February 1, 2009
-
Beautiful even if no one says so
One of the saddest stories I've ever read is in the first 50 pages of "A Long and Fatal Love Chase" by Louisa May Alcott (review here, can see some pages on Google Books). In it, the heroine Rosamond lives alone on an island with her grouchy, unloving grandfather. She is smart, beautiful, and spirited, but she never has heard anyone tell her so. One day, a man named Philip Tempest visits her grandfather. He realizes her beauty, but in a cold, calculating way that fails to truly respect her at first. They eventually marry, then she finds out a dark secret about him and flees. He then stalks her for the rest of the book, a chilling, modern take that I didn't really care for.
But it's those first pages that made me feel sad. I felt like screaming "Rosamond, you're a dream, and here you are falling for the first man you've ever met just because he gives you the first compliments. Why do you need his compliments? Don't you realize how cool you are? You know he lacks class, and yet because he appreciates you on some level, you're giving him the time of day. Girl, look in a mirror! Listen to yourself talk! Be patient!" It's just because she was so sheltered that she didn't know better, right? I'm sure if she had met more men, she would have been better able to discern between a good man and a bad man. Clearly someone that talented wouldn't make that mistake in today's world!
However, I've realized in the last year that Rosamond is sadly no exception to the rule. Too many women (and men) go through life thinking that they are not beautiful just because no one has told them so. Then, at the first sign of someone paying attention or being complimentary, they give in and follow that person wherever they go. It's so sad! I mean, can't you just look in the mirror? Listen to yourself? See how you make the people around you happy with your sense of humor? your kindness? your optimism?
You're beautiful, ok? Some of you more than others, admittedly, but I have to say that nearly every reader of mine has something beautiful about them. (Else I wouldn't read your blogs if you were boring, ha.) Please don't be so vulnerable that you latch onto the first person to say it out loud. Please see yourself as someone of value--no, not as some sort of god or goddess, but yes, as someone who has much to offer and in return should be offered something of value for their heart, body, and/or mind. Don't make the mistake that Rosamond did.
I do feel quite strongly about this topic, and actually had to tone down my rhetoric a little. Amusingly, it's my rational, economic side that fuels my passion on this topic. I hate seeing valuable items being sold for a song (or for a dozen roses, or for a meal at the Olive Garden--you get the idea
). Even if the market isn't perfectly efficient in your particular locale, I believe that it will eventually become efficient for most, if they don't sell themselves off too quickly. Yes, the "Economics of Love", GreekPhysique style, is coming to a bookstore near you! haha.
Comments (62)
I agree... That is extremely sad, and I really hope that people can realize their own inner beauty.
Maybe I should pick up that book... What you noted is true but I know many people that would not believe this of themselves. Yet, I have also witnessed just what you described - people latching on to the first person who gave them the time of day just so that they could keep feeling validated. Sad... yet not uncommon. Thanks for the reminder... very nice post.
I can definitely relate to the Heroine of this story...
For some it's more a desperation to realize a dream (marriage, children, security, sex) than naivete. From my personal observations over the years, desperation is more common. This is a great post!
This reminds me of the cousin on the Munsters who looked like Marilyn Monroe but was treated as unattractive so she believed it and acted like it.
Does it really matter what you look like though? Even if you are unattractive or boring, you shouldn't have to put up with someone treating you badly or live your life thinking you need someone to tell you that you are worthy of happiness in your life.
Bravo... bravo... A post on Mr.30 and I is up. I thought you should read, considering the exchange of messages we've had.
And yes, this post is timely, all things considered.
i love the footnote. hahaha (valuable being sold for a song). well, how can i disagree with you. but it happens. someone very young latching on to the first person who makes them feel worthwhile - because before that their mother told them they were ugly and stupid. naturally, they were starved for affection and praise. and the feeling from the initial praises was associated with that first person, regardless of how they might behave later on, whether abusive or kind. generally speaking...
I enjoyed the way you tied it all together. Very well done. I agree with you... people give themselves away too easily sometimes.
rec'd
@Levanna - haha I was already there before I read this comment. The Mr. 30 saga certainly has me interested, with my nose firmly pressed up against the monitor, peering in to see what will happen next!
I think what women (and probably men) fail to realize is that we get our value from those around us and our place in the family, society, etc. I grew up thinking I was quite homely because my best friend was a complete knockout. Not only was I aware I was not as pretty as her, but our friends and social circles reinforced that. I was the one with the great personality. What's odd is I found a picture of us a few years ago that was taken when we were 15 or 16 and it stunned me to realize I really was quite pretty-as pretty as her, but in a different way. To my parents I was a tomboy and my much older and very studious brother and sister, a bit of a bum and goof.
The more I hear women talk, the more I realize we all do this...we get our value from those around us and those we love (whether they deserve it or not).I think we might just all sell ourselves a bit short in some way, some how. We have that need to be loved.You did a wonderful job with this post, btw
@GreekPhysique - I saw your comment. I had a huge smile on my face the entire time. Thank you for your support. I really appreciate it.
You are right - there is no way to get better at the verbal jousting and feeling more confident about handling myself in similar situations outside of just going for it.
