December 24, 2007

• Intimacy: Yet Another Pretentious Series

  I have not read the book above in full detail, but its title has intrigued me. On the one hand, it sounds ridiculous; who in the world hides from love? It's like saying "I'm scared of chocolate cake" or "I refuse large wads of cash"--it's crazy! But...maybe not so crazy.

  During winter break, I wanted to talk about intimacy. I'm not interested in talking about romantic intimacy. In fact, I intentionally want to steer away from that type of intimacy, because I think our culture has deceived itself into thinking that intimacy can only be found in romantic relationships. No, I instead am defining intimacy more generally, as that feeling of knowing (or discovering) and being known (or encouraging/allowing discovery). (Perhaps there is a better word rather than intimacy--I rejected telepathy, connection, and transparency and settled on intimacy as the word that was closest). To start off these posts, I wanted to talk about two fiercely intimate experiences I had, in which I felt that I was revealed and also something was revealed to me. I share these experiences to hopefully broaden your understanding of intimacy and make the definition more general.

  It was a hot day in 2007, and I was playing 2-2 basketball with some high school kids. My teammate was fast and clever at getting open, while I was talented at getting the ball to him as soon as he got open. We suddenly started connecting as if we had played with each other for years--behind-the-back passes, alley-oops, throwing passes into space and letting him catch up to them, you name it. And he just started laughing, both to tease the other team but also, I think, because his ability to play so well and my ability to match skills with him gave him pleasure. I started smiling in response, a really big grin, and we worked our offense again and scored. I remember that moment, where he realized that I would reward him with the ball if he kept running, and I realized that he would work hard to get open and score if I got him the ball...it was intimacy, as funny as that sounds. Oh, most men would HATE admitting the intimate part of sports, but it's there. Watch when a basketball player receives a nice pass from another player to score a basket, and then points at that player and nods his head as he comes upcourt. They have joy then. There's a joy to sports, to the workplace, where people realize that they understand one another's skills, and that someone else understands how best to use them and to put them in positions where they will succeed. Don't underestimate this joy!

  It was a chilly spring day in 2004, and I was working to complete a take-home final project for an advanced statistics course. I spent four days straight, 10 hours a day on average, working on that take-home final on the computer. But I remember, that around day 3 or 4, I realized that I was learning many new statistics skills, that I was actually becoming very good at this, and that I would be successful on the project. The rest of the project was sheer joy, because I now understood the project and had made it known. No, there was no two-way flow; the project could not find out about me, and I could not make myself known to it. But the joy of learning, of knowing, was great. For those of us who are more task-oriented in life, we sometimes receive intimacy from our tasks. Yes, there's a danger of workaholicism; but there's also more pleasure there than some of you may think. The hard part may be that when you receive intimacy in that way, you forget that you must also make yourself known to receive the full joy of intimacy; and that only happens with another person. But don't underestimate that joy, either! It is another type of intimacy.

  I'll talk about more traditional views on intimacy soon enough. I just wanted to open up your understanding of intimacy. 

  • 6:56 pm
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