Just to conclude the mini-series on types (unless I get my 1000 word male manifesto done before tonight :-p), I have some bad news for you. Whatever type you think you have is probably wrong. It's just that most of us don't think deeply enough about what we like. Or we want to please our friends and family, so our list has a few entries that make no sense.

For example, many of us say we want to marry someone "nice" that "treats us well". But what do we really mean by that? Is your idea of nice someone who is extremely loyal? Someone who is very courteous? Someone who just doesn't cheat on you? Sometimes we need to dig a lot deeper--very loud and obnoxious people, for example, can also be very loyal. So that's why you may find yourself drawn to that type.

Or, our concept of the opposite gender is limited by the men/women we've met. For example, I believe I met one Asian woman close to my age before I turned 18. As you can guess, my opinion of them was heavily consistent on that one person. Or, we over-rate people we've seen in movies/music, not realizing that living with them might be miserable. I remember when I met a woman similar to an Internet friend of mine in real life--say bye-bye to attraction! haha. I realized I really didn't like that type for long periods of time.

So what should you do? Well, try to be as honest as possible with yourself about who you've been attracted to in the past, and why. Was it because of holes in your own heart? If so, that might be a bad thing--you're looking more for a Mr. Fix-it than someone to complete you. Or, did you let society tell you who you should and shouldn't like? For example, tall women and short men are often severely under-rated--there are many beautiful people in both categories. Look past the labels of body types, styles, and careers you're supposed to like, and you might find a diamond in the rough, as it were.

Anyway, happy Valentine's Day to everyone. I am relatively pleased, because I spent it getting physical!...by playing basketball with other guys, ha. Go do something interesting, even if you don't have a significant other! And smile and share some love with those who have none.

Another way you can cast actors and actresses is that rather than writing a role to match a specific actress, you instead write a description of your ideal actor/actress for the role and send it out to various casting agencies. They then help you find people that might fit that role.

If one is trying to find their ideal boyfriend/girlfriend, should one put together a list of attributes that you would like your significant other to have? On the one hand, this makes looking much easier. And it's very important to find someone that you can be truly attracted to. Sometimes we become infatuated with someone who just has a few of the qualities we look for. Being able to take a more complete view of the person might save us from such mistakes.

However, the problem with a list is that we may be fickle or arbitrary. Do we really know what we want? And how important are some of our likes/dislikes? I'll toss out just one of my preferences for your enjoyment and criticism, ha. All other things equal, I prefer tall women to short women. I'm about six feet tall, and so I like it when I can look a date eye-to-eye with bending my head a little. Now, if I put that on my list of must-haves--isn't that rather mean or short-sighted (tall-sighted? ha) to leave off short girls? And might I miss the girl of my dreams just because she's height-challenged? Lists can help, but they can also bind us in certain patterns.

All right, one more short post and I'll complete my mini-casting series. Then maybe one big Valentine's Day post to finish off my ranting for the year. I will then avoid all romantic topics for a while.

When I was in high school, I somehow ended up in a high school drama class. I kind of wonder what I was thinking now. I must have had zero options; I have trouble beating your local JCPenney mannequin in the ability to show emotions consistent with an acting character. Mercifully, my acting teacher just type-cast me as much as possible. Type-casting means that you are called upon to play a character who resembles your real-life self. So if the play called for a tall, wooden, serious character, I was it!

But nowadays, I'm starting to think that type-casting is a good idea. It's easy for people to understand who you are if you fit a jock, nerd, or geek category easily, and I think it makes you more approachable. For someone like myself, who kind of is a mash-up of nerd, athlete, and Internet geek, I think it makes it harder for people to understand who I am and what my personality is. (Add to this the fact that I'm not quite an extrovert or introvert, and people further misunderstand my style). So maybe I should just focus on some of my passions intensely instead of spreading myself so thin. Instead of playing basketball once a week and going to one intellectual lecture a week, maybe play basketball twice a week so I can get to know the people there better.

What do you think? Oh, there are some great reasons not to type-cast yourself, and I'll let you tell me what they are. But on the other hand, I feel annoyed that I seem to be all over the place--it leaves me compartmentalized and somewhat misunderstood.

