October 16, 2008
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The War on Boys and Girls: No End in Sight
I wonder if we'll ever come to terms with how many of the problems adults face are partly the result of harm done to them in their youth. You are no doubt familiar with the grim statistics on how many young girls are sexually abused, molested, or raped before 18. Laying aside the physical and emotional trauma, what bothers me the most is how this destroys what is at the essence of womanhood. Women love to display beauty, to befriend beauty, and to be beautiful. When they are sexually abused, it sends a message that being beautiful and expressing beauty is only to invite hurt and pain. So the woman embarks on so many paths that she was never meant to trod. She may insist on wearing sweatshirts and formless clothing to never be beautiful again (and thus be left alone), or flaunting her beauty and being sexually promiscuous to try to convince herself that she is in control now and always has been. At times I wonder if some (not ALL, just SOME) of the ED and cutting phenomena is not an attempt by women to pretend that their own body is responsible for the trauma and thus must be punished.
Or take the young boy who was bullied by the neighborhood kids or beaten by a drunken father. What happens when he grows up, becomes a man, and wants to lead or show strength? Here, too, the foundations of his gender have been attacked. Don't underestimate the effect of physical violence on a boy. The lesson is that his strength is not enough, and that when he tries to fight back, he will be mercilessly silenced. So he learns to be passive and not make waves, or he buys a gun and makes sure that a twitch of his finger buys him and his friends Smith and Wesson the right to be heard. And here I wonder if the some of the brutal varieties of video games or sex films (not ALL, just SOME) have their roots in men trying to compensate for what was taken from them years ago.
What's the economic cost of losing so many leaders? What's the social cost of losing so many potential friends and lovers? What's the artistic cost of having creativity buried underneath so much baggage? Is it countable?
Comments (18)
I wear big comfy hoodies all the time and I wasn't abused. Although I guess I am sorta hiding. Mostly just trying to be modest though.
And just plain old teasing can be pretty damaging to us girls too.
is it countable when in this great america is that going to be adressed with furvor..excellent post my friend,,blessings of peace be with you.
This took a turn that I did not expect from the title. It makes sense, but I was expecting more a post regarding education methods and such.
I often ask these questions as well. In my own circle of acquaintance, the number of abuse victims I've known is a pretty high percentage. I grieve for these children (and some, now adults) who have been forever impacted by how adults or peers have treated them. Sometimes I just wish the Lord would return and this earthly life would be over - we are in need of God's transforming power.
i was never abused, but always wore hoodies from being teased my whole life about being flat-chested in middle school (still am, i guess they let it go?) i realized it wasnt worth holding it in when the guys who teased me--are now hitting on me, so idk?
This stream of thought is more present in my mind lately based on the people I'm working with. Young girls, barely 18 that turned to sex in their later HS years. Others with countless scars up the length of their arms. So many that turned to drugs. Girls that don't know how to dress because they are told their beauty is a hindrance to men and must be hidden. Girls that don't know how to behave around men because of a year where speaking to men resulted in discipline.
@Carolina17 - I agree 100%! My grandfather used to tease me, my sisters and girl cousins mercilessly...and in good fun. However, I was such a sensitive little thing that I learned to hate myself. I hid my body and hated my face. In fact, one of my earliest memories is of looking into a mirror when I was.....gosh, about 4 or so, thinking I looked very ugly and being ashamed! My father also, in good fun, used to sing songs that belittled fat women and I lived in terror of being fat and actually believing I was fat from a very young age. I wasn't. I know that by looking back at my pictures, but I couldn't see that at the time.
Teasing can be very damaging to a little girl.
re: my above comment to Carolina17
The funny thing was that I was well liked, Homecoming Queen candidate, Prom Queen, May Day Queen Candidate in college, and was asked by town leaders to run for Miss Martin County just after high school. None of it convinced me that I was pretty. I just thought there was no one else to run or that it was because I was friendly....most because I was friendly. I could not accept love or admiration though I was desperate for it.
This is an excellent post. You have wonderful insight.
peace.
tee
Man, this is so on point.
All the abuse really damages people more than we sometimes realize...and goes on much more often.
Thank you Thankyou! Someone is listening. There is almost ALWAYS more behind the comments than the naked eye can see. Abuse, sexual, physical self harm.... WAKE UP church!! People are screaming to be heard....loved. And we sit by and judge. critisize, condemn. The greatest gift we can give is to love. If we do not love we have nothing!
For all the pain and broken hearts...I am sorry
You have made valid points. There are many statistics that do point to sexual abuse as a main cause of eating disorders.
I appreciate your saying the "just some, not all" though. Because you are right. Sexual abuse isn't the full cause of either the cutting or the eating disorder epidemic.
Wonderful post.
Oh and by the way, thank you for the comment on my last post. No one has ever phrased it to me just how selfish cutting really is. Thank you.
Dude, great post!
@SecretLifeOfAl - You're welcome, Alina.
So many things we do are selfish at their core...we are indeed creatures of flesh and blood thinking of ourselves first most of the time.
If this could be put any more eloquently and truthfully and powerfully, I have not yet read such author's words. I, too, am aware of the brutal attack on the hearts of our boys and girls. And I'm aware of the pain today's grown men and women face (I'm one of them, though maybe not as deeply). And I wonder if any of us are still aware of God's words; the warning He gave us...that our sins will continue on to the 7th generation because we would not obey. Our children suffer because we won't see past our selfish noses. While our children learn that they, too, can make choices, they are hindered because we did not teach them which are the right ones to make and how to properly make them.
It cuts my soul into shreds of bitter tears every time.
Hey, this - "... an attempt to pretend their own body is responsible for the trama and thus must be punished." -is how it was for me. thankyou for putting words to my thoughts.
This was really well written..I was lucky enough not to have been abused or bullied growing up, but I have seen it in my friends and acquaintances. It's truly heartbreaking, so I can only hope that we will be able to figure out how to help those who have been hurt.
that was a very accurate post. I know a lot of people who fit both of those descriptions. Good insight.
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