Usually, when people refer to "that guy", it's a disparaging tone used to criticize someone for his embarrassing behavior or poor habits. But secretly, I have to admit, there are some "that guys" out there that I would like to be--just for a day--so I could get away with an annoying habit or quirky personality tic. This is an ongoing series where I describe to you my "that guy" fantasies for fun. None of these are based directly on real people I know.
So a while ago, I was reading Rockininkslinger's blog, and she was complaining about the collegiate bimbos at the coffee shop. She kept on going on and on about their physical attributes, like this:
"There's no way those skinny bimbos were going to sit next to me on my love seat and giggle while holding up blank study sheets. I was there to be productive, unlike them, and I refused to allow my steady progress to be impeding by immature giggling and arguments of whose size double zero thighs were less toned."
Umm, yeah, you can tell by the bold type what parts of the story stood out to me, ha. She was more explicit about the bimbos' anatomy elsewhere...by the end, I was feeling thoroughly heterosexual, heh. In her attempts to disrespect that type of girl, she had somehow aroused me instead. And I don't even like mindless bimbos or written descriptions of hotness!
I've seen girls do this one or twice before. In their attempts to hate on a female rival, they actually make that rival sound sexy. Thus, I had the idea for "That Guy" #5; The Evil Wingman. This is my revenge on you, Rockininkslinger, for inflicting your literary Xangaporn on me! Although I won't be as explicit in my descriptions, FYI; thank me later!
Anyway, the male Evil Wingman "complains" about a guy friend (call him Matt) to a lady (call her Susan) who has a crush on that guy friend. However, the complaints are really compliments that just serve to fuel the lady's crush or jealousy and amuse the Evil Wingman. Examples on what Evil Wingman says:
"So there we were at Camp BO Unleashed, and Matt insists on sleeping shirtless again, and I have to share a bed with him. Do you know how sweaty he was? Yuck. All he had on was his boxers. And when he was sleeping, he kept mumbling about "Suz, I need you" and "Please don't leave me"--what kind of name is "Suz"? Who's that? I asked him in the morning, but he just got this weird grin on his face and wouldn't tell me. He somehow managed to bruise my arm with his abs, too--dude needs to stop lifting weights. Steroids much?! That's the last time I get stuck sharing a bed at camp.
"My car on the way back from camp got stuck in a snow drift, and I was going to call AAA because I spend so much money for my membership. I get out in the snow to call to get better reception, and it takes 5 minutes for the AAA guy to understand me and send a crew. Then I turn around--and Matt had pushed the car out of the snow drift! He didn't even tell me, and I wasted all the time on the phone! Then we had to stop a few miles later so we could help push this girl's car out of the snowdrift. I told him to cut out the Mr. Boy Scout stuff, but he wouldn't listen. Good thing, though, she was a hot model running late for a fashion show! She hugged him, gave him her # and told him to call her anytime...things just always work out for Matt. It's not fair, I helped push too! Where was my number?!"
"Matt is so corny--I'm sick of his nice guy act. He checks in with his mom before we go out so she doesn't worry, and then on the way back from camp, we had to stop so he could buy his sister a souvenir. Says he wanted to surprise her. What a sap! And then when we were talking about girls, he went on and on about how "Looks don't matter" and "I'm just looking for a lady with a good heart who I can spoil." Ugh, it's so disgusting! And he means it, too; I think he even got a little choked up about it. What a loser."
Hmm, did I like exclamation points enough in this post? Yes!!!!!!!
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