For whatever reason, there seems to be a fair amount of debate in blogs that ladies write about so called "nice guys", the "average joe", and "bad boys". These labels are thrown about without people seemingly taking a moment to think about what those labels actually mean. I thought it would be good to write a bit about this to help some of my lady friends better understand those categories. So this post is for the ladies (NO, not all my posts are for the ladies, I heard that snide comment! haha). Here is a quick definition, although I've seen people assign a lot of definitions to both categories:

Nice guy--someone known to be pleasant to women and to everyone, relatively kind and easy-going. May be rather quiet, or may be not that well-known. However, there are plenty of extroverted nice guys too.

Bad boy--someone known to be more aggressive and assertive, may have trouble with authority figures. May be rather loud and brash in his actions, what he says, and the way he interacts with authorities; but there are plenty of quiet bad boys too.

It's sloppy, but those definitions will do for the moment. Anyway, I get annoyed when I hear women say they like "nice guys" or "bad boys" as a category. I think that women need to be more careful than that when understanding the category. Forget what category they fall into (and any list that has only two categories is pretty dumb), WHY are they in that category?

Let's take bad boys first. Some men are naturally aggressive, and tend to act first and ask questions later. However, they are this way because of their passion for what they think is important. And if their list of "what is important" includes things like standing up for their friends, arguing for what is right, and making sure to make the best of every moment, YES! by all means that's a bad boy worth liking. Sure, you may need to occasionally ask your bad boy to calm down or walk away, but I've known a few hyperactive guys who cut out their slightly destructive behaviors once they had a girlfriend who loved and appreciated them. Sometimes the guy is not truly as bad as he seems--he's just a little restless or going through a phase. Or, he just needs to find meaning in life, and if you can give that to him, all that passion goes towards productive things.

On the other hand, if your bad boy is that way because of his anger problem, or because he is a narcissist who desires to dominate all other sub-humans, you are crazy for liking him. Some bad boys have been mistreated before, and are now out for blood, while others have lived a privileged life and think they are owed everything. If you stick with such a man, he will leave you bruised and battered, cynically believing that all men are animals. I don't have much pity for you if you think that your love can fix his 18+ years of being a self-centered monster. And that funny sense of humor may not be because he likes having fun--it may be because he is so bitter about his life, he can't stop mocking everyone.

What about nice guys? Some guys just are really laid-back and easy-going. Yes, they are passionate about some things, but you have to encourage them to talk to find out what it is. However, just like for women, sometimes the quietest are the sweetest and most interesting. Also, some passionate guys can also be very nice...but when something happens that they think is worth fighting for, they are as aggressive and passionate as any bad boy. A gentleman in the street, perhaps, but that does not mean he will be weak when it matters. And there can be something very refreshing about someone who is slow to anger and quick to forgive. As long as this does not stem from weakness, who doesn't want a patient partner?

On the other hand, nice guys can often be that way out of fear--fear of authority, fear of growing up, fear of even the opposite gender. If he's nice to you because he's afraid that telling you the truth will make you leave, then you're in trouble. I hope you enjoy the many years of him sitting on the couch reading his paper and muttering "yes dear" "sorry dear", because that's what you're in for. Also, quite a few so-called "nice guys" can conceal a very nasty streak when they think that no one's watching. I don't care how nice you think he is; given anonymity or the chance that no one might find out, he may cruelly out-do any bad boy you know. You haven't heard him in the locker room telling the guys what he'd really do if he had a chance; I have.

Ah, as usual, I've been properly bipolar in my post! But I hope this helped you a little bit. Don't fall in love with a category by itself--keep your eyes open and find out why the person is that way. If you do this wisely, you may find yourself an absolutely wonderful man that would have been easy to write-off at first as a one-dimensional joker or softie.

EDIT: The top 3 peeve comments were very difficult to choose. Many of you were eloquent or expressed similar thoughts. But I finally narrowed it down.
Honorable mention: AThousandTimesIveFailed reminding me of one of my biggest failings. Sorry, some of you are just too pretty for me to look at directly. "Pet peeve... anybody (especially guys) not looking directly at me while talking.  However, it's one of my own bad habits, so .. don't really have a right to be annoyed by it... "

#3: Another_Rebel_Without_a_Cause bringing the truth and some great metaphors "When they lead you on. You're having a great time, conversation is sparking, and there seems to be a real connection. Then the cup is dashed from your lips. The flame is snuffed a-borning. It's quite a bitter pill to take."

