October 17, 2008
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How Many Compliments does a Gentleman Give?
Recently I've noticed how powerful a good compliment can be for a woman. In fact, I would joke that compliments are like drugs (or even worse, chocolate!) for a woman, ha. Give her just one compliment, and soon enough she'll be back for another one. One might even say that giving compliments has the same effect on a woman that a revealing outfit has on a man; both genders seem hardwired to be attracted by such signals.
Aside--I usually dislike the term "gentleman", but it fits well for this topic, so I used it.
However, the question is, how often should a man compliment the women in his life who he is NOT trying to attract? I certainly know several beautiful, talented women, and I could spend quite a bit of time extolling how wonderful they are. I don't want to romantically pursue them at this time, but I do hope they feel special and lovely, because they are. Sounds like I should be throwing out compliments like politicians make promises, right?
However, after a certain point, doesn't it become kind of, err, slutty to do so? Wouldn't effusive compliment-giving be the equivalent of a woman who intentionally wears as little clothing as possible? Shouldn't compliments between a man and a woman who are not going out together be rather rare, or at least focused on items having nothing to do with looks? (Yes, I know compliments aren't only for looks!). Isn't it leading people on, or taking over a job that only a boyfriend/husband should have? It seems like one is taking the first step toward a real relationship, but then not following through.
I debated whether I should even ask my audience, but this question keeps coming back to mind recently. So let me know what you think. What do you consider to be honest and fair? Do you feel cheated if someone gives you a compliment, and then turns around and gives another person a compliment immediately after--as if they're just flattering everyone? Or do you believe that there is no way to go wrong in giving compliments, as long as the person is sincere in their admiration.
Comments (46)
i believe as long as they are sincere then there is no right or wrong way to give a compliment or right or wrong amount. Slather it on to thick though, no matter how sincere then it has the appearance of being insincere. One also needs to take into account the person they are complimenting as some people dont take compliments very well. Its another one of those "it all depends" kinda of things i guess.
I've never thought about this much. I'm fairly stingy with my compliments because I want them to mean something when I give them.
I'll tell my fiancee "You look great" on any given day, but I save "Holy crap, you look gorgeous" for the days when she went to some extra effort--a new dress, her hair done up, ect. Likewise, I'll tell anyone "You did good" after a stage performance of some kind, but I'll save "That was incredible" for the Oscar-worthy ones. Know what I mean?
In terms of complimenting people's looks who are not my fiancee, I'll do it but I've noticed I do try to keep it localized on a certain aspect of the person, and yet a general statement. ("She was really dressed nice" rather than "I really liked that blouse," "You have great hair" rather than "Your hairstyle is really pretty.") It's also something I don't do particularly often unless the conversation calls for it: seeing a photograph of someone or being asked about someone's looks.
Words of Affirmation are a love language, just like Touch and Quality Time and Acts of Service and Gifts are. Thus in some ways the same rules should apply.
Would I give a gift to someone of the opposite sex that I wasn't dating? Sure. But I wouldn't keep doing it over and over when it wasn't Christmas or birthdays. Would I touch someone of the opposite sex that I wasn't dating? Absolutely. But it wouldn't be the same degree of touch, nor the same amount. Would I spend time with someone of the opposite sex that I wasn't dating? Sure would. But it wouldn't be as exclusively or as frequently as I do with my fiancee. Problems occur otherwise.
Likewise with Words of Affirmation: by all means give them, but not too much or too often--or else you may be communicating something you do not intend. So yeah, Greek, I can see how effusively complimenting everyone could be sort of "slutty" in a way.
Compliments aren't bad to give. But, I've seen girls work their wonders with giving compliments to each other. It gets to the point where it's habitual to compliment someone just because you bumped into the person and you don't know what else to say. "Oh, your hair looks beautiful!, I love your dress! Where did you get that??, You look so hot!!, What a cute purse! Where did you get that??, YOUR SHOES ARE SOO CUTE, OMG you look so pretty with make up on, awwWw you look so cute today!"... I mean... I'm not saying it's a bad thing. It's just become a new language. A new way of communication because when someone compliments you, you immediately check out the person to see what you could compliment in return, to be kind. Most of the time it's not going to be genuine, just nice.
I usually just simply say... Hey. upon bumping into friends.
