January 22, 2008
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Is Kissing Too Sexy?
A kiss is just a kiss--or is it? A popular controversy in Christian youth groups back in my day was "how far is too far?" in physical contact in the dating relationships. Some dating couples eschew kissing and/or dancing as greasing the slippery slope toward sexual immorality. Other couples saw such activities as ways to express physical affection that are permitted to married or unmarried couples. (If you're non-Christian and sexually active, you're just laughing at this post. Go away and leave us monks and nuns alone already, ok? ha.) So who's right?
Well, time.com, that bastion of Christian conservative thinking (hee-hee) had an interesting comment about kissing in the midst of their scientific "Why We Love" article. Quite honestly, most of the article was a useless rehash of well-known information, but this stuck out:
http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1704355-3,00.html
"The internal chemical tempest that draws us together hits Category 5 when sex gets involved. If it's easy for a glance to become a kiss and a kiss to become much more, that's because your system is trip-wired to make it hard to turn back once you're aroused. That the kiss is the first snare is no accident.
Not only does kissing serve the utilitarian purpose of providing a sample of MHC, but it also magnifies the other attraction signals—if only as a result of proximity. Scent is amplified up close, as are sounds and breaths and other cues. And none of that begins to touch the tactile experience that was entirely lacking until intimate contact was made. "At the moment of a kiss, there's a rich and complicated exchange of postural, physical and chemical information," says Gallup. "There are hardwired mechanisms that process all this."
What's more, every kiss may also carry a chemical Mickey, slipped in by the male. Though testosterone is found in higher concentrations in men than in women, it is present in both genders and is critical in maintaining arousal states. Traces of testosterone make it into men's saliva, particularly among men who have high blood levels of the hormone to start with, and it's possible that a lot of kissing over a long period may be a way to pass some of that natural aphrodisiac to the woman, increasing her arousal and making her more receptive to even greater intimacy."
Some interesting ammunition for the anti-physical contact folks, don't you think? Those of you dating no doubt will flounce angrily away from this post and be rather irate with me. No, Cupid's blood is not on my hands, and I do not pass out black licorice hearts on Valentine's Day. I just thought this information was fascinating enough that you should be aware of it. I have to admit, it's forcing me to re-evaluate my own standards.
PS The astute long-term reader recognizes this as my first salvo, err, post on love leading up to Valentine's Day. It's a yearly tradition on here. As usual, I start by depressing my readers and making romantic relationships seem harder than they already are. Yes! Next week, I'll provide you with stats on why 99.8% of the opposite gender is out of your league or scum. Kidding!
Comments (24)
I think it depends on the individual. Mr. Wrench and I kissed plenty before we married, and didn't have sex till our wedding night. I attribute this to the fact that I made the commitment to myself to abstain when I was 10 -- before the hormones took their toll on my judgment. Also, I'm incredibly, incredibly stubborn.
Seriously though, I admire those who wait till marriage to kiss and to be intimate; those who say "You need experience!" obviously have had very little REAL intimacy in their lives.
I'm in the no kissing crowd, despite my current relationship status. However, that decision is probably more heavily influenced by the mistakes I have made in my past than the person I am with right now.
I'd say that if you were married, the things you wouldn't do with a friend if your spouse was watching, are the things you shouldn't do before marriage.
Oh noessss! Someone passed me chemical information that might turn me on!!!
Honestly, the anti-kissing people are just trying to make rules to control what they can't control themselves. Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit. Use it! You don't need a bunch of guilt-inducing rules to make you holy. Just draw your own boundaries and stick to them. Don't put yourself in compromising situations.
As a 26 year old virgin who has dated 5 men seriously, for around one year each...having had some good makeout time with every single one of them, I know my limits. I stop there. The end. Rules are not holiness. I used to try to jump on the guilt bandwagon and subscribe to a bunch of "I kissed dating goodbye" rules, but it just made me angsty and uptight and worried. I like my way much better. Just set boundaries and stop there. Pray constantly, be open. Pray together. Be a GROWNUP.
What an interesting article. I think if people choose the kissing route, they need to know these things. But then, if someone does go down that road i think they probably already do. still the testosterone thing was interesting.
