January 22, 2009
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Feed Crushes or Fight Crushes?
There's a fun post up by AirForceVirgin asking people to send in their crushes to her, and she'll report if there's a match between two people. It's rather harmless overall, and I was tempted to toss in half my sub list just to figure out who chose me, ha. But it spurred a larger question in me.
If you have a Xanga crush (or any crush, really), should one feed it or fight it? And let me first preface that I'm talking about crushes on eligible, somewhat normal people. (I have a foolproof method for stopping the potential start of a crush on someone who's already taken--it involves rocking back and forth in my chair and repeating "SHE'S TAKEN, YOU IDIOT, STOP CRUSHING!", while mixing in a few slaps on the forehead. Once my throat gets sore or my head hurts, the crush usually goes away. I should apply for a patent on it. :-p). Ha, but seriously, what to do?
On the one hand, crushes are completely irrational. No real-life couple continues crushing on each other for their whole lives. They are based on unrealistic images of the other person, and this is especially terrible on the Internet, where you can't see the whole person as well. Worse, it's distracting from work and from one's real work. And the aftermath of a failed crush can be devastating and painful.
But on the other hand...sometimes, even after a crush is fed all the logic and realism it can handle, it still survives. Sometimes an initial crush really is love, and is based on true feelings for the person. Yes, the more intense crushes burn out quickly at times, but if we never had crushes, it would be a lot harder to be romantically brave. (One can fall in love without a crush, of course--i.e. falling in love with a long-time friend). Why not learn as much as you can about the other person, and if the crush keeps building, maybe it's real?
So what's the right move? Do you fight your crushes down to more manageable levels of affection as a matter of principle? Let them burn out? Or actually feed the crush by contacting the other person a lot, getting to know them better, and then seeing if the infatuation turns into true attraction?
Comments (25)
Ugh, I hated having crushes because it always made me feel I wasn't in control. I always fought them.
There's no clear-cut answer that will work for every person and every situation. Sometimes a crush is a good thing because it leads to love. Other times (most of the time, I would contend) crushes are just infatuations. I think starting as friends is the best way to go. If you have a crush on a friend, try to keep it under control as you get to know the person in a platonic way. Maybe the crush will die under all the realism
wonderful post. ehem. yeah, i can dig this on many levels. i prefer not to feed the crush but the crush is there and what can i do? it's a mutual crush, btw. i think it's perfect because we're both married. and he's so far away. hahaha
and you're right - it's because you don't know the other person on an intimate level. you have these fantasies that may not be true.
I always fought them or let them burn out. I would agree with trying to befriend the person to see who they really are.
Here I was lamenting that I was not on the list,I am married but I was thinking it was more of a fun,"I like yo as a person and think you are special" kind of thing.
I always fight crushes and fail miserably. I have also discovered that i don't crush on taken people, so if I'm attracted to someone and find out they have an SO (GF/BF), that pretty much ends the crush. I've even prayed for crushes to get SO's so the crush would go away. I know, I'm weird.
and I don't think I have a xanga crush right now, unless of course we are talking about Sam, but he's just eye candy and that's not a crush...it's called lust.
haha.
good post.
@seedsower - I like you as a person and think you are special.
I was a little confused about the crush list myself. I decided to put up 1-2 names that I thought would be flattered by being chosen, but that weren't deep crushes of mine. But that really doesn't sound like the point, either.
@spokenfor - Yes, I find it interesting that the word "taken" can kill a crush so quickly for me as well. Of course, who hasn't hoped that someone's boyfriend would decide that God is calling them to be a monk? :-p
@MCTCanadian - Befriending is key.
@hilaw - LOL that is interesting. Well, sometimes those little mini-crushes can be safe and cute--the problem is just when your real life goes bad, and you're tempted to escape. Don't be buying any plane tickets or astronaut diapers, now. :-p
@wisewoman83 - Yes, the feeling of being under another person's control and not being in a relationship is very scary.
neither.
Nurture them.
I just let them play out. Whether in real life or online. I think it's flattering for people to hear that someone thinks they're attractive or that they can make someone smile with their words. I don't think you have to put the crush out or make it something bigger than it is.
psh. If I tried to fight my crushes, it'd be like that highlight on sportscenter last night of that poor little white dude trying to block out Shaq. Brick wall. I let them burn out on their own. Sometimes it takes a while- years, even- but they all eventually do. If one of mine ever actually GOES anywhere, maybe my attitude will be different.
I guess I don't understand the premise of the question. If you're crushing on someone, you're available and he/she is available, he/she seems like a decent person, and you're interested in romance, why would you not pursue getting to know them?
@weedorwildflower - good question...I think sometimes though crushes just that - you see the incompatibility or whatever up front and keep the crush to yourself. secondly, as a woman, if I'm crushing on a guy, odds are that I know the person pretty well...and they aren't pursuing me.
@GreekPhysique - yah! he has kids too. and he was in my area last year but i had the flu. ayiyiyi. we've known each other for,oh, four years now? i met him on another site, a forum, before xanga. he joined, i think, so he can uh communicate when he wants to. you are so fucking wise. i swear - that bit about being tempted to buy plane tickets when things go bad at home. hahaha. er...therein lies the beasty nature of any relationship. the need to escape when things get a bit icky. but i'm wise enough not to succumb to such temptations. someone else said something about lust. there's that element but after knowing what this person's about, i grew to like him more as a human being. we're friends. that's it. still, there's that tension between us, sexual. the funny thing is he's the only real, lasting online crush i've ever had. and i do not initiate contact. hardly ever.
that has to be difficult for the people with multiple crushes.
For most people it's more fun than a serious thing.
At the moment, I must say... I am letting my "xanga crush" die out, though it is rather disappointing. Oh well, I tried!
I ignore them until I am no longer crushing. I talk myself out of crushing by pinpointing every odd/incompatiable thing I can find about them.
let them play out... or... never tell, and admire from afar.
Crushes are completely irrational but they are so much fun! I think as long as you realize that you're being irrational. There's no harm in doing anything. Almost all relationships begin with a little crush so if you're really interested, I think you should talk to the person and get to know them better so that the irrational crush can become a rational like.
get to know them. then decide whether to feed or fight.
I try to meet them in person. Done so with two already. Sticking with one now.
Humans must grasp reality! Robots like myself must grasp hardware.
I made the mistake of feeding a crush many years ago......two actually.
One in real life, one via the net.
Thank God I woke up to what was happening before anything happened.
I won't make the mistake of feeding one again.
x
My crushes usually burn out. I'm pretty sure that's a good thing looking look back on some of them. Why did I like that guy with the piercings again? LOL ;p
My one and only xanga crush brought me a lot of pain and stress due to the limited knowledge that I had about him. I fed it, and then before I knew it, the whole thing exploded in my face. It was frustrating, of course, but I wonder, if I was really thinking clearly, what would I have done in the first place?
My advice is to ignore it. Spend a few months just watching, but not moving closer to, the object of your crush. Don't feed it, don't fight it. Just let it be. Chances are, it will probably burn itself out if it was shallow and unfulfilling, but remain if it's based on a quality that you see in someone.
If the crush is still there after your inaction, tread carefully. Slowly learn more about the person. Talk about the things that really matter to you. Pay close attention to the areas where you disagree.
After that? Play it by ear.
I'm thinking I'm more of a fighter. This shouldn't be a shock.
My crushes are intellectual in nature, I tend to crush on peoples personalities, their writing, their humor. I am careful not to let it go too far, but I tend to just enjoy them.
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