As far as opposite genders complimenting each other goes, I agree that if it's a sincere compliment of admiration, then keep them coming. Everyone likes it when they're noticed/appreciated. I make sure to compliment people on what I see is admirable. Spread the happy. lol
I only give compliments when I mean them. I don't want to lie to make people feel better about themselves.
But you're quite right, I do LOVE compliments hehe.
haha did you get this idea after reading my posts?
I am an idealist, and I like complimenting people. I have been cautioned by women at my workplace (whom I respect) that there can be too much of a good thing when it comes to regularly dropping compliments on female coworkers. They're always innocuous things too, but apparently even those should be given just on occasion or not at all depending on the coworker.
I say, as long as it is true and sincere, go ahead. If your mind isn't romantically tuned, they (the compliments) will probably come out less often. What I mean is, when you are trying to 'woo' someone, you tend to look for -every- and any reason to throw out a compliment. Often, you repeat them, too. Don't repeat the same compliment to a girl in whom you are not romantically interested or it will seem like you are.
I don't think compliments are cheapened by being given to multiple people, however, it is very true that making a habit of giving a girl compliments does mess with her head. Personally, I tend to keep my head on straight when compliments are confined to my talents, but as soon as it goes to any physical features, I start wondering if the guy likes me. However, I do love it, and it doesn't mess with my head, when a guy says something like "you look really cool in that shirt" or "that dress looks really good on you." That sends my confidence soaring, and you can bet I wear those items of clothing a lot more often.
hmm there are many layers to this whole post... for one thing, i find this quote intriguing:
"I certainly know several beautiful, talented women, and I could spend
quite a bit of time extolling how wonderful they are. I don't want to
romantically pursue them at this time"... hmm i get the impression that you are not involved with anyone and could be extolling the commentary with an agenda in mind? but in response to the last question(s)... i say that if the compliment is genuine, then feel free to compliment all others behind me, i am still happy!.. however, i will not be considering you romantically if that is your intent.. in conclusions, if the goal is to make a woman feel good, then give her a compliment and how ever many other as you would like.. if you want to make her feel "special" in the you know kind of way then give her a compliment and keep it only to her... that is the main difference there...
What's so wrong with saying whatever is on your mind if it could brighten somebody's day?
I think most people can tell whether or not compliments are sincere or if it's just because somebody wants something.
But I will say that I do feel weird giving compliments to people that are my superiors because I don't want them to think I'm being a brown-noser. I do not brown-nose!
I dislike compliments from someone introducing themselves to me for the first time online. Saying "You're so beautiful!" when they've never conversed with me seems insincere and is a turn off. In person, I might appreciate having the ice broken by someone saying "Nice shoes!" But that's not really what you asked.
I think frequent, very personal compliments from a guy friend would make me think he had romantic interest, so I would hope he'd avoid that if he didn't want to send the wrong message. However, when the relationship has been established as clearly platonic, or if the compliments are occasional, it can be a real encouragement to have a guy friend mention something he appreciates about me. It makes me feel "At least my singleness isn't because men in general don't see value in me!"
I think mostly avoiding comments about appearance would be best for a platonic friend, but it's nice to hear something like "You make me laugh" or "I had a fun time hanging out the other day." Use your discretion, but also realize it's the woman's responsibility to guard her heart and not read more into a compliment without good reason.
Incidentally, the thought you put into your actions towards women is impressive. It's nice to see that there are men who want to be honoring to the Lord and to women in how they behave. Good for you.
@lisadoremi - I find this a lot with a friend of mine - she can't seem to greet me without commenting on my appearance. At first this was nice, but now I feel obligated to comment on hers, too, whether or not anything really stands out. What's wrong with just saying "Hi" to your girl friends? I feel like I'm insulting her if I don't return the "You look really nice today."
I have issues with reciprocating gifts, too, lol.
UGH! There is [almost] nothing worse than someone who doles out compliment after compliment. It's like trying to buy friends, only the purchaser gets nothing in return save for a mild ego boost.
As long as a person is sincere, they should never hesitate to compliment. Usually a compliment, no matter how seemingly insignificant, can make a person's day. However, I would warn against the dangers of being a compliment whore. Some people could get the wrong idea.
