging, rather bland comments. Is that bad?

When I first started out, my readers and I were on an intellectual journey. I deliberately sought out the most thoughtful Christians I knew and tried to learn from them and challenge them. I lost a few friendships because I challenged once too often. That was sad.

Then around 2008, I changed my style and started seeing Xanga more as a transition point--a combination between halfway house and confessional. I decided to try to stop giving advice as much and focus more on encouragement, compliments, and reassurance. I felt it was the best thing I could do with my few words, given what people were willing to hear and what they needed.

I think I'm happier with the new style in some ways. There are a lot of dear people who are undergoing temporary struggles right now. I fully believe that they will be better off in a year or two, and in the meantime I do my small part in keeping their heads up. However, the negative side is that playing doctor means you don't see your patient much after they are well.

I still have my critical thoughts and moments. But for the most part, I find that my criticism are better off kept to myself. It really is easier to live this way...to a point. Oh, my obnoxious middle-school self would tell you I've sold out; softened up to keep more friends. But I have to think that this is actually more mature than the old way. Right?

I always seem to return to deciding about truth vs. love in my friendships and romances. Head vs. heart. What is right vs. what feels good, although that oversimplification ignores that what is right one moment can be wrong the next, and our instincts are to be trusted more than our reason at times. But I somehow think that it is a debate worth having: that a head-driven man grows cold and distant, and a heart-driven man is weak and often falls for traps and scams at risk to his health. It's a tricky balance.

Hmm. Just some ranting.

I've previously written about foul-weather friends on this blog. You know how a fair-weather friend is only a good friend when everything is wonderful and you want to party? Well, a foul-weather friend is the amusing opposite--they are best when you are going through times of crisis and need help.

I must admit that for many of my friends, especially here, I am a foul-weather friend. I'm excellent in emotionally stressful situations when I'm not involved, and can do a fairly good therapist how-do-you-feel-think-positive-thoughts two-step in a pinch. However, the problem is, after the storm cloud has passed, how do you have fun again? How do you now relate to each other when no one has a crisis, nothing particularly needs done, and you're just hanging out? I'm a bit of a structure freak, myself. I still remember sitting down with a friend and watching people go by at his college and realizing...I'm not sure I actually did that at my college. I was always on the go, always doing tasks. Relax? What's that? Why in the world would people want to gather at someone's house and just "have fun?" What? No PLANS?! ARE YOU PEOPLE CRAZY!!! heh

Side-rant: I see a lot of people who describe themselves as easy-going. To me, easy-going sounds more like "I have no idea what I want or where I'm going, but just entertain me and I'll love you." I am being sarcastic. My one friend is easy-going, and I love him a lot. But...I just completely disagree that easy-going is a virtue all the time.

So for fun, I'll open this one up to personal analysis. As you should know, the LAST thing a foul-weather friend wants is for other people to help them, or to take advice. (There's a delightfully savage analogy to make that the helpers help to avoid being helped...). Still, how can people who enjoy helping others retain our ability to be good in times of crisis while also being an excellent friend in the quiet, easygoing, and fun times? Is the desire to help in itself a problem, in some ways? Or are we getting burned out on trying to help too many people in too many ways?

I was just thinking back to a new friend I made on Twitter. My first interaction with her was when she scolded a friend of mine and I for the way we were talking about women. At first, I was a little taken aback. I wanted to fight. But then a big smile spread all over my face. I knew I had just met a new friend.

SAY WHAT?!

Yes. I tend to make some of my best Web and real-life friends by fighting with them first. People who fight with me care about things. They have passion, and they aren't afraid to share their opinions. They seem more likely to think. And so, whenever I meet a possible enemy, I keep in mind that with the right turn of events, an enemy could become a friend. I've gotten rather good at it by now, but it still amuses me and makes me laugh when it works. And so my former hater is now one of my best friends on Twitter. Ever have that happen to you?

Still talking about friends. Friendship is so important, and yet we spent so much of our time prattling on about relationships that we forget to try to be a better friend!

My male friends have loved a variety of crazy weirdos and Internet scalawags, err, sweet and soulful ladies. Don't even get me started on HotTwinkieChick1224, haha. But MOST of the time, I found that it was better to trust my friends' judgment. Occasionally there were red flags that worried and concerned me when I heard about her on the phone. But when I met her in person, I found that my friend's delightful taste in choosing friends (ME ME ME) extended to his taste in ladies. It may not have been the woman I would have loved the most, but it is the woman right for him. Why destroy my friendship with my friend over a girl unless I am rather sure she is the wrong one for him?

I would extend the same thought to most people on Xanga. Ladies, you may find that I am a bigger fan of your boyfriend or husband than you are, haha. Why? Many, many times, as an outsider, I see that the frustrations and fights are more about misunderstandings and poor communications rather than that the person you are dating is truly bad. I hate it when I see some Internet would-be loverboy trying to convince a girl how bad her boyfriend is...just so he can try to date her instead. (I see this a little too often on Xanga...). Be aware that your friends may sadly have ulterior motives.

If you detect a clear negative change in your friend due to the relationship, then it may indeed be time to step in and say something. If you see obvious red flags (cheating, abuse, controlling, unwilling to compromise) then you should step in. But otherwise? I think overall, more of us need to stop meddling rather than meddle more. Thoughts?

I was thinking about the many odd ways I've met friends. I've met an amusingly large number of my friends by arguing with them or starting a debate. But one of my favorite stories is the pie story. I had moved into a new city for graduate school. I met this grad student in my apartment--he had dark circles under his eyes, and was stressed and sarcastic. I had with me some pie that my mom had sent with me (best mom ever? best mom ever!) with instructions to share with the kids at school (most awkward mom ever? most...jk). I didn't WANT to share the pie, but I realized I couldn't finish it myself, so I reluctantly, rather shamefacedly knocked on his apartment door. It was about 9:30 PM, haha, which made it even more awkward. Anyway, to make a long story short, he trusted me not to poison him (SUCKA!) and he is one of my best friends today. So obey your mom, get friends.WHO KNEW?!

Tell me your funny stories on how you made friends, please.

I've decided to do a series on friendship. We start with an intentionally provocative topic that I think is particularly good to talk about on Web 2.0, where normal boundaries often get blurred...

This fall I've been reminiscing about the simplicity of my middle school and high school friendships. I had the guys in my class, my brothers, and two older female friends who I never thought of dating. However, as I've grown older, I see just how complicated friendship can be when there exists the potential that one friend is hiding their true romantic feelings.

Take for example the following three scenarios:
You are single and actively dating. A married person of the opposite gender, around your age, is your friend at work. You get along well and eat lunch at the same table. They ask you to be their friend on Facebook. "This way we can get to chat back and forth all day long at work too! It'll be a lot of fun."

You are younger and at your first job. Your co-worker is about 15 years older, single, of the opposite gender. He/She is very friendly and helpful to you. "Hey, I heard you like the Buckeyes" they say to you. "Why don't you come over to my house and we can watch the game together?"

You made a friend from Xanga, opposite gender, who lives in another country. This country is far enough away that you don't think you will ever visit them. They are really excited about wanting to talk to you on Skype. "You're always on late, and it works perfect with my time zone! Let's do this every night!"

None of the three people is a bad friend. But, it's possible that each person may have some sort of crush on you, and you are not likely to return that crush. The question is, is it fair for you to set boundaries and say "Married/older/far away people can only get this close to me?" Or do you see that as stereotyping, and let each person go as far as they can until they prove themselves untrustworthy or to have intentions that are more than just friendship? I'm curious what you all think.