Sex

  • Paul Gone Wild: Permanent Celibacy in an Age of Prostitution?

    The Apostle Paul comes in for a fair amount of condemnation by modern readers. Among other things, he's seen as harsh and anti-woman (search for "Paul Misogynist" and you'll see several articles). His odd stance in I Corinthians 7 about celibacy doesn't help matters. But is there really an acceptable case for celibacy? Mind you, celibacy is not just being single, but abstention from sexual practice of any kind and of looking for a spouse.

    For previous parts of this series on Marriage and Casual Sex, click links.

    Paul's pro-celibacy message comes as a surprise. I can just imagine the gasps in Corinth on reading this letter. Ok, fine, no sex with prostitutes...have sex with your spouse often instead...I guess that could work but...wait, what?

    "I wish that all of you were as I am [single]. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that."

    Paul, how can you want us all to be single and sexless for life? Really, Paul, I'm going to survive in Corinth on Two-for-One Temple Treat Thursday? Paul, have you SEEN those new barbarian prostitutes with the light skin and bright eyes they just brought in from Gaul? And now you say...no sex at all?

    There's another intriguing footnote to this section. Paul expressly says "God did not tell me to say this. This is my opinion." In other words, Paul is pro-celibacy to a fault, and to some extent, this passage isn't even Scripture. In fact, some sources say that for the Jews of that time, "...marriage was a duty, to the extent that a man reaching 20years of age without having been married was considered to have sinned." But, if Paul thinks that much of celibacy, let's see why he has such a bias. Note, though, that he does refer to celibacy as a "gift from God;" in other words, not everyone can achieve it.

    1) Marriage is for sexual wimps. Paul is "that guy" on the corner with the rest of the apostle-bros, deriding you for getting married. So needy! I'm only partly joking. He expressly says "But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." Remember when I called marriage a sexual fortress? Armies only need fortresses when the other army they are fighting against is stronger. Else the first army would come out of their fortress and defeat the other army. Getting married, among other things, is a confession that you can no longer abstain from sex with someone.

    2) Marriage is not a source of holiness. Paul does tell those Corinthians who were married when they became Christians to stay married. But he also says "Each person should remain in the situation they were in when God called them." In other words, a single person should not believe that, say, marrying and having a family will make them a better Christian.

    3) Marriage is a liability in terms of time and energy. Several times Paul refers to a crisis in Corinth: "present distress" in verse 26, and "time being short" in verse 29. Paul is leading up to an argument that the responsibilities and cares of marriage must be seriously considered. More precisely:

    3a) Marriage creates additional troubles. Paul balances out his advice when he said to remain in your previous situation. Sure, you can get married; if you must, go ahead, look for a wife. But he says "But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this." If you are married, and your spouse is having a bad day, you are having a bad day. If you are married, now you might have children, the ultimate source of lost time and energy. Marriage is not to be undertaken casually. In fact:

    3b) Marriage creates a continual obligation to your spouse. Forgive me, but I find this passage oddly romantic, even though Paul is trying to be as practical as possible:

    "I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife, and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord."

    Paul is saying, if you plan on getting married, your spouse is almost like a god to you. Again, note the duality: Paul is saying, for both husband and wife, your lives should indeed be spent being concerned about pleasing each other. You will and should spend your time trying to think about what you can get or do or say to please your spouse. You'll have less time to think about God. God honors marriage, and allows this. But Paul, being a practical man, is thinking of all the lost opportunities to serve and pray and help because you are married.

    My own two reasons, based on some of Paul's ideas, as to why permanent celibacy may be good are as follows:
    4.) Singles can be more service-minded. At times, I'm honestly a bit upset at my married friends. I see married friends disappear from charities, from public life. They no longer have time for old friends, or people in need. This is saddening. Paul is perhaps at his strongest here. Given the burden put on Christians to serve the weak, to witness to all men about God, and to be in public life, is marriage not a step backward? The married then move out of the city because it's "not safe enough for kids" and hide out in suburban homes, venturing out once a week for pizza and a movie. Is this really God's purpose being fulfilled?