I really don't think too hard if somebody gives me a compliment, and then gives someone else another compliment right after. Usually, if I know the complimenter, I can tell if they're being fake or not.
As for whether I would compliment someone I wasn't dating, well sure, but like ChrisRusso said, not in the same degree. You don't lather it on like butter, you sprinkle them on like parsley.
@ChrisRusso - Sounds like somebody's been reading The Five Love Languages.
Hmm. Compliments are good when they are sincere. I always feel weird receiving compliments... I have no idea why. Maybe it is because I never really believe them, and when I do it is rare. I always appreciate the effort though. I don't give out many complements either, I try to limit them for special occasions. Making sure that the other person knows I am being honest is very important to me. I'd hate to come across as fake.
It is always best to give an encouranging word when you think someone needs a lift.
Okay, here's what I think. I'm a very analytical girl. So, when someone compliments me, whether it be a guy or a girl, I can't really enjoy it. I spend the next few minutes trying to figure out why they said that... because clearly, they must want something from me. I think that also has to do with my poor self-image. So, I think, I can't really deserve that compliment, so they must be trying to manipulate me. I have a hard time accepting compliments.
But, I also know that girls read wayyyyy to much into compliments sometimes. It's nice to get compliments from guys who aren't interested, but you need to make it clear that you aren't. Because many girls will take that compliment as your way to express interest in them. Girls want to know if they are lovely and if you express that (whether it be about their physical loveliness or the loveliness of their personality), you are fulfilling a deep desire within them. I would advise men to take caution when complimenting a girl.
I think for me it comes down to a couple of things;
a. Words of affirmation being somebodies love language- if this is the case then a well timed/placed authentic compliment can be a little love buzz for the soul.
b. Everybody likes genuine praise for jobs well done.
c. If a well placed compliment is like a little love buzz then flattery is like the black liquid sludge that settles on the water after an oil spill- I don't like it very much.
d. Even a well placed, compliment can be taken the wrong way if you are a desperado that hasn't had one for a while.
x
Sorry for talking in point form, it helps me think.
I think you kind of have to know the person well enough to know if she will think the compliments are a come on and be aware that there are SOME women who think every man that looks at or talks to her wants her. If you don't feel that's the case I think compliments that are sincere between friends/acquaintances/co-workers are perfectly fine. I have quite a few male acquaintances that never fail to tell me how nice I look in certain outfits or compliment how pretty my hair is when I wear it down and I never think they are pursuing me romantically but that they simply appreciate a pretty woman. Or it could be that I go around too much in jeans and no make up that they are shocked when I look good. Whichever...it's always nice to receive a sincere compliment.
I'm not gonna lie... I love a nice compliment. However, not always... some guys can give compliments that bring me back for more, and some make me turn and run, or at least feel terribly awkward. I'm not even sure how to describe why they differ... But if it's a guy that I may or may not be interested in who gives me a compliment it's an awesome feeling.
I have several guy friends [who for one reason or another we are both well aware of the fact that we are 'just friends'] who are excellent at giving compliments w/out any awkward tension. They don't dwell on it, they just mention that I look nice today or whatever and move on. It's nice to know that guy's notice things like that.
And, if a guy is giving no other signals of interest, a compliment on it's own should not [not saying it won't] lead a girl on. A compliment with extra time devoted to her and nice actions as well will make her think you're madly in love. hehe. That is, if she's anything like me.
ps. What about the other way? I know that guys need to be complimented and encouraged as much [or more] than most girls do. If my guy friend is doing something nice for me [like opening a door, refilling my drink, being a gentleman] I try to make sure he knows that I noticed. That doesn't mean I 'like' him, though I think sometimes the guy gets the wrong impression. I'm not going to stop complimenting just because it scares guys away. Ya'll deserve it! Okay... maybe I should rethink the scaring guys away part... lol.
honest: yes
fair: no
I could pretty much take bits and pieces from what everyone above me has said. I'm in pieces - bits and pieces. Since you left me and you said goodbye... Sorry. I think I randomly break into song far too often, but actually, that song is sort of fitting. Anyways.
A compliment can be very powerful for a woman. Just that you've been thinking about this matter makes me wonder if you've had issues with girls thinking you're romantically interested when you're not. I really think you have to kind of read each situation separately. Not saying you shouldn't give out compliments because if that is part of your personality, then you shouldn't suppress it, but there are signs when you know you should probably back off. Unless you're completely dense, you should probably be able to notice if a girl warms up to you a bit too much after a few compliments. If that wasn't your intention, you probably need to back off on the nice-ness.
