So a few days ago, a mom posted a somewhat over-the-top missive to teenage girls about their selfies on the Internet. In it, the mother talked about how those sexy teen girl selfies were bad for her teen sons to see, and what a problem it was. Blogfriend Ali also weighed in on this in a blog titled "Maybe I don't care if you imagine me naked."

By the way, I found her blog title a bit amusing because I tend to imagine Ali dancing in the kitchen while cooking. (This is because, of course, Ali has mentioned doing so on several occasions. No, I don't have a cooking fetish. Well, ok, I do, but only when it comes to Mediterranean foods. Oh dear, digging hole deeper, let's move on.)

But! All that said. I think there is an untold story in all this. What happens to a guy when a platonic female friend starts posting sexier photos and acting more like a sexual being? And yes, believe it or not, many of us guys do NOT have secret feelings for every one of our female friends. Once in a while, we befriend a woman for purely friendship reasons. I'm also thinking specifically about the teen years, where some peers go through puberty much earlier than others. I was going to entertain you with tales from my monastic past, heh, but it'd be too awkward for words.

Side note: obviously, sometimes I'm the friend of a woman who I think is quite attractive. In that case, her posting more sexual content is a much different dilemma than what I am about to describe. Jokes about fat man in a bakery go here.

Honestly, it's a difficult situation. Let me ramp up the controversy; I've also been through this on Xanga a few times, heh. And each time, it's a lose lose situation. What are the options of a platonic friend (and by that, I mean you have no sexual interest in her) when your quiet, angsty writer friend suddenly becomes a video vixen? (or photographic pinup, if you prefer pictoral alliteration).

When she posts a photo of her seductively posing in front of her bookcase, you're the one saying "Oh, I see you finally picked up the Twain book!" while everyone else is all "GURL DEM CURVES ARE CURVETACULAR." If you're lucky, you don't have some guy who doesn't know you calling you gay because you aren't hitting on her. You're the one asking her to post more pictures of her pet cat, while they're the ones asking her to post more pictures of her, uh, other cat.

You fight to try to pretend that nothing has happened, but you're not allowed by others, let alone her. If you message her to talk about books the way you have for the last 6 weeks, she's suddenly guarded and weird. You wonder why, and then you realize she's had to put up with every last man she knows on Facebook emerging out of the shadows and relentlessly hitting on her due to her last few photos. You too are caught up in the wave of distrust, and your formerly eager, chill friend now is caught up in her new status.

I've at times been the platonic friend or acquaintance of a beautiful woman, and what perhaps also annoyed me most was the reaction of men. Obviously all they wanted to talk about was how hot Susan was, or how envious they were that I knew her. It made me uncomfortable, because to me, Susan was just a friend, and as such I spent precious little time considering her curves. To try to change the conversation to Susan's non-sexual qualities was next to useless.
Me: "Yeah, but Susan snores like a freight train."
Them: "Wait, you've been around Susan when she was sleeping? THAT'S HOT BRO WHAT WAS SHE WEARING TELL ME."
I just find myself nodding my head at their panting and trying to change the subject to sports or something.

In the cruelest twist, I find myself in an impossible situation, friendwise. By the standards of platonic friendship, I was doing pretty well. I offered a reliable source of conversation, some intellectual banter, maybe a smile or two. But now, I get compared to the men who appear on the scene to flatter and seduce her. Bill over there just sent her a selfie of his six-pack; Hassan just wrote her a love poem comparing her eyes to the purest waters of the Arctic; and Joe is telling her to come for a ride in his convertible. Meanwhile, I'm the dork sending her a link to the latest news story on the Middle East, asking her what she thinks of the Arab Spring. Mind you, I get why I lose, but I don't have to like it.