I love it when scientists figgure out some of the glue God created to bind couples together! It will always be an Amazing mystery
Great post, makes me laugh
have a great day ~
RYC: NightCometh and GermanWrench, thanks for providing the other side. Definitely, one should do what they can have faith in, because "that which is not from faith is sin" Romans 14:22? or so. My point isn't to put guilt on anyone, but rather to educate that kissing, by itself, may be more an act of sexuality than you may have thought. Now for some people, they can handle that without sinning
(weak brother vs. strong brother debate of Romans 14-15). I would kick out, though, a reference to I Corinthians 7:1; I think there's some good precedent for taking that verse literally ("It is good for a man not to touch a woman") as well as figuratively (avoid sex outside of marriage).
On the other hand, I do have concerns with not expressing ANY physical affection until marriage. I think it's important to show that you are ready for all types of marital intimacy before marriage, without actually engaging in any of them. Does that make any bizarre sense to you all? But I think the article gives good ammunition toward keeping any make-out sessions short and making sure there's some commitment from the other person before engaging in such behavior.
Just set boundaries and stop there. Pray constantly, be open. Pray together. Be a GROWNUP.
I do set boundaries (and pray, and pray together, etc.). Mine are just different than yours. I don't think that makes me any less of a grownup than you are.
^That last comment was directed at NightCometh. Apparently, the reply feature has some bugs in it.
@GreekPhysique - I agree that it is important to express some kind of physical affection... I think what is comfortable for a person varies. I speak for myself when I say that I'm happy with hugs and hand holding. At this point in my life, I don't need to go any further than that... and I am happy to know that the person I am with feels the same.
I also like the idea of saving the first kiss for marriage. That's not a rule, mind you. It's just a neat idea and I would like to see it happen, if possible. Also, it's a great story to tell my kids someday.
Just to be clear, I'm not hating on Dr. Martin Luther King. I love him. Last night, before I went to bed, I started worrying that people would flip out when they read it, because they would think I was dissing MLK and everything he stood for. No... well, I kind of did, but accidentally. I was just trying to be really, really weird.
And as for kissing, it can transfer AIDS. So can holding hands. I recommend we all have our genitals removed and all live in bubbles with nothing but granola bars, water and a bible.
i do agree with you greek that its important to express some physical intimacy before marriage.. i think that should increase as commitment increases.
one reason i think its important though is to figure out if the person you're with has any problems there. There are people who have problems with physical intimacy.. and sometimes use 'holiness' to mask their issues. In actuality, they abstain from physical closeness because they're afraid of it. Now that's a shocker i dont want on my wedding day or night.
@GreekPhysique -
Well, perhaps I should specify: 1) My husband was my first and only boyfriend; 2) We'd known each other for a year before we even kissed; 3) I was living at my parents' house for college so it's not like we were left alone; and 4) My parents and my brother held me accountable to the guidelines that I had already set for myself. So it wasn't a typical dating situation; we already knew we were going to get married and were merely waiting for me to finish school, and then for him to finish basic training.
@Amandasbiggestfan - ABF, after they grip and rip on our nether regions, can we at least get lemon-flavored water, and chocolate chip granola bars? ha-ha. Yeah, I know, my post sounds crazy to an outsider, doesn't it? (Although I'm talking to the man who wrote Raptor MLK, so I'm pretty sure you could out-weird me).
But on the other hand, our current cultural standard of "whatever makes you feel good is good" isn't sustainable, either. Too many of us are using sex to fix problems it wasn't meant to handle, or stripping it of its procreative and bonding elements and merely focusing on its recreational aspects. And...I'll stop, ha, before this gets too long. I'm getting off-topic, anyway, with regards to my original post.
<--Is the master of hand-holding
[Barry White voice] Kisses may be chemical Mickeys, but I don't need no Mickeys... *wiggles his fingers* All I need are these babies right here... Ohhhh yeaaaaah... [/Barry]
Seriously, though. My first girlfriend and I used to "make out" with our hands, Vulcan-style.
In response to in_the_everyday, who said that "the things you wouldn't do with a friend if your spouse was watching, are the things you shouldn't do before marriage." It strikes me as odd in two ways, because if I wasn't married I would be more worried about the times when my spouse wasn't watching, and also because various non-contact things I do with girls I date (driving in the car alone together, sitting and talking 'till 1 AM, watching movies together on a love-seat) are things I wouldn't be quite comfortable doing with a female friend if I was married.