Effusive compliment giving can be considered slutty, but moreso if the compliments aren't really individualized. Or if you turn and whisper to your friend something completely opposite right after giving the compliment.
Some girls have bad attitudes towards compliments, too. Some have low self-esteem. Others may think you're just like every other guy trying to hit on her.
Overall though, I would be more careful complimenting female friends. I don't want to say don't do it because many girls need to be complimented much more than they are and they need to really believe them, but you can't be their sole compliment giver. You can't be the source of their esteem. They'll cling to you and be crushed if you ever leave or stop giving compliments.
When a man compliments me, I smile, say thank you, and get on with my day. I know some women, however, that get extremely attached to that person-- and quickly. So, the unfortunate answer I'd have to give is that it really varies depending on the person. At an appropriate time, you can compliment anyone, but on a regular basis, you must be careful to stick with women who won't misinterpret your intentions.
I think ChrisRusso hit the nail on the head. He said basically all that I was going to say, I just didn't want to seem uninterested and not comment. So this is me saying "what he said."
I think it depends on the level of friendship that is established. There are some guys I know that give compliments that make me feel weird... but others, whom I am closer to and trust more, who could give infrequent compliments and I would be encouraged. I think the line is drawn when the compliments are very specific, frequent, and personal. I agree with another commenter here, that if you're pursuing a woman, you're more inclined to dish out the flowery words. But if there's no intent on your part for romantic pursuit, then carefully place a general compliment on the table. Watch her reaction, though, as it will be a clue as to whether or not she believes you're interested in her. For example: "You look really nice today, Sue." *giggling and smiling* "Gee, thanks, Greek! You look super fabulous today, too. he he!" This would be an example of the girl thinking you are hitting on her. However, a response more like, "Oh, thank you!" would imply she is grateful for your words, but is not planning your wedding already.
A question you could ask yourself, when face-to-face with a beautiful woman, is why do I want to compliment her? Our motives are very telling things, and too often we forget to examine them before taking action.
this post is very insightful and true. women do love compliments, and I think you processing and being cognisant of that fact is great.
first off - give compliments. don't be afraid to be yourself and notice and observe beauty because of how it might be taken. no need to be fake in life. it's too short.
secondly, make your compliments specific and genuine, but refrain from being effusive (succinct compliments usually have less likelihood of being taken wrong). there's this guy at my new church who does this and I find that quality genuine & him to be a gentleman, because he's an introvert who makes it a point to give ladies brief but specific compliments (I really like your shirt or that's a great hat or I like your laugh...). I heard him give three women all different compliments within a ten minute span and none of those sounded trite or cookie cutter - I didn't feel cheated because he complimented me then turned around and said something to another girl. that's fine. try to be varied - women love physical compliments - we can't help it, and unless you know someone well, it's hard to give compliments that are surface based.
lastly, just pay attention to how a woman receives your compliment. sometimes the ones that have the hardest time taking your compliment graciously (oh no! not me vs. why thanks!) are the ones who typically will read more into your compliment than they should. insecurity does that. you seem to be good at "reading" people, so this shouldn't be too hard. women who take it appropriately, by all means give them compliments occasionally .
I think if men, REAL men, would do this more without fear, it could do a great deal for their fellow ladies self-esteem. one thing I've noticed is that sometimes women go for "bad boys" not because they are dangerous, but because bad boys are good at compliments - they know how to make a woman feel "sexy" and wanted. while their nice guy counterparts dole out insults or half hearted compliments, because they are too afraid to be bold. it's not that a woman necessarily wants a bad boy, but she may feel bad boys are the only ones that "want" her.
There's another problem though, it's been hard to even just be a 'gentleman'. haha
A lot of times, girls think you're acting weird for doing that. It's sad how this all works now.
GOod post. I don't think there is anything wrong with being a compliment whore as long as you are sincere. I always tell my guy friends, "looking hot," or something like that.
Hey, if it makes people feel better and you mean it, why not. It's not like you are inviting them to a sexual romp.
