December 27, 2008
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No More Mr. Internet Boyfriend
This is the second in a series loosely titled "Internet Lessons of 08."
Dear Xanga Men,
I don't really address many blogs to you, and that bothers me at times. Fact is, most bloggers on here tend to be female, and thus this place can be rather feminized at times. But I really do appreciate you, colleagues, because most of you are clever writers who are relatively classy. There aren't many guys who surf Xanga making requests to "***** you *******" or what not. (Yeah, the stars are random and so is the phrase). A majority of you take pride in not being Internet bad boys and being true writers instead.
However...however...let's talk about the other danger to men. You may not be Mr. Internet Pervert. You may instead be a classy, sensitive guy, well able to handle himself in the 21st century world. But are you becoming Mr. Internet Boyfriend instead? There are plenty of nice, attractive women on Xanga who could use a little encouragement. I understand, it's easy to leave a nice, classy compliment the first time you visit a woman's page--you do want a reply, after all. And so you leave your first comment to her--"Dear, I'm so sorry to hear he treated you so badly" or "Dear, I'm sure things will get better once you graduate" or what not. And then...something great happens! Unlike in real life (haha) she notices you! She comments back! She thanks you! Great news, right?
Well...not exactly. See, you think you're being a modern-day white knight. You're being chivalrous! A defender of the weak! And perhaps you are being just that. But quite honestly, I think it's much more likely that you're becoming weak yourself--a servant of the Goddess Beauty. And she is a voracious and unforgiving mistress indeed. You find yourself measuring each comment to be sure not to offend and to keep those warm feelings going. You read that she is only returning one comment for every four you post. And you then hate her and yourself, as you realize you're easy and give up your compliments and support for nothing rather than waiting for a woman who would truly appreciate them. There's nothing knightly or powerful about that!
Doubt me? Here, take that oh-so-nice girl who you always support, and disagree with her just ONCE. Tell her that it's not a good idea to date the 40-year-old dad, or that she shouldn't go to grad school if she isn't sure what she wants to do with her life. Then, just sit back and wait. If the relationship is not healthy, she'll forget all the nice things you said and blast you for not supporting her. And once that happens to you once or twice, you'll realize that you've been Mr. Internet Boyfriend and given her comfort and support in exchange for...the privilege of being a friend to a girl you've never even met in person?! Not much of a deal, is it?
Let me simplify this for you, Xanga guys. Here's a simple guide:
Is she normal and does she return your compliments and appreciation? Peel out a map and see how far away you two are from each other geographically. If it's less than one finger segment, ask her out already! Or at least start asking for an AIM, or an e-mail address, or something. Don't sit there for months exchanging "you're so cool" compliments.
Is she normal, and does she not return your compliments and appreciation? She's just being polite and humoring you. Just quit visiting her site. Too simple? Instead, go out in a blaze of glory by inviting her to elope to Fiji with you,, or accost her and demand to know why she's ignoring you (and be humiliated when she doesn't even remember who you are). Um, trust me, just quit visiting the site.
Is she not normal and does she return your compliments and appreciation? Oh no, you're not just Mr. Internet Boyfriend, you're Mr. Dysfunctional Internet Enabler! If she's actually listening to you and trying to be more normal, and you honestly want to help her get better (as opposed to helping her out of her clothes), then, ok, stick around. But keep your eye on the exit, and know what the deal-breakers are that compromise your dignity.
Is she not normal and does she not return your compliments and appreciation? I can't really express in words just how dumb you're being, except to say, yes, I fell for this too once (or twice...or, err, ok, let's move on). Look, let another woman fix her--you're not going to be able to fix her via one five-minute Xanga comment, ok?
So Xanga men, please, listen to me. Make your compliments meaningful and unique in 2009. If you're truly being friendly and have no ulterior motives, then be complimentary when you mean it--but also say "No, girl, you're being dumb" when you mean it too! If the woman really is so cool, she'll be willing to accept the occasional disagreement or correction. If she's not--why in the world are you wasting your time on her?! No more Xanga welfare or comment vouchers! Move on already.
