February 10, 2009
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Dating Pet Peeves--Updated with Top 3
EDIT: The top 3 peeve comments were very difficult to choose. Many of you were eloquent or expressed similar thoughts. But I finally narrowed it down.
Honorable mention: AThousandTimesIveFailed reminding me of one of my biggest failings. Sorry, some of you are just too pretty for me to look at directly.
"Pet peeve... anybody (especially guys) not looking directly at me while talking. However, it's one of my own bad habits, so .. don't really have a right to be annoyed by it... "#3: Another_Rebel_Without_a_Cause bringing the truth and some great metaphors "When they lead you on. You're having a great time, conversation is sparking, and there seems to be a real connection. Then the cup is dashed from your lips. The flame is snuffed a-borning. It's quite a bitter pill to take."
#2: SecretNeverTold (and Spyderlegs also had a nice similar comment) reminding guys to take it easy
: "My pet peeve, sir, is this: when men treat me like a possession on the first date. Trying to hold my hand, trying to put their arms around my waist, etc. I don't mind polite, mind you -- by all means, open the doors and walk on the street side of the curb. But please, please please don't act as if we're a done deal on the first date! : )"
#1: abigailigator for a unique observation that I hadn't heard before. "...oh, and guys that talk too close on the first date. i think there's a set bubble for dating that gradually goes away, but on the first date it should be about the same as an acquaintance and i don't want the guy stepping into my space before ive decided he's allowed there."
I've realized that my Romance Month (from January 15 to February 14, I do this every year) posts have been somewhat chipper and optimistic lately. This, of course, is unnatural for a melancholy misanthrope like myself! I have to admit, though, for some reason I've always been oddly optimistic about the entire dating process. I figure I only have to fool one girl into liking me, so the odds are in my favor!
Still, after being overwhelmed by your response on my last post (thank you, you all are much too kind), I wanted to write another one quickly. In just a few words, what is one of your pet peeves about dating? Here's just one of mine, and then you too can comment and share yours. I will take the best three peeves from the comment section and add them to this post. If you do not want your comment to be published in the post, just put "do not publish" or something at the beginning.
My biggest peeve lately is when the lady cannot hold up her end of the conversation on the first date. After all, I took a risk and asked her on the date, and I am most likely paying for the date. I don't believe it's too much to ask that the lady be able to ask me some sensible or fun questions about myself on the date. Yet it seems that I must not only pay for the entertainment, but be the entertainment. Seriously, ladies, I thought you were supposed to be the talented ones at communication? If the date is going poorly, then stick it to me after the date--don't make me talk for both of us while my fries are getting cold (did I say fries? I meant fine Italian cuisine! hee-hee). It only prolongs the agony for both of us. I'd almost rather you'd scream "You bore me!" and run for the door!
So what's your pet peeve? And believe it or not, I think this is a healthy conversation to have. I think many of us may learn a good lesson from reading the comment section. (Guys, make sure to comment too, I'm sure the ladies would like to learn more about what annoys men. If there aren't enough guy comments, I'll post more of mine in the comment section to even things out)
Comments (50)
I would have to say that that is my complaint also, having to make all the conversation. I was bored out of my mind on one date this summer because it was primarily me holding up the coversation. When I waited for the guy to discuss something, it was either about the weather or a simple chuckle and agreement with whatever I had just said. Or it was a question with an answer I had already said in the last five minutes.
Eh, when guys don't have a sense of humor really bugs me
Hmmmm. When my date is rude to the waiter, it is VERY revealing. And uncomfortable. So don't be rude, ever!
umm...hmm...can the date itself be a pet peeve? I'm trying to think of bad date experiences...it's mean to pick on little mannerisms that annoy me...I guess...the assumption that I'm interested is what bothers me most. One would think that by accepting the date I'm expressing some interest, but this isn't necessarily the case. Moreso that I'm double-checking for myself that there isn't any.
Man I sound like a jerk.
I've never dated pets, or peeves for that matter. It would be kinda sick.
LOL @ "I figure I only have to fool one girl into liking me, so the odds are in my favor!"
Pet peeve .... hmmmnnn.
Well, I would have to say the guy who talks about everyone and everything but himself; someone who never opens up. Similarly, the guy who keeps trying to figure out what you like before revealing who he really is; someone who's more interested in trying to win you over than seeing if you are actually compatible.