I'm with NightCometh: know your limits and stop before you get to them, and you won't have to make rules or mini-commitments. Guidelines, sure... But I'm not a big fan of rules to protect the rules, like the Talmud being the "fence around the Torah."
The underlying rule is not to have sex before marriage. You can have guidelines to help protect that rule (not kissing, limiting kissing, making sure someone else is in the house if you're going to be alone together, ect.), but I dislike rules to protect the rule. Guidelines bend and flex, they're not set in stone. But I wouldn't say in the beginning of a relationship that I'm not going to kiss the girl until (if we get to) the altar, because saying that is set in stone. I don't know what will happen a month, three months, a year from now. I may grow more comfortable, my limits might change... but I'll still have that rule that I imposed on myself. Whereas a guideline can be reevaluated, changed, a new guideline set up to replace the old.
Oooh. I gotta get in on this convo!
First of all... I think there is a huge difference between kissing to show affection, and kissing to make you and the other person "feel good". To me, that is a very very key difference. Personally, as soon as that "I'm doing this because it feel oh so gooooood" tone is set, I'm a goner. And so is my self control. But in general, I think kissing before marriage is absolutely fine. You just gotta know your limits.
Which brings me to my next point. How are you supposed to know your limits? Certainly not by seeing how far you can push yourself before you DO lose self control. I would just have to say that for people who have "been there, done that"... you know exactly what gets you into that mindset where you aren't just showing affection anymore. And for people who haven't been there, well.. either you have a partner who has and you can seek their opinion... or... hey, you've waited this long. Might as well make is even more special by kissing at the altar!
********************
Finally I leave you with this:
Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam...
And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva...
I couldn't resist.
This is a good discussion. 1 Corinthians 7:1 gives a good, safe guideline - don't touch.
You can also read Proverbs 6:23-29 "For the commandment is a lamp; and the law is light; and reproofs of instruction are the way of life: To keep thee from the evil woman, from the flattery of the tongue of a strange woman. Lust not after her beauty in thine heart; neither let her take thee with her eyelids. For by means of a whorish woman a man is brought to a piece of bread: and the adulteress will hunt for the precious life. Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned?
So he that goeth in to his neighbour’s wife; whosoever toucheth her shall not be innocent."
Some good advice: don't play with fire, don't feed the fire, don't even start the fire.
Btw, I don't say this as someone who was always successful with these holy standards when I was dating. I had some times of victory and some of defeat. But that teaches me that staying well on the safe side of the street is a good idea.
I was thinking about this last night -- just what kind of hormonal impact are we talking about, here? I mean, if you drink a cup of soy milk, your estrogen goes up; drink a cup of green tea and your cortisol goes down. Chocolate affects your endorphines, and wine has the same effect as some beta blockers. Of course, this doesn't mean that soy milk will instantly make you grow boobs, or that green tea will make you feel deliriously good.
A lot of things impact our hormone levels, probably a lot more than we realize. What if kissing, like caffeine, really does impact some people more than others? I can drink three cups of coffee right before bed, but my mom can't even have a small piece of dark chocolate without getting wired.
@GermanWrench - For example, others may not pay attention to this comment at all, while I think it's so insightful I could hug your penguin-clad avatar. (I rush to insert "hug in a chaste, non-making your husband want to beat me-way", ha). Exactly! Kissing, for some people, may be no big deal at all. For example, many Europeans kiss as a form of greeting already--so I would think a kiss would be less of a sexual thing for them to begin with. But, on the other hand, for some people kissing is a highly erotic experience. Such people should stay away from kissing if they don't want to have sex with every person they kiss, ha.
I'm looking forward to next week, since I already found my perfect .2% and I can just laaauugghh.......
Oh no.
The dreaded month before Valentines day when your blog turns into a debate over all things love related.
I suppose I should have something to say in response to this, but I don't. I did want to say that I will call you back at some point.
I haven't totally forgotten, only during normal people hours.
In response to your comment: Yah, maybe I have a really sexy phone voice. Maybe I should consider a career in 900 number phone sex. :OP
-Me-
@dearguest - And there would be no kissing, either! What a gre...I mean, TERRIFYING idea. I'll call every hotel in town for you to get a job, ha, rather than you subject yourself to that type of career.
--NO, NO, IT IZ TOO SEXY!
--But I must. For I am... Antonio Bandares.
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