That's probably it for 2008 posts. It's been a weird year for me on Xanga, overall. But I think I have learned a lot in my 4.5 years here on Xanga. I'm not sure whether I'll be back for a 5th season, but it's been a great run, and thank you all for reading.
Your Xanga Colleague, GreekPhysique.EDIT A clarification on one issue brought up in the comments. No, not every man supporting every woman wants to have a relationship with her, and I'm sorry if the post sounded that way. I have many female friends on here that I can be friends with minus any complications--but we're honest with each other, and don't just flatter each other. I was referring to relationships where the man becomes a flatterer and an enabler.
Also, for example, I tend to be very supportive of two categories of female Xangans; single mothers, and teenagers trying to overcome bad family/addiction situations. (Yes, that's where many of the so-called "drama queens" who really aren't come in). To a large extent, those two groups have enough natural problems to deal with that I try to never correct them unless I'm very troubled by what they write.
But, I also think the post was necessary, because I know how easy it was to deceive myself. Sure, I thought I was "just being nice"--but then, if it was just being nice, why did I expect something in return? The heart is deceitful at times, is it not? So I just wanted to tweak the original post.
END EDIT
Comments (107)
Hmm...unfortunately today's blog may offend people who are dear to me. But it needed to be said, I think. Being an Internet boyfriend was particularly a problem for me when I first got on Xanga. I think I've learned my lesson by now, though (crosses fingers), it's such an easy trap to fall into by mistake. Hopefully some others can learn via my own errors.
Ahhh, I see... so you want to be my Internet Boyfriend then. It's all becoming clear. haha
Haha. I enjoyed this post. (:
@casmarie - I should give your friend credit for this post--he pointed out how many sensitive guys are on Xanga commenting like this, and it made me think. Now quick, post something I disagree with so I can correct you, ha. You can't be my Internet girlfriend either :-p
@GreekPhysique - very nice.
Hey I was just getting to know ya... No running off MR.
Great Post, you forgot the men that seem to ignore the hubby sentences in post & pretend the girls are free...to receive such compliments.
@GreekPhysique - But you already planned out that McDonald's date
@GreekPhysique - I've been down that road a few times, too. And it looks like you've hit the nail on the head with this one. Good post.
lol..nice blog.
Ah - I'll take it to heart. Maybe. Well said, though.
Hahaha. This was a great post. Especially for us single,dramatic,in need of "fixing" women who are desperately seeking a boyfriend. (no really)
you should also add that some girls are extremely lazy to comment back... hah. I know I am... It's not just a lack of interest, but mostly because I just don't comment people back directly... I use the @reply thing though... hmmm, plus I don't think guys try to compliment me on my page... haha, so it doesn't apply to me. hah.
Pretty funny....and accurate! Nice blog!
)
Haha!! I actually do agree. There are a lot of bitchy women who do not like men to have a differing opinion. I welcome a challenge and debate. Some do not! Loved your post!
Yeah, honesty is always better than shallow comments- so guys should remain real from the very start
P.S hope you stay around for a fifth season
Haha...awesome.
You're so cool. But really you are. lol.
Yeah, I have a xanga crush. Got shot down. Only tried it once. I have had a xanga crush, but she lived to dang far and not the same goals in life really. I'm still friends with both. Which is cool.
@GreekPhysique - Hey, that's some sage advice, John! Great post!
You're assuming the guy that you're talking to only cares about finding a date with the woman he is commenting with. And what is with the gaggle of troubled women. You're also assuming he has a penchant for women with problems who need "fixing."
Obviously, if she's dating someone other than the guy, that is a huge cue to take your feelings elsewhere.
If you've been on for 4.5, I think you'll stay on for more, at least to talk about the big guy in the sky.
Did I ever ask you for YOUR reason for being on Xanga? I think I've told you mine.