    5.) The time is short. This is more my take on why celibacy is good, and not Paul's. He explains that since the time is short, we should be as free as possible: those with wives, in despair, in happiness, in business...whatever you're into, don't let it hold you down (verses 29-31). And seeking a wife or husband takes a lot of time, time that we don't necessarily have. Think of all those first dates...all those hours of instant messenger or texting...all that money spent on gifts, tickets, and dinners. A better writer than I once detailed his single years. Every month, he'd meet an interesting woman: and every month, he'd spent time, money, and energy getting to know her, just in case she could be the one. He bewailed this effort, as do I. And think, my friend, of the emotional cost of searching; the blow to your heart, to your self-esteem, to your trust in and love for humanity when things go wrong. A bad dating experience can set one back for months and years. To me, this indeed is a worthy argument for celibacy. But overall, I'm not convinced that permanent celibacy is possible for most of us. Thoughts?

  • What's So Bad about Casual Sex?: Paul and the Corinthians, Part II

    As discussed previously (Part I is here), the Corinthians were very open about sex. The brothels and temple prostitutes of Corinth were a huge draw for sailors and tourists to Corinth. Perhaps it's easiest to think of Corinth as Vegas or South Beach. The new Christians in Corinth naturally had to wonder, what was so bad about casual sex anyway? The poet Philemon (via Wikipedia) summed up the argument for legal prostitution as follows. We still see some of these arguments today:

    "[Solon], seeing Athens full of young men, with both an instinctual compulsion, and a habit of straying in an inappropriate direction, bought women and established them in various places, equipped and common to all. The women stand naked that you not be deceived. Look at everything. Maybe you are not feeling well. You have some sort of pain. Why? The door is open. One obol (a unit of currency). Hop in. There is no coyness, no idle talk, nor does she snatch herself away. But straight away, as you wish, in whatever way you wish. You come out. Tell her to go to hell. She is a stranger to you."

    Short version of this post, for those of you in a hurry: Paul argues that sex is much more addicting, controlling, and meaningful than the Corinthians thought, even though it just was sex with a prostitute. His second main argument is that the body is sacred ground, and thus, Christians are indefinitely in church; and would one have sex with a prostitute in church? HEY YOU IN THE COMMENT SECTION, THAT'S RHETORICAL! haha.

    The other arguments for casual sex in Greek society for the Corinthian Christians seemed to be as follows.
    (A) It was legal, and society did not disapprove of it.
    (B) We need food to live, and the body is made for food. Don't we need sex to live, and isn't the body made for sex?
    (C) The body isn't important, it's what is inside that counts. The body is merely a container for the soul and mind, so what does it matter who I have sex with?
    (D) My sexual actions do not in any way affect my relationship with God.

    The passage of I Corinthians 6 can be read here. Further commentaries that I used are ONE, TWO. Bear in mind that Paul is talking to Christians. This is not advice for everyone at all times, but for those who have entered into this particular belief and relationship with God.

    Paul has five main arguments that he uses to disagree with the Corinthians. A few are on the nature of sex, while others are on the nature of our relationship to God. The sex arguments:
    1) Sex overpowers our free will. He says that "All things are lawful to me, but I will not be brought under the power of any." Frank moment here: did you ever think you were the one in charge in a sexual relationship? only to find yourself whimpering and pleading as he/she walked out the door? We tend to think we are just fine, then we realize just what sex junkies we've become.
    2) Sex always bonds two people together. I'm not going to break out photos from health textbooks here, figure it out. Paul bluntly said, "Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh." He's saying, even when you just have a quick fling with a prostitute, you are creating the same type of union as you do when having sex with a spouse. There are no "levels of sex." Sex is sex is sex. Even when kept purely physical, that physical connection creates oneness.
    3) Sex is a sin against self. Paul tells the Corinthians to flee sexual immorality. The only other sin I recall Paul telling us to flee is worshiping idols. What's the connection? My best guess is that any compromise in these areas soon escalates, because our own bodies betray us. Unlike some other areas, Paul doesn't talk about small amounts, or self-control, or fighting: only running away will save you. He then says that sex is a unique sin against one's own body. Why sex, and not, say, drinking or hurting oneself? I think the point is, those other sins are us participating in vice. But sex makes us one with vice, uniquely bonding us with a living person in that, connecting, not just using. I have to admit, I'm not 100% clear on Paul's logic here.