Compliments are always good to give. If someone compliments me and then compliments another person, I wouldn't get offended. But, if that person compliments me and then I notice them complimenting everyone else, I would just feel that person's compliment wasn't really genuine and that he/she just likes kissing ass.
hey man... a compliment is a compliment. just as long as it's true, i'm fine, and they can compliment the next guy, right after.
and the complimenter doesn't even have to be sincere. it's like being polite for the sake of politeness, even if the person you thank hasn't done something all that thank-worthy.
but you know me and compliments. i take them all, well. haha.
just be honest. you like something say so. you don't like something...well, there's an artful way to go about anything.
but John why do you always recommend my weirdest blogs??
@unbirthdaygirl - Haha now that you mention it, I do tend to recommend some of your oddest blogs, don't I? It was just that I came in from running, was already feeling loopy and tired, and then when I saw "blog rape", I immediately thought it was the funniest phrase ever. I'll try to be less goofy when reading your blog next time, ha.
Sincerity should always be behind every compliment you give. But I agree that there is not only a limit on compliments to the opposite sex, but also limitations on the type of compliments.
To be safe, I would recommend never complimenting a woman on her appearance that you don't intend to date or indicating that you notice a change in her appearance. I don't think men are oblivious to when a woman changes her hair or wears a nice dress, I think they are smart and avoiding a pitfall with no benefits and only problems for them.
But how you give the compliment also matters. It's nuanced, but I think a "hey buddy, you look nice today" is fine. But a "wow, you look nice" is totally unacceptable. And if you know the other person has a crush on you and is totally waiting for any kind of a signal, I wouldn't even say that they look nice. I just treat them like I treat them every other day.
Non-appearance comments should also be limited to professional types of statements and I think wording and tone matters a lot. If you can't see that type of statement being given in the same tone from a teacher to a student, then you're too personal.
I also think compliments should only be sincere because it does confuse a girl a bit.
The guy I would name the epitome of "gentleman" gives amazing compliments and has an amazing smile. It does kind of upset me when I hear him complimenting other girls though. Kind of makes mine feel less genuine, i guess.
I question I always have to ask myself before i get ga-ga over a compliment is whether he compliments everyone like that or is it just me? ( always hope for the latter, or course)
I always appreciate a compliment if it seems sincere, and I try to take it at face value. In most cases I think people are not complimented enough, so it's hard to go overboard with compliments. I wouldn't hold back.
RYC: Thank you for recommending my post. That was a thoughtful gesture.
Giving compliments should be done when ever they are deserved, as long as you are genuine in what you are saying. Make sure though that the person receiving the comment understands that you are not attracted to them. If wanting to tell a woman that you looks really nice, say something along the lines of "You look really nice today." vs. "God, you are so hot." Don't put ideas into a woman's head, that is dangerous and misleading.
Happy Sunday.
I don't think paying compliments is necessarily a bad thing. I'll be honest--being female, I see your point about girls assuming things. However, I do not assume every compliment paid me by the opposite gender means he is attracted to me. I also don't really take compliments seriously unless they are from someone who knows me. Call me crazy, but compliments mean more that way.
Compliment a woman too much, and she'll start to think she's interested in you. If you are not intersted in the lady, have a limit. Don't stop completely but keep it reined in. Don't gush. It is leading her on if you compliment a lot with no intention of engaging her if her interest in you is awakened.
I would avoid complimenting your female friends on their looks, because that is an area that we are socially programmed to be weaker in. Compliments there get bonus points. Avoid giving bonus points unless you are romantically interested in her. If you must compliment her looks, watch your intensity. Stick to words like "nice" and "good," rather than "gorgeous" and beautiful," if you want to play it safe.
Compliments about talent are safer, but you need to watch your frequency and your intensity. If you compliment the same friend every single time that she does something that impresses you, it will definitely cause a different reaction than if it's an occasional occurrence. The words that you choose are very important in how compliment comes across, though here, it's mainly where you put the focus. Ex: Your friend paints a masterpiece. Do you tell her how amazing her painting is (focus on her accomplishment) or how amazing she is as an artist (focus on HER)?
Hope that this helps!
I have never heard of slutty compliments
But that made my day!
I think in general everyone enjoys compliments. And yes, sincere ones are best. But I have been known to give out 3 sincere ones at once to guy friends of mine and they knew I was being honest and just being me. I guess it depends on your politician standpoint if you will...? Are you a person who says to please for gain? Or are you just plain nice.