"Tell her that it's not a good idea to date the 40-year-old dad, or that she shouldn't go to grad school if she isn't sure what she wants to do with her life. Then, just sit back and wait. If the relationship is not healthy, she'll forget all the nice things you said and blast you for not supporting her." ...While I'm sure you've probably told me not to date the 40-year-old dad or that I shouldn't go to grad. school, I've never blasted you for not supporting me, right? Lol, just want to make sure we're still on good terms and that I've not offended you in some way! (P.S. I'll call you if I'm free to meet up next week while you're in town!)
I subscribe and then you suggest you won't be back? I took a shower today! Was it something I didn't say?!?!
Great post, very true.
At the same token I think there's a lot of women out there (and on occasion I can be guilty of this as well) that like hearing people out there with reassuring words so they can know on some level that they're not entirely fucked up. I don't really think anyone is secretly plotting to nab me off the street because of how gushy I make them feel (or vice versa).
I do know a couple who'd drop me if I told them I'd disagree with them, so instead I usually just stay quiet on those occasions. I'll try to heed your advice though.
@grinner08 - Oh, I see your point, but the point of my post was intended to be, the guy deceives himself without paying attention to the roots of his commenting, and the woman really isn't at fault. Really, being a "sensitive servant" doesn't mean people still can't have hidden envy and guilt and sin in their lives. It's interesting how sometimes I am at my most wicked when I think I am being most noble.
HAHA and now you've hit my soft spot--I want to stay if I really am teaching people truth, especially if it is God's Truth (at least as I understand it). Grinner, I know you're amused by trying to understand my reasoning at times. When you figure me out completely, tell me so that I too can understand myself :-p
@FortunesDaughter - Nah, you never blasted me. However, to be honest, I did feel pretty bad after all my efforts to connect you to church people in your area failed and you decided to go elsewhere. You had a right to make your own choices, of course, and you had some good reasons at the time. I just felt rather sad about it all, as if I somehow had not been a good enough friend. That's old news now, though.
Call me if you are free.
lol. Great post. But please don't go. We need you! (*she said in a sisterly voice)
I'm too normal, I guess to have this happen to me
, or at least, to have it happen to me and not be the sort of person that returns the compliment if the guy is himself normal enough.
this was too funny!
Haha, I love this! If only more men looked at it realistically the way you do.
@History_Nut - haha! Too funny!
I'm thinking of pulling an "Orel" and using God's "baking goods" to give the ladies an unexpected gift. Hooya!
Great advices for the Xanga guys! This is kinda like the "orbitor" or "friend zoned" things mentioned sometime ago. Also helps me to keep in check that I'm not one of those with Goddess attitude.
Great post, will have to keep all of this in mind. I don't think I'm doing it, but, we never know.
@GreekPhysique - Thanks for the clarification. I wouldn't call it wicked. It sounds more like misguided attempts at philanthropy. And I can see situations where either party or both may be at fault.
Hehe, I guess this is grinner's "I told you so" to the knight.)
1) The knight, convinced of the veracity of his righteousness and convinced that such veracity would be manifest enough to anyone so much so that it would turn their erring ways, is blind to the need to convince the princess that she needs saving or that this way out of the woods is best.
1.1) In addition to that, the knight may be more interested in playing the role of the knight than actually saving the princess so he ignores injuries to her pride that actually bait her into doing exactly the opposite of whatever the knight says to do. (The knight's friend, let's call her grinner, said a long time ago not to say "I told you so" to the princess.
2) Let's mix in some Greek mythology here for the princess portion. Some princesses are sirens who know enough to be distressed and to sing for help, but they are unaware of the beast, an analogy for the messy lives that they are entangled in, that lies beneath them. They cannot see the beast, but they know it's there. Some want to be disentangled and don't know how. On top of that, the beast speaks to them and whispers convincing tales that they are one and cannot separate. Knights will be attracted to their beauty and their call for help. Some knights will see the beast and paddle away before being devoured. Others will be chewed upon and spit out, leaving with the vow to never save another princess or siren ever again. Grinner's sage advice for knights is to throw them the instructions to leave the beast and leave with their philanthropic sentiments intact. Knights are mere mortals; only gods and sirens can turn sirens into princesses. Hope that one day those sirens will be fed up with their beasts and turn to your instructions to save themselves.
