April 20, 2008
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Nice Guy Series: Who Cares about the Nice Guy?
Recently, Xanga John put out the following post on the "nice guy" phenomenon: http://www.xanga.com/john/652379690/nice-guys.html . I agree that his points are true and good, although I think there is more to say. For whatever reason, nice guys have become THE dating demographic to analyze; I read more posts about them than maybe even about players (male or female players). However, I feel that previous Xanga work, including my own, is missing some very important points about what is and is not wrong about nice guys. As I just did the post on pickiness, I want to follow up and see whether pickiness against dating "nice guys" is right or not.
Before I start rambling, I want to give you some chances to give your own opinions:
(1) Why is analyzing a "nice guy" so popular? There are many different kinds of boys a woman can date; why this obsession with the "nice guy" category? Is it because you females know so many "nice guys", or because "nice guys" tend to write on Xanga?
(2) What is the female version of a "nice guy"? No, it's not a nice girl--think harder than that. I think the answer may surprise you and help you realize what the nice guy debate is missing.
Comments (16)
1. I think people are becoming obsessed with "nice guys" b/c they are looking for the ideal companion, and maybe they're trying to decide if the "nice guy" stereotype might make one.
2. Hmm, let's see. I'm not sure if I can answer this one. I thought my husband was a nice guy, but he wasn't. He did some damage to my psyche. I'm not sure my definition of a nice guy is accurate anymore. Think I'll wait and see what others have to say about this. It's a fascinating topic!
1) Celestial Rose made a good point there. Also there is that popular notion that "nice guys finish last" and maybe those who claim to be nice guys who have been burned in the past now use that adage to justify their bitterness? I don't really know.
2) I don't know, a doormat or submissive girl? A promiscuous girl? I have never really been "out there" so I actually I have no idea. I look forward to some other responses.
Why is analyzing a "nice guy" so popular? There are many different kinds of boys a woman can date; why this obsession with the "nice guy" category?
because people have no idea how to be original anymore
I think the nice guy phenomena is based on the ratio of men who *think* they're nice guys divided by the number of women who don't think they know any nice guys at all. (heh only half joking) I do think there are an awful lot of men who have high, unwarranted opinions of themselves. Not that they can't be nice, but they use being nice as a tool to get what they want. There aren't really that many guys out there who are just nice (and most of them are gay or taken to quote the stereotype), but there are a lot of guys out there who act nice to "lure a girl in" so to speak. I mean, if you're just being nice as a means to an end, can you really be considered a nice guy? And yes, all the nice guys I know really are gay or taken.
Beyond that, the "nice guy" girl is the one whose friends are always trying to set up because she has a great personality. Then the guy who is being set up on the blind date thinks, oh great... she's a dog. The "nice girl" is the pretty wallflower who waits and waits for some guy to notice her while he's off drooling over a centerfold. The "nice girl" is patient and modest and goes pretty much unnoticed until a certain age when men start to look for personality over model-beauty. So you don't tend to notice the "nice girl" until she's in her thirties or forties, I think.
In this context, the terms "nice guy" and "nice girl" do not exactly refer to guys and girls who are nice (kind/ pleasant). It actually refers to subset of nice people who are nice, but considered relatively unattractive. They're unable to arouse the opposite sex's sexual interest for one reason or another, whether it be lack of good looks, a sexy body, confidence, etc.
First of all, I apologize if I sounded...well, crabby in my comment on your previous post. I didn't intend to lash out at all - but I often crusade, per se, for Sona's family and the struggles they've endured. I appreciate your recognition. Thank you! (Puppies and rainbows!)
Women jump to "nice guys" after they've been burned by the "bad boys" or any other stereotype. "Nice guys" are assumed "safe" and therefore desirable after a woman has been through the ringer.
I would say that the "nice guy" girl is either what harmony0stars or squeakysoul said. Nice girls are unassuming, have low expectations and are typically bland. They are passive, pleasant, plain (personality-wise) and polite. (Alliteration at its best!) I don't think throwing in physical attributes is fair, however. Nice girls have been used and abused - nothing that necessarily reflects in their outward appearance. Beautiful women can be treated as objects which in turn makes them a "nice girl." Nice girls have baggage, but they handle it on their own.
At least that's my take!
I honestly don't have a good answer to either question. I just want to know why the typical "nice guy" is never the "hot" guy. lol
ryc: The date already took place, and he really couldn't be boyfriend material anyway. I'm moving to the other side of the country in 3 weeks.
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i'm interested to see what you have to say, but i really really agree with xanga john's post. there's a difference between being "nice" and being extremely passive. women don't want passivity. we want a man who can stand up and be a man.
as far as the "nice girl" goes, i would describe her as being very gun-shy and hurt. i could say much more, but i really want to see other people's takes on this.
ooo... good topic... hmm wish i had a good answer.. haha.. I forgot what a nice guy was, but of course I don't really know what a bad guy is either. I really can't tell anymore, I mean just because a guy is sort of nerdy doesn't mean he's an automatic nice guy which many chicks may think. Thas for sure.
1. I think the stereotype of the "nice guy" is dissected so much because guys who believe themselves to be "nice guys," whether or not they are actually nice, who feel that they are getting the short end of the stick or believe that they are being left dateless because of all of the other types of guys out there. The so-called "nice guy" stereotype is often (but not always) a cover for bitterness.
2. Bitterness affects women as well. The girl version of "nice guy" would probably be someone who sees their self as a "nice girl," whether or not they are actually nice, who feel that they are being left dateless because they don't fit the typical model of what they think guys want (hotness, prettiness, etc.).
1. I think that the "nice guy" is so often examined because it simply doesn't make much sense. The player makes sense: he does everything "right" and, typically, gets what he's out for. The "nice guy" does great things, but rarely gets anything in return...and doing something for nothing is somewhat foreign to the culture we live in.
2. The female equivalent of the "nice guy" is the "one of the guys" girl. She's around all the time, she understands the guys' thoughts and how they feel about everything, and yet she's often not even seen for her potential for the same reasons.
@meggiemay0307 - You figured out the answer! I'm impressed, girl, give me five! Yes, the female equivalent of the nice guy is the "one of the guys" girl--the tomboy, if you will.
1. I don't know why people analyze "nice guys".
2. I don't particularly want a "nice guy". I want to date a MAN. A man who is willing to take care of me and let me take care of him. Perhaps when women say we want a nice guy, what we mean is someone who doesn't do drugs, commit crimes, and who won't cheat on us.
@Southernlass - Correct! When women say they want a "nice guy", they mean "don't try to steal my parents car like the last guy did". Of course, most of the nice guys only figure that out after years of failure.
Definitely should have change the background by now
. I'm never really good at those things but I figure my life is changing a lot recently so why not my xanga page also? Like the post also. I don't have anything profound to say but it definitely got me thinking.
Never stopped to think what defines a nice guy to begin with.
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