    The relationship with God arguments seem to be as follows:
    4) Our bodies are made for God and belong to him. Our body is also sacred, just as the soul is. Thus, having sex with non-Christians is basically giving what is God's to those who do not believe in him. An argument Paul does not get into is why it is bad for two Christians to have sex outside of marriage if neither is married. After all, aren't both members of Christ? So isn't their sexual bond permissible? Admittedly, a weak point that Paul neglects. But I think his focus is on dealing with the temptation of legal, secular prostitution first.
    5) We are all connected to Christ and are a part of him. This is theologically complex, but in some sense we are all a part of Christ. We not only belong to Christ, we are an extension of Christ, without us being God. Thus, having bodies united with Christ, when the Corinthians had sex with a prostitute, they were essentially forcing Christ into the middle of that transaction. Paul raises the stakes further by saying that the Holy Spirit lives inside us, and that thus we are a temple, we are a church. Remember how you may have felt bad for wearing jeans to church, or going to church looking messy? Paul says, essentially, we are always in church because Christ is always in us, so we ourselves are a church building. Crazy to think about, right?

    Final thoughts: I like a lot of Paul's argument, but there are two areas that I don't think Paul covers properly. What's wrong with two Christians having sex outside of marriage with each other? And what's wrong with sexual activity that doesn't involve bodily connection with another person? More on this later, perhaps.

  • Marriage as Sexual Fortress: Paul and the Corinthians, Part I

    Christians today often complain that the Bible is incomplete. We wish that the Bible talked more about some subjects. We wonder if the Bible reflects cultural biases when it talks about others. But sometimes, we may have overlooked the verses that do talk about the subject in question. I've always wanted to do a short series on I Corinthians Chapters 6-7, in which Paul talks frankly about sex, marriage, celibacy, and difficult partners. Read with me, if you wish.

    Paul was writing Corinthians, Greeks who had very permissible attitudes about sex. You can read Wikipedia's "Prostitution in Ancient Greece" as a quick guide. For example, one Greek said "We have courtesans for pleasure, concubines to provide for our daily needs, and our spouses to give us legitimate children and to be the faithful guardians of our homes." Ancient Athenian men did not marry until 30, on average. Yet they had access to a large network of prostitutes, both women and young boys, and it was socially acceptable to turn to such to fulfill their needs. (I thought it particularly amusing and sad that they have found sandals worn by prostitutes, that had "Follow me" written on the bottom of the shoes so that they would create signs for men to follow them to brothels).

    In the midst of such sexual chaos, Paul directly attacked the quote above. He instructed the Corinthian church that married couples have sexual obligations to each other that must be regularly fulfilled. Paul's advice on sex is that married couples have a duty to consistently fulfill each other's sexual needs. Both are owned by each other, and have no excuses for not having sex with each other except for a mutually agreed sexual truce for religious reasons. I elaborate below, if you're still reading:

    The passage is as follows:

    "But because there is so much immorality, every man should have his own wife, and every woman should have her own husband. A man should fulfill his duty as a husband, and a woman should fulfill her duty as a wife, and each should satisfy the other's needs.  A wife is not the master of her own body, but her husband is; in the same way a husband is not the master of his own body, but his wife is. Do not deny yourselves to each other, unless you first agree to do so for a while in order to spend your time in prayer; but then resume normal marital relations. In this way you will be kept from giving in to Satan's temptation because of your lack of self-control."