You know the odd thing about this post is that I was just commenting this morning about how fairy tales introduce young girls to such a simplistic view of romantic relationships. You are pretty and so an equally handsome prince will be designated for you. You have a small foot and wear a glass slipper, the prince will find you.
haha this is hilarious. i was unaware of the etiquette that a friend and not a user must comment equally for each comment received. i was (naively) assuming we all commented on things that interested or intrigued us, not out of obligation to prove we are not self-righteous attention hogs. i will, in the future, match comment for comment. at least for the male readers. ha. hahaha.
no one actually does these things...
Right?
If they did, this would be a good post.
But seriously guys.
C'mon.
Great post! I see this all too often, and I was guilty of this in my (thankfully now former) single days...
It's an easy trap to fall into, and so this is a great post to all the guys out there who think that they're doing the best they can.
Oh, and we'll miss your sage and wise observations of the world if you go... do come back, alright?
Ta!
I feel bad when sometimes someone IM's me or messages me talking to me like they know me and I can't remember their name or screen name. I just meet way too many people on here, and unless I stay in touch with them I'm not going to remember. Even the people I do stay in touch with, at times, aren't on my top priority list. So thanks for the 'shes just being nice and humoring you' part, as cruel as it seems
...love it. that's about it.
I learned this lesson elsewhere, and have tried to be on guard while on Xanga, but you bring up some pretty good points here. Great post!
Did you forget about the internet guy who tries to enable and fix the girl because he's broken, and she flatters him and makes him feel good about himself, leading her to think he's really interested - but of course, no guy would want a woman who has problems and needs "fixing" anyway! It's all for his own ego - and when his ego is temporarily satisfied and full to bursting, he drops her because she's not "good enough" and moves on to his next conquest.
Not all guys, to be sure. Just sayin' - it's easy to be someone you're not on the internet.
genius.
that is all i can say...
We're not all Mr. Internet Boyfriends.
Wait...you edited that part. Never mind. Nice edit though. It really made the entry make more sense and made us all fit.
Is this a version of a new years resolution? I'd adopt it.
Is she normal, indeed! Define 'normal'. I hope you're not roping ME into that category. I like being weird, thank you.
GREAT POST!! Thank you. It sounds like you wrote this letter to someone I know. I hope this 'someone' read it,AND learn something from it ^__^
Thank you!
@musicmom60 - Post more often, because you hit a home run with your first comment, ha. That's a danger I try to be careful on here--becoming Mr. Fix-it is another category all together. It's not a real person anymore; it's a "fix-it" project that only gets attention when it's falling apart! That's so disturbing and dysfunctional, but yes, I've fallen for that trap too.
Interesting post, but not being a man, I've never really pondered this problem.
Also, I think it would be ridiculous to leave xanga after 4+ years. You've been here long enough, you might as well stay.
And I'm interested to see what other "internet lessons" you've learned this year.
wait, why are you leaving? don't go....lol.
interesting post....
hey! stop blogging about me!
haha *claps*
lmao...great advice to the men of Xanga. What's this I hear about you leaving? While I may only read you every now and then, please don't go. Xanga needs more writers like you.
haha how i treasure these xanga relationships
Sorry i lashed out, it seemed every post that day was about me, and Ill admit it, I skim the ones that are likely to get me riled up. And skip the ones that I KNOW will rile me up. Im sorry, truly. Your PM's are genuine and kind, and I would like to ask for your forgiveness. Will you be my internet boyfriend?
Very well written sir! For me, I just generally try to be nice and respectful to people around me, including those I've met on Xanga. I normally don't have ulterior motives when I leave a nice comment here and there; just being myself
.
This can also serve as a caution to married men...we'll written and no offense here.
You seem to assume that the guys are normal. I think you need to include the dynamic of the guy being normal or not.
Ummmm. Been there myself a few times. And I'm an older guy, I should know better! Great post!