Eeek! heeh. I'm happy though. So thank you. And, I am very much seeking the Father in all of this. The peace I have has the Holy Spirit written all over it.
And yes, sometimes numbering is the only way to go!
This is a good, thought-provoking post. What it avoids mentioning though is that good looks are the currency in the dating world, not a good heart or kindness. Sad but true. So in the final analysis, good looks are not important, but without good looks, there won't be a final analysis. Wish I could say otherwise.
I totally get what you're saying...and love it and share the same feelings!
however, you say to look in a mirror and listen to yourself...all too often we tell ourselves what we've heard from others, or, in my case, what culture defines as beautiful. listening to myself is sometimes the worst thing i can do for myself...
But, well stated and a wonderful reminder
It's a challenge for those of us who are men. Most of us don't realize how much power we have to build up and tear down the women in our lives. So I try to build up and honor as much as I can.
I wholeheartedly agree. There are far too many lovely and wonderful people out there with partners who don't deserve them. You explain it brilliantly; people shouldn't just jump into bed with the first person who's nice to them. I have a lot of friends in situations like this but fortunately some of them are now beginning to see the light and taking the step towards releasing themselves from their undeservings.
@k8tthelate - Oh, I know! Reminds me of some teenage friends where one was seen as the "pretty one" and the other was not. There really wasn't much difference between the two, though. (Clever men/women know to pick up on these type of market inefficiencies, haha, but that's a topic for another time!).
@dipshit - Oh, of course, dip, but look at the secondary issues. For example, suppose a woman is not quite as good at fashion, so she doesn't know how to dress herself to emphasize her beauty--or she grows up in a small town/is homeschooled--or she is tall and plays sports, and is seen as a jock when in reality she's quite pretty--or she's overshadowed by a hotter sister--or she's not of an ethnic group perceived as "hot"--I see these mistakes all the time. That's part of what I'm talking about. Guys mess up who the real "hottie" is all the time.
I love you, little bro. You're so amazing, and you're a wonderful friend to so many. Someday you're gonna be an amazing husband and daddy.
I can understand this.
but also. there are people who intentionally fish for compliments. its hard to weed out those fags between the ones with actual low self esteem.
Great post.
You just convinced me to go read that book!
Amazing what emotional abuse and neglect will do to a person, huh?
Yeah.
Yuppp great message.
In the words of Baloo the Bear....."You're Beautiful.......!!!"
Beauty is far too complex a topic to take on only from one angle. There is inner beauty, yes. But also there is subjective, outer beauty. This second kind exists because others think so. Otherwise everyone would be beautiful in exactly the same and equal ways...just because God made them. A third take on beauty is the beauty of virtue, which is also reflected in us because God is our creator, but has to do with our actions.
Does that make sense?
This is a very nice peice of writing. It brings out so much things. I bet even the prettiest girl finds something wrong with them but everyone is beautiful. You dont have to hear someone say that to know that. Yes we all need reassurance but if we believed in ourself a bit more we would make better decisions.
I found your site through Featured Grownups. Great post!
I can relate. I married the first person that asked me. I lead a sheltered life and he made me feel special. I didn't believe I was beautful or special in any way. The rest is history and changed my life forever. He turned out to be a violent and abusive man. Our marriage lasted seven years.
Beauty is character not dress size. It's sad how the world has put the emphasis of beauty on physical appearance. Wrinkle creams, hair dyes, botox injections ... why can't we age gracefully and let our character shine? Beauty doesn't vanish on an aging body, in my opinion if we operate out of love our beauty just keeps escalating! So lets love one another and tell them how beautiful they are, who they are and what they mean to us!
Very awesome post.
Patience has limits. I know exactly why Rosamond did what she did. Did she have any guarantee that another person would ever show up? No. I would have done the same thing.
I've seen this a good bit too, with some of my girlfriends who are so precious and wonderful and they sadly settle for those who aren't worthy of them as a result. I've seen this happen to good men... usually the kind of men I fall for are like this: Beautiful, endlessly precious, but completely ignored or unappreciated. Maybe there's something in me that wants to save them and give them the honor they deserve. I probably don't deserve them either, but I do love giving them what they have never gotten before: attention and appreciation.
A big rec from me. I hope this gets featured.
By the way you have super interesting taste in books. I've added two books to my reading list in the past couple of days cause of you. Awesome.
Agree with LucyWrites. This deserves featuring.
I might be waiting for an eternity but I refuse to sell myself short.
I've come across this in plenty of people, especially a few of my friends. An excellent lesson for us all.
Great post!
Wow, I'm really liking how the efficient market theory worked its way into a love/relationships post.
Ahhhh! Yes, it is horribly sad. I've seen so many girls/women and yes, even men, falling for the first person who looks their way. They just long to be loved, no matter the consequences. Sadly, it has a lot to do with the low self-esteem that is rampant among women these days. They don't see themselves as beautiful, so if ANYONE does, they settle for them because they don't think they can do any better.
I have yet to date, because I'm waiting on someone who has more to offer to me than kind words and presents. I've seen enough heartbreak among my friends to know it is worth the while to wait.