Nice to see you posting, and glad I revisited!
In Love,
joyfulpraisegirl
Wow. This is an excellent question. I totally see your viewpoint. As someone whose love language is words of affirmation, I can easily get (as another commenter said) a "love buzz" from compliments. And if I'm feeling particularly lonely at the time, I could possibly misconstrue it.
Having said that, I don't think you should not compliment at all because a well-timed word of affirmation can bring healing to someone's soul. (I know that sounds cheesy, but it's true.)
Maybe it's about balance. And if you suspect someone is misinterpreting your praise, you could always say something like, "Hey, I know I'm probably being totally egotistical to even suspect that you may be thinking this ... but I love being your friend, and I want to keep our relationship just as it is. And I feel like a total ass for even thinking that you might be thinking I'm thinking of something more..."
I heard a friend say this once to a guy, and wow, it was the best "I'm not interested in you" talk that I've ever seen because of its self-deprecating flavor.
Dangit, I wanted to take part in this conversation! I read the post in my e-mailed subscription digest, but haven't had a chance to login since... However, even though I'm a day late and dollar short, I'm going to chime in because this is a really interesting topic.
I like the SAT analogy you've posed: A compliment is to a woman as a revealing outfit is to a man. I'd like to expound on that metaphor some. For us girls (in the clothing scenario), it's a matter of learning what is appropriate where. An outfit I feel is appropriate for a night out dancing, while not slutty by any means, is most likely not appropriate for my office.
For a guy (in the complimenting scenario) it's a matter of learning what is appropriate with who. Most likely you can maintain a level familiarity and complimentary-ness (wow, I think I just invented a new word!) with a girl who has been a long established friend. However that same attitude can come across as flirty to the girl you just met in line at Starbucks.
You are right to be wary over over-complimenting or being overly familiar to a girl you're not romantically involved/interested in, just like a girl should be wary of wearing clothing that's overly provocative clothing, both can send the wrong message.
However, in my mind, being wary doesn't mean ceasing altogether. A sincere compliment says to the reciever, 'you're noticed and appreciated' and provides the sender with a deeper connection to those around him/her.
It's win-win and how often does that happen in human communication?
Compliments are nice to recieve... I would rather be complimented on something I had control over rather than on my looks which are simply an accident of birth. I feel kind of sleezy if men I don't know well constantly compliment me on my looks. If I spend 3 hours being primped poked and prodded for a date with you then you can compliment my looks even if we are just friends. If I ask you specifically about my looks then you can compliment my looks but only if it's the truth. If I say how do you like my hair and it looks terrible I would rather hear the truth from you. I wouldn't ask if I didn't trust you to tell me the truth. I'm not sure how many compliments are acceptable but I think between old friends they mean more if they are fewer of them and the ones given are deeply felt and well thought out. New friends will probably compliment each other more because they are just discovering things to like about each other but if a guy wants to stay "friends only" he should probably be careful not to over do it until he knows how the particular womans thought process works. Some women when given a simple compliment like "those are great cookies you made for me" will actually hear "I love you when can we get married?"... LOL
@echois23 - LOL I'll try to restrain myself when offered cookies, then, but it is difficult at times! I trust you've seen the brownie video on here? And thanks so much for reading my old articles, warms my cold little heart.
@GreekPhysique - my goal for this do nothing birthday day was to just have fun...and of course accomplish nothing..... reading your old stuff has been lots of fun...you are a very intriguing multi-faceted young man... I have to keep reminding myself that you are not one of my wise old men friends... the pictures all along the way help with that... I hope that was not an insult ... it wasn't meant to be...
@echois23 - Oh no, I understand; many people have told me that I sound much older than I should, or something to that effect. I am more boisterous in person, to some extent, but I am an oldest brother for sure! ha, I fit the stereotype well. To be honest, that's partly why I started posting more pictures this last year; I realized people were forgetting that I am indeed a human being, with normal feelings, not some wise man on top of a mountain, haha.
I'm so well-rounded I bounce! I know, corny joke...but again, I'm really honored you would read my old posts on your birthday. You are a generous soul
I'm happy I could help make you happy on this day. Happy 24th again!
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