I have to admit, this was an interesting read. I have come here mainly to express my feelings in words, and possibly get clarification from some of them that I don't really get clarification on my own. So there hasn't been much of 'trying to be a flatterer' on my end. I've also not really gained many friends, perhaps because I do not post as often as some of you.
But it's interesting to me that men would act this way on a blogging site...
I guess I'm just naive when it comes to blogging communities.
Great post, and very true.
I actually like it when people disagree with me.. I mean not if it's something like "you're stupid. That's not how it is" but if someone disagrees with me and then gives me alternate advice or if they disagree in a way that isn't completly rude and rediculous I absolutely love it! I mean seriously who wants someone to tell them that everything they say is absolutely right?
and as for you coming back to xanga.. yes.. u better.. lol I love reading your posts.. please don't leave us!
the other day i was washing the floor and i felt like cinderella .
Unless her post is specifically asking for advice, disagreeing with her about something might be completely out of line.
Example: some internet dude started commenting on my xanga which is basically my journal, and started telling me to leave my boyfriend.
I wasn't asking for advice on my relationship, especially not from a completely random stranger.
I don't ask for "support" either, although nice comments are, well, nice. But if you don't know someone personally and/or aren't having a personal dialogue with them, there's no room for "disagreement" or "you're being stupid."
Think about it, that's the difference between a friend making a remark about your personal life, or a complete stranger on the street who just happened to see something and decided to share their two cents about your life. And that generally doesn't happen - because it's rude.
haha I never thought about it like that until you posted this. Mr.Internet boyfriend is similar to mr.rebound guy.
@History_Nut - haha. I think maybe so maybe so.
That is pretty messed up. No one is going to agree with you 100% of the time. That would make for a boring world. If you put your personal info up for debate then you should be able to handle mixed comments. From looking back at things I've written even I think I'm being completely unreasonable at times.
@thisiswhereItellyoueverything - If you wish to keep a private journal and not receive feedback. Then you should try making your entries private, or make the choice who you want to be able to view those entries. If you don't you are allowing others to peer into your space and leave comments. Some you may not agree with or choose to ignore.
Oh dear god...WHAT HAVE I BECOME!!!!
I think you're right, it was a necessary post. Thank you for putting it out here.
Yeah, I was Mr. D.I.E. once, *shudders* never again! hahaha
but it follows this chain:
internet boyfriend,
then crazy romantic weekend boyfriend,
then finally real life living together boyfriend.
life is good.
i'd like to thank xanga for making it all happen for me.
that, and my sexy profile pics and witty comments.
i love you all!
I'm glad I'm married, I like to leave comments that mean something.. or take the time.
I've always found the women on xanga very good in terms of respecting the fact that I'm married. I have never had one comment that I would deem out of hand.
that says alot for the people "I" associate with. I don't know if you're a friend slut and try to help people in the hope you might get to meet someone.
Its a fact of life though isn't it.
how cute.
I dont "internet date" so I find it weird when people do. As if long distance relationships weren't hard enough... I think if you generally fish in the internet pool you'd probably do better by meeting someone at work, at a venue, through friends.
And if you are too shy to do that- male or female- you need to work on your self confidence. Because LIFE is happening outside... away from the keyboard.
i know this was addressed to men, but i just want to throw it out there that i was "dating" (infatuated with) a guy i met playing world of warcraft >.<
i didn't see how what you described in this post would be much different from a normal, non-internet relationship. i give guys shit for not agreeing with me. most women/girls do. it's just who we are and what we do. i try not to be that bitch, though, whenever possible or when i actually think before i speak.
good post.
You have many good points here.
whatever
Ha ha ha, I have seen stuff like this happen!
haha, I don't think I've ever been courted through xanga
wow I fit in both of your categories a month ago, now I'm just the single mother lol I liked your post and wasn't offended at all. I think it needed to be said and I laughed a time or two
@Made2sing4Jesus - Amen Sista
aww haha this was a good one
Thank you! I love this. For once it's nice to get someone rational. Just because I'm nice to you on xanga, does not mean I want to date you. Also, I want you to tell me the truth. Tell me I'm being stupid. If I didn't want criticism, I'd keep my xanga private and only let my best friend see it. She'd tell me I'm perfect, and whatever going on is not my fault, and all would be well. I make it public to get advice and help! If you think I'm stupid, tell me I'm stupid.