Still, after being overwhelmed by your response on my last post (thank you, you all are much too kind), I wanted to write another one quickly. In just a few words, what is one of your pet peeves about dating? Here's just one of mine, and then you too can comment and share yours. I will take the best three peeves from the comment section and add them to this post. If you do not want your comment to be published in the post, just put "do not publish" or something at the beginning.

My biggest peeve lately is when the lady cannot hold up her end of the conversation on the first date. After all, I took a risk and asked her on the date, and I am most likely paying for the date. I don't believe it's too much to ask that the lady be able to ask me some sensible or fun questions about myself on the date. Yet it seems that I must not only pay for the entertainment, but be the entertainment. Seriously, ladies, I thought you were supposed to be the talented ones at communication? If the date is going poorly, then stick it to me after the date--don't make me talk for both of us while my fries are getting cold (did I say fries? I meant fine Italian cuisine! hee-hee). It only prolongs the agony for both of us. I'd almost rather you'd scream "You bore me!" and run for the door!

So what's your pet peeve? And believe it or not, I think this is a healthy conversation to have. I think many of us may learn a good lesson from reading the comment section. (Guys, make sure to comment too, I'm sure the ladies would like to learn more about what annoys men. If there aren't enough guy comments, I'll post more of mine in the comment section to even things out)

One of the saddest stories I've ever read is in the first 50 pages of "A Long and Fatal Love Chase" by Louisa May Alcott (review here, can see some pages on Google Books). In it, the heroine Rosamond lives alone on an island with her grouchy, unloving grandfather. She is smart, beautiful, and spirited, but she never has heard anyone tell her so. One day, a man named Philip Tempest visits her grandfather. He realizes her beauty, but in a cold, calculating way that fails to truly respect her at first. They eventually marry, then she finds out a dark secret about him and flees. He then stalks her for the rest of the book, a chilling, modern take that I didn't really care for.

But it's those first pages that made me feel sad. I felt like screaming "Rosamond, you're a dream, and here you are falling for the first man you've ever met just because he gives you the first compliments. Why do you need his compliments? Don't you realize how cool you are? You know he lacks class, and yet because he appreciates you on some level, you're giving him the time of day. Girl, look in a mirror! Listen to yourself talk! Be patient!" It's just because she was so sheltered that she didn't know better, right? I'm sure if she had met more men, she would have been better able to discern between a good man and a bad man. Clearly someone that talented wouldn't make that mistake in today's world!

However, I've realized in the last year that Rosamond is sadly no exception to the rule. Too many women (and men) go through life thinking that they are not beautiful just because no one has told them so. Then, at the first sign of someone paying attention or being complimentary, they give in and follow that person wherever they go. It's so sad! I mean, can't you just look in the mirror? Listen to yourself? See how you make the people around you happy with your sense of humor? your kindness? your optimism?

You're beautiful, ok? Some of you more than others, admittedly, but I have to say that nearly every reader of mine has something beautiful about them. (Else I wouldn't read your blogs if you were boring, ha.) Please don't be so vulnerable that you latch onto the first person to say it out loud. Please see yourself as someone of value--no, not as some sort of god or goddess, but yes, as someone who has much to offer and in return should be offered something of value for their heart, body, and/or mind. Don't make the mistake that Rosamond did.

I do feel quite strongly about this topic, and actually had to tone down my rhetoric a little. Amusingly, it's my rational, economic side that fuels my passion on this topic. I hate seeing valuable items being sold for a song (or for a dozen roses, or for a meal at the Olive Garden--you get the idea ). Even if the market isn't perfectly efficient in your particular locale, I believe that it will eventually become efficient for most, if they don't sell themselves off too quickly. Yes, the "Economics of Love", GreekPhysique style, is coming to a bookstore near you! haha.