I never, ever mind losing to a boyfriend, someone who genuinely wants to build a complete future with her. But having to put up with 50 Shades of Pickup Artists burns me. And yet if I point out that Hassan stole half that poem from Tumblr, I'm now being jealous or what not. The competition creates feelings of resentment, as if my offer of platonic friendship was accepted merely out of her lack of being able to get anything better. I didn't sign up for the competition for her body, so why am I being included in the pack? I can't wait to hear your "You talk to me a lot, but you never hit on me like the other guys do, why is that?" speech. Because I've never ever heard that before, thanks. Go take your mirror you use for selfies and take a good look into your eyes and consider that maybe you're not as universally hot as you've been told by simpering sycophants.

So what's a bemused eunuch to do in sexyland? Do I now have to show sexual interest in order to maintain a friendship? (Don't laugh, it's true!) Am I stuck abandoning my friends as they actualize their sexuality...thus leaving them at the mercy of the most hormonal of men, right when they perhaps need a friendly man the most in their lives? Must I grit my teeth as I read the poorest of pickup lines delivered by the simplest minds underneath each new photo? And heaven forbid that I suggest Susan may be making a mistake by tagging her Instagram photo #sexysingle; but you idiot, what kind of person do you think searches Instagram for those tags?

To conclude, have you ever been around the type of men who troll the Internet for sexy ladies? Have you been to the forums where they post your pics, comment on them, and try to plan how to break you down, passing around your # and screen name? Ever walk on the basketball court while guys exchange information on your weaknesses and sexual history, turning you into an easy commodity to be passed from bored guy to bored guy until you lose all value to all but the weakest link of the pack? Bemused eunuchs have been there to watch the sausage get made. But hey, no one listens to the guy with no balls. So I'll remain the bemused friend of a bevy of beauties while watching the cycle endlessly repeat itself. Go on, enjoy the attention. I'm still reading the Twain book like a no-balls balla.

So there was a little faux outrage this year about pre-teen and teen girls making "Am I pretty or not" videos on Youtube. Some of this was good outrage. Such videos unfortunately give creeps a lot of encouragement. But some of this was wrong, because let's face it, Xanga: Prettiness is Power.

Being trained in Economics (among other things), I tend to use many of the constructs of that field in making my decisions. I tend to have a sharp eye for risk, and thus often settle for the safer choice. Choose the cheaper in-state school over the private school: choose the steady job over the uncertain contract.

My friendships and romantic relationships also exhibit similar thinking at times. After all, aren't we told to befriend that person who is standing alone? And Christian guys, how often have you heard "Stop being so picky waiting for Miss Perfect and date so-and-so. She's nice!" So then, why not date someone a little beneath you: maybe they are interesting but rather unattractive, or rather boring but cute. It's kind of you! It shows open-minded thinking! They could be a diamond in the rough, just needing a chance and...

But hold up, before we go too far. The problem is twofold. First, you don't necessarily put your full effort into the safe choice. Sure, one might want to get a degree from State U, but if it was a degree from Yale, you'd be even more excited. Sure, one might want to get married, but if the woman you are pursuing is a beauty queen, all the more enthusiasm, right?

But even worse is the tragicomic moment where you are rejected by your safer choice, the fox in the henhouse stuck scrabbling in the straw after eggs because it's too slow to catch even the fattest hen. That boring girl who you tried to amuse at a series of increasingly bland lunches tells you that it isn't working out. That safe job lets you go because you aren't as gung-ho about wearing your flair as the other corporate drones. Do you know how much it burns to fail at mediocrity? I want to scream "I WAS SLUMMING, YOU BLAND BORE, THIS WAS AN ACT OF CHARITY" but of course, sour grapes cause acid reflux when you vomit them out of your mouth at the mediocre. At least when you fail at a noble cause, you can console yourself that "Well, that one time Miss America laughed at my jokes and seemed intrigued" or "Hey, plenty of kids fail out of Harvard, I'll just go to that state school." When you fail at mediocrity, that makes you below mediocre, and you are left to shake your head and wonder why you didn't aim a little higher. Fine, the homeless don't like your soup, and there you are, in your drab volunteer apron, realizing the thirsty sailor won't even buy beer off you. Makes one want to take a baseball bat and roam the countryside breaking splinter on splinter until finally the bat shatters and you're left with nothing in your hands but a broken nub.

