February 17, 2008

  • Dr. Neil Clark Warren's Revenge: EHarmony Strikes Back!

    For years I've intentionally mocked and heckled eHarmony. Whether it was mocking their coupons , accusing them of defrauding the desperate , making fun of their advice column , or defending my hating, I aggressively insulted them--and long-time readers know that most of the time, I rant about very little on this site.

    However, with the passing of time, I realized that my mockery of the site might have been immature. Perhaps I'd judged the site too harshly; after all, it was started by a Christian doctor, Neal Clark Warren. And after all, it did offer a mathematical matching service; how could I be against math? Finally, I had seen one or two couples matched by eHarmony, and they seemed quite happy. Oh, who am I kidding? I KNOW YOU HAVE PROFILES OF PRETTY GIRLS IN THERE, eHARMONY! QUICK, MATCH ME TO A HOTTIE BEFORE MY FACE DECAYS FURTHER AND I BECOME A SOCIAL LEPER! I STILL HAVE CUTE PHOTOS OF MYSELF FROM 2004 THAT I CAN CROP THE DATE FROM--LET ME IN!!! hahaha

    So I took their personality test--only when it was free, of course, because I think that the possibility of finding the love of my life is only worth $3.67, at best--and waited breathlessly. Profile matching, here I come! Which self-descriptive alliteration is more of a lie, referring to myself as "smart and sophisticated" or "casual and cuddly"? Hmm...and then suddenly, I got this message. I'm unmatchable!

    EHarmonyNo

    Neil Clark Warren read my Xanga, didn't he? You can't get away with this, NCW! On the one hand, I could consider this my official notification of being a social leper. You're telling me that not even 35-year-old Hailey in Halifax, desperate to leave her parent's home and find anyone with a pulse, is a good match for me? But actually, I've never been more proud of myself. I'm an unmatchable freak! Yes! Your systems can't match me, they can only hope to describe me! Woo! (does head butt into wall, falls down).

    EDIT: If you like this and other posts I do, please star them (see right under the Xanga). I still kind of despise the Xanga rating system and the quest for attention. However, if there are people out there who would enjoy this Xanga if they had a chance to find it, I guess I'll accommodate them. I can't hold myself back from my fans, you know, ha.

Comments (14)

  • If you figure out the Meaning of Skittles, let me know.

  • Sorry bout that. But wouldn't you rather them tell you that you don't fit into neat category instead of charging you membership fees and not matching you?

  • You got ya some more stars, there, buddy :)

  • Done on the stars front.

    So you could be one of those Chemistry.com ads now. Congrats!

    I'm not sure about what it is eHarmony deniable and what is not. But look at it from a positive perspective--at least you aren't in the realm of being matched with military guys when you are a pacifist.

  • I just starred you. And I heart you too, no matter what eHarmony says.

    But I did laugh out loud as I read they couldn't match you. *stifles cruel snicker*

    Seriously, if being rejected by eHarmony is the worst rejection you get this year, you're doin' alright. Wear your unique incomparableness like a badge of valor.

  • I want to be proud of you for being so unique and amazing, but there is a part of me that's wondering if the message you received is specially reserved for the people who eharmony identifies as potential terrorists and school shooters.  If you see unmarked vans parked outside your window this week, you might not want to do anything drastic... like leave town or buy a gun.

    Barring that scenario, I gave you stars.  I hope you get the love and attention you so desperately seek. =P

  • hahahahhaha

    that's pretty funny. you should try taking the meyer briggs online to see what they say.. the test is basically based on that so it'd be interesting to see what happens when you take that test.

    I have ideas about why the test didnt pass you (so to speak), nothing you should worry. Dont let it bother you.

  • Christian Mingle is where it's at anyways. lol

  • Personally, I think it was because eHarmony realized you were the universal match, the ultimate find, the male-who-could-fit-any-female, and were worried about the absolute glut on the market it would create if they allowed you into the system.

    I mean really. You'd have to propose marriage to every woman in the world or something.

  • @MeganBernardy - 

    Hahaha! I used to be on Christian Mingle before I met my current boyfriend... and I actually met a really nice guy on there! But he lived all the way in Philly and I live in Dayton. Oh well!

  • @NightCometh - 

    Yeah, it actually was a great sign that the site has some honesty and doesn't take everyone. Oddly enough, at small group church last night, all 3 of us guys were eHarmony rejects. That's either really scary or really cool.

    @freakyJesusmusic - 

    The happily married man is laughing at me. The pain! hahaha very true on the second part of the comment.

    @Bokgwai - 

    My sweet Boggie-Woggie always comes out of the woodwork should I show the slightest sign of desiring more readers. Ok, Boggie-Woggie, I apologize; the only reader I want is you. Happy? Now shut up and finish up that post on the Prydain Chronicles already! And start posting again!

    @resplendentRachel - 

    I was rather picky on my denomination choices, which hurt my matches. As well, I'm INFJ-ish on Meyers-Briggs, which means I'm kind of a mixed introvert-extrovert, which makes me harder to match. Add to it that I'm one of those overly analytical people who rated nearly every category as a 5 or 6 out of 7, ha, and that did in my match chances.

    @MeganBernardy - 

    @dances_in_chucks - 

    Christian Mingle? Never heard of it before. But whatever, I'm not really interested in spending lots of time on Internet dating sites, it's better to meet people in person, and...GOOGLE.COM AND PHOTOSHOP, HERE I COME!!! hahaha

    @ChrisRusso - 

    That's exactly why I'm abstaining from dating until cloning is perfected. Once one member of the female race learns of my sexiness, I'm concerned that they all will want a piece of me, and I'll have to disappoint them by picking one.

  • @GreekPhysique - PWNED!  (In other words, you got me).

    You're right, I let the Prydain Chronicles post slip to the wayside.  I was sooo close to getting it done, and then it got pushed off the table.  Unfortunately, I dont see any time in the near future where I'll be able to work on this.  It might be one of those spur of the moment posts when I unexpectedly find a free block of time.  Thanks for the reminder.  I'll try to keep it higher up on the list of things to do.

  • @Bokgwai - 

    Please do--I finished the books! (*dances around with his dogeared copy of the High King*)

  • @ChrisRusso - You read it too?! That's great! Wow, I can't get used to a world where people listen to me, ha.

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