EDIT: Yesterday, I asked SecretNeverTold to do a male version of this list. Read it here. I love #3 and #5, btw, and how in the world did I forget the cute, adventurous Anne of Green Gables? (hangs head in shame).

I love to read books, and as such, I often find descriptions of female characters that make me wish those ladies were real. So I decided to make a top 5 list of my crushes from literature. Now, I should note that my entries are slanted towards classy, famous literature--you're not going to find Wonderwoman here, nor the heroine of "Midnight Serenade in the Gazebo"-type romance novels.

1. Jo, Little Women. I loved the physical description of Jo in the Little Women book (no, I won't tell you what I like, look it up! ha). Jo's adventurous nature and mischief always amused me, and the way she turned down Laurie even though she loved him so much was amazing. Oh, and the scene where she's crying when she's with the professor is also adorable.

2. Eowyn, The Fellowship of the Rings. A woman in distress who rescues herself? You can see the years of desperation that Eowyn went through while her father was led astray by Wormtongue, and her desire for a hero. Then, in the end, she steps up and becomes a heroine herself. She's a warrior herself, which is also attractive. Add to the equation my appreciation for Faramir as the over-worked younger brother, and they may be one of my favorite couples in literature (Faramir and Eowyn).

3. Eilonwy, Prydain Chronicles. She changes emotions every two seconds and gives poor Taran, the hero of the books, a terrible time. She's always teasing him and being difficult to understand. But she also loves him and has a hilarious, lovely attitude that makes me laugh. It's ok if a woman takes you through a rollercoaster of experiences if she's the right one.

4. Prue Sarn, Precious Bane. This book is a little more obscure. Prue has a "hare-lip" (what appears to be a cleft palate) and thinks she cannot marry anyone. She spends her time working hard on the farm and helping others with their dreams. But she falls in love with the weaver and eventually, he reciprocates her love and convinces her that she is lovable and rescues her. Just a beautiful story in that there's tragedy throughout the whole book, but all of a sudden the ending is happy.

5. Hester Prynne, The Scarlet Letter. Ok, we'd have to figure out custody issues for her daughter first, ha. But Hester's ability to rise above her shaming and the ignorance of the men in her life is incredibly attractive. She lives for hope and truth when she could easily despair. There's something about that force of character that just leaves me hoping to someday know and love a woman with that attitude.

Also receiving votes: Elizabeth Bennett, Jane Eyre, O. Henry's shop girls, Nellie from Little House on the Prairie, The White Witch from Narnia (LOL I know Amy will mock that one), Achren.

So who are your top 5?

Why are you single? Take 1.

It’s the summer of 2007, a fifteen-hour car ride with my best friend, and we get around to talking about girls. Ok, who am I kidding? We always talk about girls at some point, but today talking isn’t good enough. He asks me why I haven’t asked so-and-so out, why I’m not dating anyone. I try to reply, but he’s relentless. Things get a little heated. I get so mad I punch his dashboard, and it might have been him had he not been driving. Why am I single?! Might as well ask me why Rob Schneider still gets movie roles or why women go to the restroom in packs! I have no idea, ok? None! Come on, man, you’re supposed to be my friend!

Why are you single? Take 2.

It’s later in 2007, a long meeting with my boss, and she asks me personal questions for once, including THAT question. I stammer out some answer about wanting to date someone who shares my culture and beliefs. She gives me “the look” that only authority figures can deliver. “You’re being too picky” she says, and I nod my way through her brief lecture. We get back to business.

Why are you single? Take 3.

It’s near Christmas, 2008, and my mom is being a mom. Ever since I started my job, I can’t hide behind the crutch of school to answer that question. I decide to actually answer the question for once. So I sit down and tell her (mostly) everything—the attempts that bombed in 2008 and the attempts I’m making in 2009. She listens to it all, mostly without interrupting, and she makes some good comments. Oh, she’ll still ask again. But I feel better for having explained that yes, I am trying on occasion, I’m just incompetent.

Why are you single? Take 4.