We had an interesting moment in the public arena a few weeks ago. Rush Limbaugh called a girl a name, and people were upset. All labels are rude and improper, and we should be more polite, right? Don't use words like SLUT. Keep it classy. We are all good people and deserve better, right? Labels are baaaaaad. And yes, running around sticking post-it notes with names on people's backs is a recipe for disaster. One might even say Jesus himself was against name calling (see Matthew 5:21-22). But, in the middle of all this head-shaking, I feel like we're going too far and saying that behavior-based labels themselves are lies. Some want to say that there are no SLUTS, ALCOHOLICS, or ADDICTS. These are just bad words that society uses to blame individuals for their choices. We're all just good people trying to do good things, lalala, no one's ever wrong, no one's ever mistaken...

But frankly, in the midst of all this politeness and finger-wagging, THIEF, we forget what behavior-based labels are for. We forget that sometimes we need to look at ourselves in the mirror and smack ourselves in the face with STUPID. By trying to declare that behavior-based labels are bad, we try to avoid any kind of accurate judgment of our actions that hurt one another, RACIST, or destroy ourselves, ADDICT. Those words bear a stigma because they should, IDIOT. Denying our status as members of a community, where we do indeed succeed or fail based on the actions of other members of the community, is futile, SELF-CENTERED FOOL. So look, sneaky ADULTERER, instead of always fighting the label, fight the action, ABUSER. I worry, SINNER, that at the end of the day we are trying to excuse away all manner of harmful, abusive, and cruel behavior by legislating the labels away, as if that helps the people we hurt, MANWHORE. Don't dodge the labels, dodge the crime, PERVERT. Get it?

Just because I've been well-behaved lately, I'm jumping on a Xanga trend that drives me insane. Every so often on here, someone will insult or criticize a top Xanga blogger. Immediately, all the top Xangan's friends rush to defend him/her, and the consensus is that the critic is jealous of the Xangan's fame. So we essentially just have a mob scene where everyone assumes the hater is jealous, lots of screaming takes place, and then we move on.

A few points about this silly scenario, because I get quite tired of watching this re-run drama. Blatantly personal attacks are not right, but let's not forget that people have free-speech rights too. Not everyone who criticizes another Xangan does it because they are jealous. Some just have different opinions, and got banned or ignored when they tried to leave a comment on a post to discuss this. There's nothing wrong with writing a post about another Xangan that is not 100% positive, although this should be done sparingly.

Also...being a well-known Xangan blogger means that people write nasty stuff about you, ok? For example, some people wrote deeply personal, critical posts about me this last year or two. Did you know about it? No, and that's the way I liked it. Quite honestly, they made some correct points about me, and we settled it by message rather than by recommends and saintly comments about how I was right and the other person was wrong. Don't be dragging fans into the argument so they can tell the other person about how Mother Teresa thought you were a saint or hurt the other person's feelings.

Aside; most top Xanga bloggers have 90% positive stuff said about them. Good luck finding that ratio ANYWHERE else on the Internet or in real life. During the relatively brief time I was mildly popular, I was amused at how many people said nice things even when I wrote a blog that was absolutely ridiculous. There are some very kind souls on this site.

Look. Handling one's beef with someone else via blogs is a bit shameful. Usually I try to send messages or what not rather than post in public. But if I feel that a popular post or blogger is stupid, harmful, or blocks other views from being heard, you will hear about it on this blog. There is indeed a time and a place to write posts about other people's blogs, and there's nothing wrong with it when you have good points to make. It won't help you to call the other person jealous (I had no idea we were still in middle school...), or recommend/link to the post so your friends can defend you. If the person made reasonable arguments, come up with reasonable counterpoints and discuss it properly, or just slink away.