February 19, 2008
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Fear of Intimacy
It's another evening, and I have a 20 minute drive to return to my home. I pick up my cell phone and start scrolling through the contact list to figure out who will be my co-pilot on my way home. The list of friends scrolls through my phone...
Allison
Carissa
Dan Gerous
Dpap
Dpot
Em
Emoney
And as each name passes, I have a different reason for not calling each friend, a different excuse to delay intimacy:
No, can't talk to them, it's been too long...it's been too short...we never really have anything to talk about...what do I say?..what's my reason for calling?...Is it ok to just pick up the phone and say "hey"?
Enr
Galumph
James
Javen
Jen
Jerm
Oh come on, they want to know how you're doing...but no one cares anyway...oh shut up, you've been in the office too long, pick a name already, you're already on 5th street...I'd call him, but I don't know that we have much in common anymore...but how do you know if you don't call?...come on, guys don't call each other, we just don't do that...shut up and call...he wouldn't call me, would he? Skip him...There's a different reason not to talk to each, and in the end, I call someone from my close circle of friends, skip the rest, and go on my way*. My question is, why does the thought of intimacy, of knowing and being known, become so painful or needlessly complex? What is it about intimacy that makes us refuse to share it with many people who we would consider friends? Some of us even take it further and have problems renewing acquaintances with inanimate objects ; read Nightcometh's perceptive and honest blog on the topic.
I would think (and could be wrong) that most of us have the problem of being too intimate with a few people and not intimate enough with a larger group of people. Why does this happen? What is it about a social exchange, a reciprocal conversation, that intimidates us into walking away? Maybe it's just those of us who are a little more shy (and I would consider myself to be on the shy side, overall), but I tend to think it goes deeper than that. For extraverts, they talk more, but they too can be frustrated that they never really get to share what they most care about. But what is it that holds them back? We need intimacy; why do we refuse to let ourselves be known or to know more about someone else?
*For the record, I think the reason why the phone thing happens to me is I just want tension-free conversation, and calling someone you don't talk to as much becomes awkward quickly, at least at first. Still, why not more variety? Why so much tension about what should be just a harmless conversation?
Comments (13)
Wow.. I thought I was the only person that did that. It's really depressing.. really.
My issue is... whenever I open up to a large group of people, when one person drives me nuts, my entire group is gone. I'm not good at sharing.. (honestly). Also-- I'm extremely cautious with who I open up to. I've always been the quiet one in school. People used to start out attempting to pick on me... but then, I really think they got bored. I never let any of my "secrets" out there to be examined and criticized.
With my small close circle.. I can be honest. If they piss me off-- I get it out. When they're mad at me, I know. There are no rough patches that I've experienced with large groups where people pretend to love everyone.
Yay! Thanks for the link
I'm just telephobic; I hate talking on the phone, even with family. I'd rather talk to a stranger in person, than my best friend on the phone. Seriously.
I have a very good philosophy friend whom I only ever get to see once, maybe twice a year. Yet somehow, every time we talk, we're always on the exact same page, which is really insane, but anyway. He and I were talking about this very thing, and we decided that the problem with treating all others as equals is that, while it's easy to treat strangers as your friends, it's much much harder to treat your friends like strangers. The longer you know a person, the more "seniority" they expect to wield over your time and efforts, and we tend to go along with them on it, because it's easier than rocking the friend-ship (*rim shot*).
Personally, I'm am open book; I figure, if I hold nothing back, nothing can be held against me. But I'm also painfully shy and oppressively introverted, so I'm not really sure how the two are reconciled... but it seems to work out.
I'm an extrovert, a good communicator...or I used to think I was....and the last couple of years I've left a lot of people behind. They didn't do anything wrong, I just didn't feel good; I've been depressed. When I'm myself, being with people energizes me. I become very interested in the people I'm having relationship with. When I'm depressed people are just a burden. Oddly I still get energized by being around people, but getting with people takes such an enormous effort.