    I encourage you to read the passage and any commentaries on your own. (I like this one, for example). But, for what it's worth, I did my best to explain the passage. Paul had a bias towards the single life, and admitted it. But he made clear that married people are to be engaged in fulfilling each other's needs. Interestingly, when it comes to sex, Paul promotes gender equality. The wife is the master of her husband's body, just as he is of hers. There is no assumption that one gender is more or less interested in sex than the other. When asked if Paul is at all relevant in the modern age, I bring up this passage as proof that Paul was able to escape the cultural biases of his time about sexuality.

    Paul is also intentionally lashing out against the Greek view of marriage not being for sexual pleasure. Ancient Greek Man, you say your wife is only for children, and prostitutes are for sex? No, your wife's body is yours, and you are obligated to her. You cannot turn to prostitutes for sexual pleasure (More on this in Part II). You cannot take breaks because she does not please you in some way. Ancient Greek Man, you may plead a lack of self-control, but that is all the more reason why you should be available for your wife's sexual desires and vice-versa. In fact, I think the English version is almost too mild when it says "master;" the connotation is very much one wielding authority over another. However, note that both have this authority over the other. There is no permission for the husband to act as the sole dominant sexual authority in the marriage.

    He also, interestingly enough, is correcting some Greeks who thought that there was something impure about sex itself. In my opinion, Paul puts sex in a similar category to food in the end of the passage. Sex, like food, can be abstained from when the Christian is seeking for greater closeness to God and praying and fasting. But that does not mean that sex or food are wicked by themselves. Sadly, the ancient church often seemed to think that abstention for its own sake was holiness. In my opinion, Paul is trying to tell them "Look, you are surrounded by prostitutes (see beginning of passage), how can you dare run the risk of not having sex with your wife and then believing that you won't have sex with a prostitute?" There are sad/funny anecdotes about holy men wanting to prove their holiness by sleeping in the same bed as virgins. As you may guess, that didn't turn out well. I also point out that given Paul's advice, there are no sexually unilateral decisions in marriage. Even when wanting to abstain from sex in order to pray, Paul says both partners must agree. Let that sink in for a moment, on how marriage removes one's sexual authority over oneself and replaces it with authority over another.

    Finally, Paul is not only talking about sex here. He first emphasizes the husband fulfilling his duty as a husband. Going to the Greek for the literal translation, the word used for "duty" is also used to mean "debt." Paul is saying, the husband owes the wife, and the wife owes the husband. There are two possibilities as to Paul's exact inspiration, both of which overlap to some extent:
    1) Paul may be drawing on Jewish tradition here, in terms of the Ketubah. The Ketubah indicates that the husband owes the wife food, clothing, and sex and is his promise to fulfill those things.
    2) Paul is referring to affection and love (for example, in Romans 13 he speaks of the debt to love one another). By instructing the husband first, he may be repeating his thought in Ephesians 5 that the husband's first responsibility is to love his wife completely.

    In the end, I'm struck by the portrayal of the Corinthians, surrounded by sexual opportunity, just as we are today. Sure, the Corinthians didn't have electronic sexual opportunities, but neither do we have open prostitution offers while we're on our way to Starbucks in the morning. As a result, Paul wants sex in marriage to be a sort of fortress. Paul points out that Satan will always be tempting one to have sex, and that long abstention will make it easier to lose control and have sex outside of the marriage. (There's some interesting ramifications there for the single person, which I'll get into soon enough). Next time I'll explore Paul's response to those who said "Our bodies are made for sex, so why shouldn't we have sex with whomever?"

  • Some Unusual Reasons for Skirt-Chasing

    An intriguing response to the reasons for male promiscuity : I am too lazy to write my own post, but I think a lot of what he said is quite true. Although I'm a little amused at the idea that men would use sex to get love and acceptance: my impression was that was more a feminine trait?