Very thought provoking...if only we could truly stick to this and let our true worth be appreciated.
he told me i was beautiful. i handed him my heart. he left.
your cautionary tale is so needed, because it is in fact sadly common. thank you for being so passionate about it.
I would totally buy a book by you.
@randomneuralfirings - Right on. Thankfully, this idea of "sex respect" (i.e. protecting the privacy and interests of friends of the opposite sex) is now being emphasized in child development. Even as an adult I am not always consciously aware of my denegration of men, which is a weakness I am striving to overcome. Thanks for doing the same
This post is really excellent. Women can relate to it on so many different levels. I went through all of high school cursing myself for being "ugly" & crying myself to sleep at night, wondering why I didn't have a boyfriend while everyone else did. Years later when I grew older & graduated high school, I had a handful of guys come forward & tell me how they had the hugest crush on me. Recently (I blogged about this, too) I got back in touch with an old high school friend and he admitted he's been having a crush on me for 7 years! It's just an example of how wrong we can be in judging ourselves so critically.
This is an issue that pulls at my heart, GP. You wrote very well, in spite of toning it down a bit
It almost makes me not want to read the book because I know it'd be heart wrenching to read...but at the same time I want to read it because I love getting emotionally caught up in books.
Inner beauty is often hard to realize and is definitely something that shouldn't be wasted. It's sad that it's so hard for people to recognize their own beauty.
*nod*. I think my entire blog is built around this concept...
i wish my sister would realize this. i hate that she goes after all the wrong guys just because they give her a tiny amount of attention.
thanks for this post.
<3 micalyn
I think I'll get a copy of that book.
I made the same mistake before too. But I won't fall for that again.
Ah, if only I could believe it to be true! But I'm proving your point. : )
External validation is highly unsatisfying and fleeting - yet we all tend to look outward rather than inward. It was only when I saw myself reflected in God's eyes that I actually believed in my own worth. Now, nothing can ever take that away!
Like any relationship, we need to take the time to talk and listen and get to know God .... but I believe that relationship is the only one that can truly validate us, way down deep.
Very good post, here.
sadly patience isn't getting me very far. even my mom is starting to get on my case for being too picky and condemning myself to a life of loneliness because i'm *gasp* 23 and haven't had a serious boyfriend yet. i told her i can only HOPE i die alone rather than marry someone i don't love.
Bah. I don't think that sort of thing happens as often as we guys think/(hope).
Rosamund simply has daddy issues. She didn't get enough love from pops, so she latches onto any male that gives her attention -- it doesn't matter how many men she dates, she'll always fall hard for any man. Might possibly end up as a stripper too. Definitely a message to all the dads with girls.
I agree - everyone has something beautiful about them. Popular people are often not beautiful but have self confidence and it is often that which draws us. IE Paris Hilton is pretty but not beautiful but she has confidence.
Thanks for getting out this message, love the economic comments at the bottom
I looooove that book.
Actually, anything Alcott wrote was pure gold..
I love Louisa May! (We're so tight, I can use her first and middle name only) Have you read "The Inheritance"? I liked it, one of her first books, and it's simple like a first book is. She was pretty young too.
I concur about giving in too soon to the first hat-tipping gent. I try to get that point across to my girls at church, but I know what it's like to not receive any attention for a long time and think there is no hope for you. It's depressing...and I'll say that a lot of it has to do with good Christian guys not having the moxy to put themselves out there and ask girls out. But thanks for jumping out and saying it even with just the intentions of a Brother.
It's very refreshing.
@AThousandTimesIveFailed - @pkcricket - AWW!!! You both like Alcott! I adore her--she's so clever and so hardworking and just does that whole "traditional but still very creative" thing so nicely! I saw "the Inheritance" on sale, I think, last week--I should have picked it up! I've read Little Women, Little Men, Jo's Boys, Long and Fatal Love Chase, and some of the short story stuff, plus a biography. I should read more.
@GreekPhysique - I like to think of her as the American answer to Jane Austen. She just carries the same feel and style. I don't think I've ever met a guy who likes reading her though! Hah.
Heh. I did this. Or rather, I suppose that on some level, I am still doing this. There is something in my psyche that says that having so few prospects at my age means that the few that I do receive must be welcomed, acted upon. So, I've ended up with 2.5 (Official count by my friend Lin-Lin) relationships, all with guys who weren't worth my time.
A part of me wonders if it's better to be alone than to waste my time on people who don't live up to promises. Still though, any men of quality that I have picked out have been focused on others, often ones that I think would be disastrous for them. (I watch for character flaws, because if the guy has picked someone amazing, then it's not as bad, because he will probably be happy in the end.) The only guys who end up giving me the time of day turn out to be leeches.
Yay. *waves little pennant half-heartedly* Still it is hard for the Rosamonds out there. Society is far too obsessed with the supermodels for any girl to grow up with a healthy self-esteem these days.
Very well written. You have a lovely heart......and a gift for letting it show in your writing.
you have no idea how badly i needed to hear that right now. thanks a mil.
@shatterFocus - You're welcome, glad I could help.
great post, and quite true it is
Comments are closed.