January 13, 2008

  • Some Thoughts on Men Protecting Women

    This morning, I was considering an interesting topic. Do you think that men no longer feel any obligation to protect women? I grew up thinking that men had no responsibility to protect the women in their life. When older men in my church would talk about beating up a guy if he'd insult their wife, I'd snicker under my breath. When guys opened doors for women, helped them with jackets, and otherwise did things for women that women can certainly do for themselves, I was cynical as to their motives. I saw this as window-dressing as best, opportunistic at worst. I grew up seeing women as equals to compete with, ha, because they competed with me for various class honors.

    But...you know, today, I wondered if we have lost the true, healthy meaning of men protecting women. Whether it was because women stridently insisted that they needed no man to protect them in the feminist revolution, or because men became much more interested in women as objects to use and throw away rather than someone to marry and to live with, there is little protection of women in today's culture. Woman, go to a raucous party by yourself, or get a little tipsy or sick at a restaurant with a first-time date. Do you really have the confidence that the men around you will protect you and help you in your weakened state? Or, more importantly, think of our romantic relationships--as a man, I have to admit I rarely think of protecting the woman. Ways of protection for men may include (these are just off the top of my head) making the home a place of sanctuary and tranquility, physical protection, protecting her from her worst impulses, protecting her heart and emotions from others, taking upon ourselves (for men) the responsibility and pressure of major decisions, or making the woman feel loved and appreciated even though we may be surrounded by other more beautiful, younger women.

    Now don't get me wrong, I don't see the 50's and 60's as some sort of utopia. Back then, the problem was more that "protection" might mean "No one can beat or subjugate my wife but me", ha. And I still think that some of the common courtesy actions have more to do with symbolism than actual substance. But it's something worth thinking about. Now please, I didn't write this to be gushed over as some sort of sensitive male, ha. I'm not! Look above, I already admitted that I usually have ignored or actively resisted attempts to protect women. But I think that I may have ignored an issue that has more merit than I once thought. This post is sounding rather dumb to me--maybe I'm on to something here, maybe not. But let me toss it up and see what you all think.

Comments (16)

  • I noticed that Xanga's post of the day http://weblog.xanga.com/angelbelle/637042078/chivalry-is-dead.html?nextdate=last is about a very similar topic. What an intriguing coincidence! I guess it somehow climbed into both of our heads at the same time.

  • The ways of protection you list at the end of paragraph 2 will always mean A LOT!

    I greatly appreciate acts of kindness i.e. opening doors etc.  So far, it has always raised my appreciation for the man who is willing to notice and take action.

  • Hi!  I am the same person from Featured Grownups this is my personal site.  I understand what you mean ...so stop by and read when you can even if you don't contibute.

  • I don't know about "protection" so much as a sort of concern/awareness. I would hope that a guy would be on the look out for me, just as I look out for kids, other woemn,, or those who might be taken advantage of--sometimes that has to do with sex, other times it doesn't. I like to think that I'm as aware of others' emotional needs as they may be of my physical.

  • Interesting. At least you are honest :)

    I think that inside women there is a need to feel secure and protected (no matter what society dictates) and inside men there is a need to protect ...

  • I think the pendulum is beginning (beginning, it hasn't even gotten close to where it was, but is beginning) to swing the other way; women now are realizing that some parts of our natures simply cannot be ignored. Where once it was thought that a woman who wanted to stay home and be a wife and mother was in the minority, we now know that most women do see marriage and motherhood as the ideal; we're recognizing that, perhaps, the sexual revolution did us more harm than good (ya think??? ;) . Personally, growing up, I always had men who would protect me: my father, whom I gave express permission to terrorize any boy I brought home; my older brothers; and now, my husband. All of my male friends are guys I would trust implicitly to protect me should the need arise. Put simply, I think a man who wouldn't defend a woman is a coward, using perceived feminism as a shield against his responsibility as the stronger sex to protect the weaker. Maybe that's a bit bold, but, well, there it is.

  • I think angelbelle hit it on the head, it's not so much that woman need protected or that men need to protect, but both need to feel the above are true, It's more of an emotional thing than a physical... the other day I had a girl tell me that she felt better after telling me all her drama... I was surprised at how "manly" her comment made me feel. I think that's just the way guys and gals are wired, women feel confident and complete when they feel emotionally comforted and men feel confident and complete when they give emotional comfort to someone needing it.

