May 10, 2008
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Mystery Conversations, Volume 1
This is the first in an occasional series that highlights a special part of my lunacy. At times I start talking to myself. I decided to take it a step farther for comedic purposes, and talk to both inanimate objects and odd people. I won't tell you which type I'm talking to or who/what it is until the end...see if you can guess!
GP: We have to break up, you know.
Why? We've been together for so long!
GP: I turned 28 a month ago, and ever since then, I feel I have outgrown you. We've been together for TOO long!
We've grown together, baby. Our love is a decade long, still going strong!
GP: If you knew me better, you'd know I do not like being called baby. That's what I hate about you; one minute it feels like you know and love me, and then the next minute, I can't get you to return my calls and you pretend you don't speak English. Stop teasing me!
Me? Tease? Oh, you just have to get me in the right mood. You're just catching me on a bad day, dear. And I've done so much for you! Remember those girls I introduced you to?
GP: You mean the ones who talked to me for a few weeks and disappeared once I actually decided I cared about them? Thanks for nothing! And speaking of your bad days, you kept me so busy today that I nearly missed a major deadline. Why won't you listen when I tell you I have work to do? It's like a game for you, isn't it--the busier I am, the more interested in me you are? You're sick!
(giggles) It's a coincidence! Really it is!
GP: And why is it that every time I think you really do care about me, you pull back? We have such great conversations, but when it's time to do something in "real life", you always have something going on. What's up with that?
Now, now, a lot of people want to see and spend time with me. You must just have bad luck. Just try harder to please me, and I'll have more for you.
GP: Ok, I admit we work really well together. For some reason, I'm my real self around you; I'm able to communicate with others in a crisp way that I can't always manage without you. And you have taught me some really cool lessons over the years that might have taken decades to learn without you.There you go, darling, remember the good parts. Here, I saved a Youtube video for you that you'll enjoy. Take a look, sweetie.
GP: There you go again! Always placating me with little weird gifts, aren't you? Your toys and trinkets are fun for a while, but when are you going to give me something worth keeping? something tangible?
I've been practicing my singing, want to hear? la-la-la
GP: I give up. This is getting ridiculous. I can't be with you any more. The highs are amazing, but I can't take the lows anymore. It's over, Mrs. Internet.
The Internet: It's Miss Internet, honey. Miss.
GP: No, it's Mrs., because you will never belong to me, never truly pay me back for the time and intimacy I give you. We're breaking up.The Internet: It's Miss because you'll miss me. Now shut up and finish writing this so that people will give you Xanga comments and you'll have to spend even more time with me.
GP: Sigh. Can you at least get rid of a few pop-up ads, give me a few friendly stalkers who love sending me baked goods in the mail, and be boring when I have important real-life things going on?
The Internet: Oh, sure, I'll do my usual routine of cleaning up my act for a few days until you spend more time with me, followed by making you feel stupid for believing me. Now let me show you what I have in Facebook profiles today--you won't BELIEVE who just got into a relationship!
Comments (14)
You can never rid your self of Miss Internet. It is the "fatal attraction" of the now and future.
@Botolf -
You mean you know her too? She's so easy! haha.
Haha, I know what you're talking about.
I laughed so hard at this. great post!
Even I know miss internet. She really is easy.
and maybe you'd get more mailed baked goods if you put your address on here. How are all your adoring stalkers supposed to mail you baked goods if you don't tell them where to send them?
I guessed it was a cell phone about a quarter of the way through. I guess I was close enough. I win. lol. As long as you're not breaking up with Xanga!
BONKERS!! Always happens to the good ones in the end....they go BONKERS....OFF THE DEEP END....F****** CRAZY.....NUTTERVILLE.....BRAINS TURNED TO MAC&CHEESE!
Hope sanity returns to you, but I'm not holding my breath
lol, yeah, you know they say talking to yourself is the first sign of insanity, talking to yourself and losing arguments is the second... I'm not sure where arguments with ephemeral electric non-entities puts you.
But if you're looking for a way to block pop ups... I recently downloaded firefox and it's great! It also blocks most spyware. Amazing really. And if you're anything like me and have numerous windows open at a time, firefox uses tabs and windows, so you can open related tabs in the same window and cut down on jumping from window to window. And it's free.
LOL so funny...
*gollum, gollum*
ha ha ha...! Very nice... Sounds a little familiar... only in reverse, of course.
@wisewoman83 -
HA! I finally got that. So I had better throw away the Internet soon before it gets more of a hold, then, right? Hmm...
Hahahaha, loved it.
I've been having an affair with her for...oh, about 8 of the ten years you've been in a relationship with her. Sorry, dude.
Seconding the firefox recommendation, though I rather assume you already know about it.
=)
I've had this saved in my Bloglines for a couple days, because this is me and my argument with Mr. Internet every day. Because really, only a male could frustrate/distract/tempt me so.
I guessed it! I guessed it! Also, thanks for being such a faithful reader and commenter.
And yes, if you are using IE - stop. Use firefox as proposed by a couple people above. SOOOOO much better. Or rather use anything but IE, though that wont really help with most of your relationship issues with Miss Internet.
Comments are closed.