It’s 2009, and two different Internet strangers ask me that question in the same week or so. I’m initially taken aback, but by now I’ve learned not to take the question as a threat, or as an insult. Yes, I am single. No, it’s not because every woman in the world is blind and fails to recognize how wonderful I am. I know why I’m single now. I know what I can control and can’t control. I know a little better what I should compromise on, and what values are important to me. Yes, I’m single, and yes, it’s frustrating at times. But I also know not to judge my worth as a person by how many contacts I have in my phonebook. So sure, buy me another dating book, offer to introduce me to a friend of a friend, tell me that I’m a nice guy—it’s kind of you. I think I can answer the question now without needing to justify myself or taking it the wrong way.

Why are you single? Take 5.

I’m single for many reasons, some of them out of my control, some of them not, some of them good, some of the m bad. But I’m also single because, as corny as it sounds, I truly believe that I’m learning quite a lot by being single. I won’t deify my bachelorhood, or my future wife, or any state in between. I just need to bloom where I’m planted, be willing to learn from wiser people and books than myself, and I think I’ll be just fine. Will I still try to date and fail, generating hilarious misadventures? Sure! But hey, at least it makes for some amusing stories, once my pride recovers.

There's a fun post up by AirForceVirgin asking people to send in their crushes to her, and she'll report if there's a match between two people. It's rather harmless overall, and I was tempted to toss in half my sub list just to figure out who chose me, ha. But it spurred a larger question in me.

If you have a Xanga crush (or any crush, really), should one feed it or fight it? And let me first preface that I'm talking about crushes on eligible, somewhat normal people. (I have a foolproof method for stopping the potential start of a crush on someone who's already taken--it involves rocking back and forth in my chair and repeating "SHE'S TAKEN, YOU IDIOT, STOP CRUSHING!", while mixing in a few slaps on the forehead. Once my throat gets sore or my head hurts, the crush usually goes away. I should apply for a patent on it. :-p). Ha, but seriously, what to do?

On the one hand, crushes are completely irrational. No real-life couple continues crushing on each other for their whole lives. They are based on unrealistic images of the other person, and this is especially terrible on the Internet, where you can't see the whole person as well. Worse, it's distracting from work and from one's real work. And the aftermath of a failed crush can be devastating and painful.

But on the other hand...sometimes, even after a crush is fed all the logic and realism it can handle, it still survives. Sometimes an initial crush really is love, and is based on true feelings for the person. Yes, the more intense crushes burn out quickly at times, but if we never had crushes, it would be a lot harder to be romantically brave. (One can fall in love without a crush, of course--i.e. falling in love with a long-time friend). Why not learn as much as you can about the other person, and if the crush keeps building, maybe it's real?

So what's the right move? Do you fight your crushes down to more manageable levels of affection as a matter of principle? Let them burn out? Or actually feed the crush by contacting the other person a lot, getting to know them better, and then seeing if the infatuation turns into true attraction?

I know what women like.

I know that women like to be affirmed. That they like kind words about their future and tastefully flirty comments about their appearance.

I know that women love beauty. That if they are surrounded by beautiful things, people, and accessories, they feel beautiful.

I know that women want to be protected. That telling obnoxious guys to leave them alone or holding their hand during a scary movie makes them feel like they can have adventures without fear.

I know that women enjoy being served. That doing so-called "women's work" just to show them that you're willing to meet them more than half-way helps them trust you.

I know that women love to laugh. That if you can get a stressed woman to smile, it feels like the sun is shining indoors.

I know that women appreciate a good voice and a loving touch. That sometimes just a little hug or reassuring squeeze of the arm helps them relax and feel appreciated.

I know that women communicate the way men breathe. That a clever man knows how to rapidly change gears from exchanges of facts to discussion of emotions to moments of humor to talk about the future to non-verbal communication, and that to be able to connect across the gender divide like this is not as hard as we think.

I know that the problem often isn't that men don't understand women, or that women don't understand men.
I know it's easier to pretend that the opposite gender is weird or irrational rather than accepting them for who they are.
I know the real problem is that we aren't willing to sacrifice for the sake of love.
That we are too afraid that we won't get what we want, and so we don't give others what they need.
That all the self-help books in the world won't help us if it's merely a question of follow-through, not of knowledge.
That until we truly decide to love and respect someone even if it means getting nothing in return, and love and respect without resentment, all that knowledge does nothing to help us find love.