Hahaha, bless you! That sounds horrible. I like to think I'm a better-than-average conversationalist, even on first dates (which I admittedly avoid at almost all costs). But that's beside the point. My pet peeve, sir, is this: when men treat me like a possession on the first date. Trying to hold my hand, trying to put their arms around my waist, etc. I don't mind polite, mind you -- by all means, open the doors and walk on the street side of the curb. But please, please please don't act as if we're a done deal on the first date! : )
Mine is when the guy wont stop talking about how amazing they are. Showing off a little can be cute but when you're more into yourself than your date there's a problem!!
i am right there with you on the conversation thing greek...I dont mind paying, picking the place, the entertainment and the like, but even i run out of fun facts and impersonal questions at a point...the girl needs to stop just staring at me blankly and participate in a little give and take
only having to trick one girl in to liking you: reason #14 why monogamy is easier than polygamy
i hate guys that are mean to the waiter, fidget excessively when i'm talking (if i have to carry the conversation and i usually do, then you better pretend to listen), and especially guys that make a huge mess at the dinner table. i think it's really rude to the people that have to clean up after us and is a sign of bad breeding/poor manners.
oh, and guys that talk too close on the first date. i think there's a set bubble for dating that gradually goes away, but on the first date it should be about the same as an acquaintance and i don't want the guy stepping into my space before ive decided he's allowed there
I am stunned by this peeve -- the women you date don't hold conversation well? How embarassing for the greater body of women! I usually worry 70% of the time that I am exceding my alloted "turn" to speak, ask questions, etc. (30% accounts for inefficiency in story-telling or thinking
).
My main pet peeve is indecisiveness. I committed big to be seen with him in public (I'm not fond of one-on-ones), can't he do me a favor and choose where we go? I like to make choices, but since I am prone to female fantasial exaggeration and will probably be playing the "can I marry you" game in my head, I would much rather let him be in control. Besides, the 'firsts' reveal snapshots of his personality that are crucial in determining if there will be 'seconds'.
Now I am aware that a number of men and women alike are going to disagree with me on this, and will say that this is simply having good manners, but here goes anyway:
My pet peeve on a date is when the evening comes to a close and the guy A.) makes some inquiring remark such as, "So what's your policy on kissing on the first date?" or B.) Simply lingers awkwardly and says, "So can I kiss you goodnight?". If I am acting in to you enough for you to be pondering this, then please just kiss me already. Less talk/more smooching = good.
although I haven't actually been on an "official" date my pet peeve is definitely when the guy is extremely indecisive, partially because I am kind of like that already (but mostly because I sincerely do not care at all, I will enjoy nearly anywhere that you choose to go). my other one is the conversation thing because certain guys can't seem to be able to say much more than one word answers to my questions and don't show that they care to ask me anything to get to know me at all!
@shandiiee - while I understand that that is your personal preference and I have nothing against that, I personally do not want a guy to kiss me on a first date (actually, I don't want to kiss a guy until I get married) and I definitely would want him to ask before he tried to kiss me. Sorry, I'm not trying to argue or anything, I just don't want any guy to think that it's safe for him to assume that if a girl seems to be into him then he should/can kiss her.
@lilas1024 - Yes, it feels tough to be the only one talking, doesn't it?! I would think it even harder if you're the woman involved.
@lizheartshakespeare - Good point. I sometimes forget to be funny, and I should know better. Women love humor, and I can be funny if I think about it.
@heyjulsiscoo - Big time! Always be sweet to the hired help, that's important. Besides, I might need another date if this one fails--maybe at least the waitress will feel sorry for me. :-p
@lauralen - LOL you are a jerk! It's about time you figured this out. Yet you were still nice enough to hang out with me when I came to visit, so you have to have a heart of gold or something.
@Such_Were_You - haha yes, I did note that my title wasn't the best. Argh, I can be so sloppy sometimes!
@grinner08 - Wait, you dislike secretive, overly investigative guys? Grinner, the irony given your Xanga style amuses me to no end! :-p Aww, I'm just teasing you--I understand your need for privacy on here, I just like teasing you about it.
@SecretNeverTold - Yes! I tend to be very hands-off on the first few dates, for that reason. It costs me with some women, but I don't care--I think it's an important message to send early on.