    "As I guy I think a huge part of the hunt for sex is the need for approval and acceptance by the opposite sex. It's really the only socially sanctioned outlet for men to get this approval.
    Most of male culture is about destroying the self to submit to the team (best seen in sports) and to not provoke other, stronger men into seeing you as a threat, lest they want to hurt you. By the time they are adults, many men don't feel comfortable discussing their inner selves (emotions, reactions, etc.) as they are constantly asked to ignore and sublimate those feelings so that no one becomes jealous or threatened. Men are asked not to be emotional ('real men don't cry' is a common phrase) as there is a general sense that men's emotions aren't important or worth exploring. Men remind each other all the time that no one cares how one really feels, so its best not to bring up these feelings. Men who are sad and have low self-esteem, and can't 'buck up' and shut up, are not rewarded in this scenario- they are seen as 'desperate' and as losers, really, which in a social sense, they are.
    So, back to chasing women and sex, it is the best socially sanctioned way to allow one's self to be strong and happy. Men are asked to do things to get approval, and through doing things, and succeeding, they are able to get their 'reward' of being confident and therefore being attractive to the opposite sex. It is only then that a man's emotions might be valued or validated.
    Personally, I'd be just as happy if there as much importance put on actually voicing men's emotions and fears, instead of being asked to shut up and do something productive so that a man is valued for existing and not producing.
    Ah, we all have it tough. No one wants to hear it anyway."

    Cut-Paste = 5 minute post.

  • What would the Sexually Ideal Church Look Like?

    What would a church look like that would truly reflect the Bible's teachings on sex and physical intimacy?

    I. Love for all. The church strongly believes in serving each other and loving each other. That church is well aware that oftentimes, people fall into sexual sin because basic needs for affection are not being met. While not excusing such sin, church members go out of their way to show love to each other. Affection, gracious words, hugs, and servanthood for all are the norm, without regard to sexual desirability.
    Verse: Hebrews 10:25 "We should not stop gathering together with other believers, as some of you are doing. Instead, we must continue to encourage each other even more as we see the day of the Lord coming."

    II. Protection and Purity. Given this atmosphere of love and trust, the church is protective of its members. Sexual sin is taken seriously and confessed. No one is blacklisted for sexual inclinations. The church welcomes those with tendencies towards deviant sexuality who genuinely are striving to change. However, those whose sexual appetites are causing damage to the church are asked to leave and repent (such as the tale when a man was dating his father's wife, in the New Testament). Counseling is available as needed, and the church believes in teaching sinners how to be pure, and that purity is possible for all, no matter what mistakes or inclinations they have.
    Verse: I Thessalonians 4:4-6 "that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you."

    III. Singles: Singles are encouraged to work hard on serving others and keeping busy rather than indulging themselves, dating randomly, or becoming bitter. The church refuses to prefer married people to single people, honoring both equally. The church actively tries to help those seeking to be married and does its best to find them Christian spouses. Dating is not discouraged, but the church instead teaches its singles to treat each other as brothers and sisters rather than as prospects. Married folk explain the beauty and struggles of marital relationships to single folk, and make a convincing case why sex within marriage is far better than sex without marriage. The church realizes that singles would try harder to be sexually pure if married folk showed singles that the marriage relationship is intensely rewarding.
    Verse: I Timothy 5:2 "Treat older women as you would your mother, and treat younger women with all purity as you would your own sisters."

    IV. Married: Younger married folk are mentored and guided by older marriage folk. The church intentionally creates a chain of connection, where older members of each gender are encouraged and exhorted to watch after and help younger members. Mentorship is taken seriously. The church realizes that marital love is not always natural: many of us need to be taught how to love, how our partner receives love, what sexual fulfillment is about, and how to show appreciation to each other. Without being taught these things, love fades and marriages break up.
    Verse: Titus 2:4 "That they [older women] may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,"