June 10, 2008

• How to Make Good Comments

  Thank you for your responses to the last post--of course, thanks to some of you more than others, heh. A few kind souls asked me "What is a good comment, then?" This is a fair question. It's not fair of me to criticize commenters and then not offer any alternatives!  Why do I think commenting is so important?

  I believe each comment is an opportunity to build a relationship with someone, to share, to know and be known. In fact, before leaving my first comment, I often read the person's last five posts, check their blog-rings, and look at their pictures. If I don't think we can become friends, or don't think I can provide the person with anything they don't already have, I'll often leave without leaving a comment. That's how seriously I take comments (a bit extreme, I admit). Done right, you can reward someone for the hard work they put into posts and maybe even make a friendship that extends past Xanga into real life. A comment section can become a party, as each person builds on the other's comments and laughs at the comment before. Or, when other readers of a Xanga see the comments you'll leave, they'll come and check out your site! Done wrong...well, much needless suffering and arguments result, and that's too bad.

  Here are five tips that I try to follow in giving and receiving comments. PLEASE feel free to add your own tips. This is only my style, and everyone has different styles.

  1. Commenting on other people's pages is a privilege, not a right.

  Rejected title: Pee on my carpet again and I'll put the diaper on you myself.

  It takes me 45 minutes on average to write a post from beginning to end. I'm sure it takes some other people even longer. So when I post on someone's work, I try to show some respect. They don't have to enable comments. They can delete my comment if they want to. It is THEIR house, not mine. That's why I deliberately made it tough for commenters on my last post. Too many people try to swagger into featured posts as if it's their site, and it is rude.

  On the other hand...

  2. A comment is a gift, not a duty.

  Rejected title: If you want a handout, go to the Rescue Mission.

  A person who has left me a comment has spent energy to log in, type in their comment, and hit submit. That's worth something to me. I have no right to demand comments from people, or beg for them. I try not to be depessing, ask for pity comments, or otherwise make people feel obligated to comment here. If the person is sincerely trying to dialogue with me, I need to leave their comment up and admit they are right, even if that comment makes me look stupid.

  3. If you must compliment, be original and say what you like about the post.

  Rejected title: Many may compliment her curves, but shrewd is the man who compliments her for setting the class curve.

  Hmm, that is one weak rejected title. Anyway, my point is, people like approval, and sincere admiration always makes for a good comment. But the way to really make an impression is to tell the writer what you like about the post in detail, and make sure to not just mimic everyone else's comment. Or, start a running inside joke with the Xangan. Sometime I'll post on how to establish emotional intimacy, perhaps--it's a fascinating issue.

  For example, I was most impressed by the commenters in the last post who made jokes about the smores and the fire. That's one of the last things I mentioned, and if you make jokes about that, it proves you read my whole post and really thought about the post. However, no one seemed to notice my tags for the post--what, no one thought me tagging my post "FeaturedBait" was funny? Notice those little touches, and you get my attention.

  4. If you must criticize, start with a compliment and stay away from personal attacks.

  Rejected title: Butter them up before tossing them into the fire.

  Let's be honest. Even our best Xanga friends can make stupid posts sometimes. But at least start out your post by saying hello and being polite. Also, one has to pick their battles. For example, a commenter took offense to one of my posts. In my opinion, she misunderstood me completely, and I was tempted to respond rather angrily that she was being dense. But I tried to be nice and humor the poor ignorant soul. However, later on, I found that she was actually quite gifted--a near genius. If I had decided to criticize her as dumb just based on her Xanga, I would have lost the opportunity to make a new Xanga friend. I'm glad I kept my mouth shut.

  Here's how I would have criticized my last post: "Hey GreekPhysique, way to get on featured! But I hope you realize that many of the people commenting on featured posts are first-time visitors or new Xangans. They are just posting to be part of the conversation. Take it easy on them, my friend--not everyone has been on Xanga for years. Maybe you could post some on their pages and help them learn how to comment?"

  The comment is a delicious criticism, because it forces me to show my true self. If I just did that post to insult people, then I have to admit that I'm not really interested in helping new Xangans...but if I really did that post out of caring for a better Xanga conversation, then I'd better answer that commenter's question properly. Slither like a snake, coo like a dove, ha.

  So maybe you already are a skilled commenter, and you're excited at how people are appreciating your skills. However, there are times where you want to correct a post just to help the person. For example, you may find a Xangan who seems like a sweet person, but has problems with an addiction or is making a terrible dating choice. They don't see how unhappy they are, but you do, and you feel like helping. Should you? Well...

  5. A five-minute comment can't undo a lifetime of lies.
  

  Rejected title: Stop feeding caviar to the pigs!

  I have tried before to help some Xangans with various addiction issues or warped world views. But I've found that it's ridiculous to think that a few true words from me will change a lifetime of bad habits. All the anorexics on Xanga aren't going to get healthy by me commenting "Mix in a burger or two with your lemon water."  I have to be willing to make a long-term investment in the person if I want to help them make serious changes in life. And I won't do that unless the following is true:

  * The person is willing to change.

  * Their problems are simple enough to be helped without the assistance of a psychiatrist or minister.

  * Even if my efforts fail, I believe they are worth the effort.

  Otherwise, let it go. Yes, it's sad...but your meddling may even do more harm than good, if you rush in, criticize the person, and then leave. That's what bothers me about some of the religious/political/sexual debates on Xanga. If you aren't willing to engage that person who is "SO WRONG" in a conversation, then your loud shouting of your beliefs does more harm than good. The question is, do you care about helping the person improve, or do you care about being right? 

  Anyway, I wanted to wait before posting again, but I felt I owed those commenters who asked a better explanation.
  

  • 11:47 pm
  • 101 Comments