  • RYC electronjoy: First, that sounded very intelligent, and you're ruining my usual brotherly attempts to consider you an imbecile. Stop it! :-p Hmm...I'm a relentless provider of emotional support to women I know, but I don't really see it as protection. Recently, however, I intervened online when an acquaintance was getting yelled at in her comment section and told the people to back off. She was thankful to me for the protection, and at that moment, I realized--yes, I was protecting her. And maybe I should think about how I can protect people, in general, more often, if they have a need of it and I can provide that. Perhaps the issue is, I usually don't see women as weak and in need of protection. My mom is a strong woman, my friends at school and that I competed with were strong women, etc. But maybe they are.

    Again, just floating this out there--thanks for the comments, all of you, you're really helping me think about this issue.

  • RYC: Oh, and ladies, I should tell you that electronjoy is indeed ridiculously manly, and anyone who wants a funny, kind 23-year-old Christian man, making actual $ out of college, should leave their expressions of affection at xanga.com/electronjoy. Oh ok, he's manly except when he blushes like crazy when I do things like this to him. :-p

  • hip-hooray for galumph! with the exception of "taking upon ourselves (for men) the responsibility and pressure of major decisions", none of your examples are performed exclusively by men for women. they can be practiced reciprocally. and as for the quote... gp, really? isn't that the very justification that's been offered to deprive women of positions of power? and that's a rhetorical question. i believe in dividing labor in a relationship, but the differentiation of tasks isn't based on gender roles, rather on personal makeup. you don't run the risk of being a pigeon holed as sensitive male as much as a gentrified misogynist. and i say that knowing you are much closer to the former than the latter. as far as i'm concerned, bring on the respectful competition.

    btw, i'm having a much better day today.

  • Theotica, I love respectful competition, and I understand your point. Protecting someone from all hard decisions keeps them in a childlike state. I didn't mean it that way; just on occasion, when it involves protecting someone from pain rather than usurping their will. And this isn't the first time galumph has pointed out that one of my men-women posts has applications for all peoples, and done so quite wisely. Sadly, her perspective makes it clear that it's not just that I don't get women, it's that I'm an insensitive boor to men, women, and children in need of my help. :-p

    But, I'm going to gently argue with you that perhaps marriage works best as a benevolent dictatorship, rather than a pure democracy. Specialization of labor according to people's talents is a good start. But for years I've pursued the pure democracy style in relationships, only to see it fail. One of us has to be in charge. That may be me, that may be her, but trying to split things 50/50 doesn't work, I think.

  • I would argue that no matter what women say (or have been programmed to say) we long to feel secure, protected and cared for.

    The thing is that, I don't feel that this is just an issue of Husband and Wife. My brothers in Christ have done several things for me that have communicated that they respect me, they are concerned about my well being, and that I am valued (regardless of my "relationship" status with them)

    ie. They walk me to my car after it is dark, they carry my luggage on retreats, they openly rebuke other men if they say something inappropriate or disrespectful in front of me, and they reprimand me when I do something that worries them. When I was in China, we went to a dance club one night. It got very warm in there, so I walked out on the roof of the building to get some air. A few minutes later one of my male roommates grabbed me by the shoulders and yelled at me, that I didn't tell him where I was going, it's not safe for me to wander off alone, and he was worried that something had happened to me. I never felt more cared for in my life.

    In regard to door opening and other such "chivalry" I have written a blog on that. I think it always comes down to a matter of practicality. See the blog here Chivalry

  • Purple:  really? That's very nice.  I have very rarely had a male friend or acquaintance take any special interest in my well-being, even when I am so nervous about, say, walking to my car late at night that it is borderline terror.  It's those times that other women always step up to the plate and say they're going with me.  To be fair, if a guy asks if I want him to walk with me I will invariably tell him "no" because I feel like an inconvenience or a scared little girl. I mean, there he sits having fun--clearly, the last thing he wants to do is walk out in the dark--so I put on my fake brave face and say breezily that I'm not that far away--I'll be fine.  And I always have been.   

  • "I would argue that no matter what women say (or have been programmed to say) we long to feel secure, protected and cared for."

    I am in total agreement with this statement!

  • GP wrote: Perhaps the issue is, I usually don't see women as weak and in need of protection.

    "Weak" and "in need of protection" aren't necessarily the same thing. And I guess it's all in how you define strength.

    I know that I like to put on an independent face and handle things myself, but part of me is always happy when my husband operates as my defender. One time there was a big family row over a holiday and my brother-in-law belittled me rather cruelly, and my husband got in his face and told him he wasn't going to talk to me like that. I have never felt so loved in my life. I could have battled it out with my brother-in-law myself (I've done it before) but having my husband sail in to my defense was amazing.

    It may be relevant here, it may not, but there is a wonderful quote from George Eliot's Middlemrach about defending other people in general:

    "People glorify all sorts of bravery except the kind which they might show on behalf of their nearest neighbors."

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