Oh and there are xanga internet perverts, just not as many... thank God, myspace is scary!
"Normal?" Who gets to decide exactly what "normal" is? "Normal" is a setting on a washing machine and should never be used to describe a human being for we are all unique in our own special way. If we were all alike this world would be a very boring place.
"she is a voracious and unforgiving mistress indeed"
that about sums her up loll
You really hit the bullseye with this one. That's why to avoid any possible misunderstandings, all my compliments are balanced by references to my wife and our healthy relationship. No thanks, I'm not looking for an internet mistress.
But that's not to say that there aren't some d*mn good looking women here. 
I am weird about guys on the internet. I want meet someone great, but I am not sure if I should encourage someone I've never met. I appreciate the nice comments though so what kind of girl am I?
Someone misconsume too much time online. ;]]
This was a first class job of writing and you are correct on so many points. I have been the ms internet girlfriend before. Yeah, I guess I must get something from it, because I haven't shaken it yet, but I also see it for what it is. It's a friendship, but in a very different setting.
Thank you for this great post . . . I enjoyed it very much.
Cindy
Internet boyfriend! This is the first time I've heard that phrase.
...
how insightful.
(im not hitting on you.)
haha
Wow. I didn't think that much goes through a guys head when he comments on a girls blog. LoL! I love the white knights though. They are few and far between.
ahh desperate ppl... mmm ok ill try to be too mean
lmao! great blog! (:
oh gosh, I wish everybody who posted on Xanga was as intelligent as you! Man, I am going to mark you for a friend! I am always searching for intelligent life on the Net!
Shelby Stone....The Gelding by MysticMoon Press 12/28/08
This is one strange post.
LOL brilliant .. cheers to the good xanga men! we notice you!
someone teach me how to write, i want to participate
if this works, i'll name one of my e-kids after you Mr. GreekPhysique!
that's an interesting post. i wasn't even aware that existed. although i never thought of meeting/having or never really encountered a mr. internet boyfriend here on xanga and i've been a member for over 4 years as well.
like all things, every situation in life (including the internet) can vary from person to person. you can meet people in person and the same outcomes can occur.
i've actually had a serious relationship with someone i met online but those occasions are rare (because we fear to trust one another).
good guide to the non-sensed tho.
More Mr. Internet Boy Friends.
I never thought about this. Very interesting....
ahahaha, totally agree with you. actually, i have been a ms.internet girlfriend for one month, that's a reallllllly stupid and tiring job i ever had especially our distance is longer than a whole finger!!!!!!
Hooray for the 100th comment! Fantastic advice as always. I'm probably the most flirtatious guy out there, it's totally in my nature, and there's nothing I love more than helping someone in any way I can. Often times it has ended up hurting me, and over the years (this past year in particular) I've learned to be a little less naive about people. Good luck in 2009!
This is great! lol Women should listen to this as well. You'd be surprised...
wonderful post! ^ ^
Not all girls do that but that is true for the majority of the time
There are Xanga guys who leave supportive comments and compliments? *gasp*
I can't say I didn't learn anything, but then again I don't really know what I learned either. Your edit comment made more sense. I guess it does go and show that there are wierd Mr. Boyfriends on Xanga. Hmm.. I don't really give a shiz about the other person, I say what I think, but then I have to be careful whether I should say it or not. (That sounded bad, but I'm not as ignorant or arrogant as that I hope).
Xanga is overwhelmed with too many YOU directed posts. It is irksome, but I deal. (YOU refers to posts given as advices or questions to others). I'm thinking it might be an inherent property of Xanga, do you agree?
Good advice. My biggest pet peeve is when people only flatter and don't say what's really on their mind. There's nothing constructive or good about it, and it's just an emotional 'sugar rush' if you will.
@successjournal010 - Yeah, sometimes we have to be tough and say the truth, even if it hurts someone's feelings.
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