I think what we need is to take the other person(s) into account....what best serves them. Giving to others has it's rewards. Withholding from people has it's costs. As believers in Jesus Christ we need to be about doing things God's way, and that always means personal sacrifice. So thanks for this post, and reminding me of how far I'm falling short of God's call lately.
Would you mind taking a long walk off a short pier into shark infested water? (I'm kidding, that is TOTALLY a joke. But the post is convicting)
Good stuff!
Lonnie
Keeping up friendships takes a lot of work. I find that I have to actually go to the place where the friend is and visit with them one on one. Were I to call each of my friends every month, I'd probably spend an hour a day on the phone, talking to each friend for about 20 minutes.
Ah, the curse of moving every few years and making more good friends!
As it's been approximately six years since my last comment, I have a plethora of things to say to you via xanga:
1. "Allison." I know this girl! You should call her; she's really fun. Haha.
2. So sorry about the Valentine's Day incident. Darn you, truck!
3. I'm glad you liked the Valentine's cookies! Oops, now I'm mixing up my social networking sites... don't worry, I'll thank you on facebook, too.
4. RYC (you know... the last one from about 20 weeks ago that I never got around to answering): My mom, dad, dirty laundry basket, and YOU! If I do recall correctly, you have admitted that I am funny. I have no evidence to back this up, but that's my story and I'm stickin to it. Oh, and don't worry, the game WILL be stepped up.
5. I've apparently been absent from xanga for far too long... what are these @thingamajiggers? I'm confused. Granted, it doesn't take much.
6. Regarding this post, for me personally, it's not necessarily that I'm AFRAID of intimacy (although that may be part of it)... I think the main issue is that intimacy with a large number of people is kind of exhausting for me. Although I'm a pretty good mix of introvert and extrovert, I would probably lean slightly more towards introversion, and for me to open up to so many people is just... tiring. So I really only do it with a select few - my best friends. Hmm.. does that make sense?
Wow, it's "Confess Your Fears on Xanga" this week. I'm afraid of windchimes.
@sugarxane - As the size of the group increases, the probability of idiots in the group increases.
@NightCometh - No problem; I'm just surprised it took this long to get to it.
@GermanWrench - This can be tough for shy people; they either tend to say nothing at all, or their deepest, darkest secrets. There's an inbetween setting for us, right? ha.
@BPsAlwaysTurnUp - I think that's the devil's trick to neutralize many of us; convince us that intimacy is too painful, that people really don't need to hear what we have to say. It's a lie, as I've realized in becoming involved with small groups lately; people really do seem to benefit by what I have to share.
@galumph - It's a funny dilemma; makes me almost not want to try to make friends while I'm here, because it'll be harder to keep up with them later. So when are you coming to visit me?
ha.
@sunflower2457 - 5.) These at symbols make it clear who you are directing your comment toward in the comment section, and it also makes it easy to know when someone has replied to you in a comment section. 6.) Same here on being a mix of introvert and extravert with slightly introvert shading, although it seems lately like I'm blabbing life details to the entire Internet.
@tooting_bec - Really? Oh, that's too bad, I read your post about it. Here, watch this video of kitty cats playing: http://youtube.com/watch?v=vsZH9QM7Dr4 Or is that a wind chimes video? "oops". haha. (I'm only teasing tootingbec because she said in the post she's not afraid of wind chimes in general).
LOL, yes I am certainly a member of the pale team..really bad right now too! It is funny that you comment because I was researching sunless tanners right before I checked xanga. I figure I'll start with that so I don't blind everyone at the beach and hope to get a real (but safe) tan when I'm out in the sun. If you see some horrible glare in the southern sky you'll know where I am
When I come,you'll have to remember not to make it diamonds. *snort*
When I start scrolling through my phone while driving, I almost wreck, which chases out any potentially lonely thoughts pretty quickly.
this has nothing to do with your post, but i totally gave you a shout out on my OTHER blog. lol, check it out.
"I would think (and could be wrong) that most of us have the problem of being too intimate with a few people and not intimate enough with a larger group of people."
Great line; much truth.
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