@flying_mia - haha yes, some guys try to impress a little too much.
That's a good one.
@Rveblade - Absolutely! Thank you, I'm glad another guy has my back on that one. I wasn't sure if it was just me dating the world's shyest women, ha.
@Abigailigator - Yeah, I think guys are watching too many dating shows or something. There's no need to get all up in the girl's business on the first date. There's an art to slowly narrowing the distance between each other.
@thirdinline_88 - That's a good point; I used to be rather indecisive, thinking I was being polite, but learned that women aren't necessarily interested in dating democracy. A little dictatorship isn't bad on occasion.
@shandiiee - Oh, I see your point, ha, one doesn't want to feel like they are haggling for a kiss. Still, you can imagine that if a girl doesn't want to be kissed, it would be quite awkward.
@IrisLoamsdownofDeephallow - Good ones! But you're nice, I don't know if every girl would be so willing to try new things if they didn't like them.
i've never been on a bad date, but i will say that a guy making the girl plan stuff all the time is lame...have a plan men! it makes the ladies feel cared for and that you thought enough about us to think ahead.
dating? uh... nah, not my thing. i'm not ready to get married yet so i don't date. maybe it's going to be the same pet peeve as yours...............
Don't really have a pet peeve.
That is probably not normal.
I will think harder. Hmm.
I'm sure there is something.
I think it's when they stop mid sentence.
It might also be when they shift to a cell phone or side convo.
When it happens I tend to forget it before I write about it.
Because first dates tend to be pretty awkward anyway, it's frustrating when the guy talks the entire time. Ask me questions, please! While I'm not as talkitive as the stereo-typical female, I do have things to say.
Also, complete self-absorption - not tipping well, not being polite to the staff, being an irritable driver... common manners go a long way!
i wrote this in a blog a while back, BUT i hate when a guy brings flowers on a first date! you don't even know me, and you are bringing me flowers? i could be the biggest bitch for all you know. don't try to impress me with that, the only way i like flowers is if you are my SO or husband. and even that, i am not a fan of them......
also. bad etiquiette(sp)....manners people, manners.....
not going to lie - boring conversations top my list of dating pet peeves.... that and rude guys. The ones that open the door for themselves, walk through and keep going.... so i'm frantically trying to catch the door, keep up with his lame ass and not look like such a moron (though... on second thought it's probably the fact that he made me look like a moron that makes me more angry than not holding the door open)
@GreekPhysique - I still don't think I managed to word that in a way that satisfies me. oh well.
I'm with you on this one. I can definitely hold up my end of the conversation but it's so much better when the other person can hold up their end too. It's not polite to just sit there like a lump.
Back when i was dating, my biggest pet peeve was when the guy insisted on paying and then left a crappy tip. The gesture of paying for the date was nice, but why be cheap when it comes to the tip?
I thought of more last night/this morning:
-When a man asks me for a (first or second) date but then wants me to tell him what I want to do. Dangit, show me you know how to plan and lead! I don't like being in charge all the time. :p
-When he launches right into planning the next six months of my life in terms of all the dates he wants to take with me.
-When the first date is by necessity too long. Plan a short date, but have an extension plan for if things are going well, so we can go somewhere and continue our conversation(s).
i'll be honest, i'm currently cranky (ok, very cranky) about the dating scene. ugh. but, i agree that a girl should also be a conversationalist and at least try to be polite even if she's not into it.
i think manners are a pet peeve of mine. i think a lot of men don't know how to hold their fork when they cut their steak. i don't have a whole lot of complaints, though. i've been on some pretty good dates so far in my lifetime. maybe i'm blessed??
My pet peeve has always been when the person becomes too touchy-feely on a date. It makes me feel uncomfortable when someone I barely know wraps their arms around me, hugs, kisses, rubs me, or grabs my hand incessantly without getting a clue. I would much rather carry on an awkward conversation (I can play 'crazy' pretty well) than squirm and wriggle my way out of slimy hands.
i think i try not to talk too much on dates, since i talk too much already ^^* but, its all about having fun and constantly laughing and feeding each other foood.
Pet peeves? When guys take me out to Italian.
Not being able to hold up their end of the convo, for sure.
I'll have to distinguish between this, but if I'm going on a date with someone I don't know very well, I hate it when they're all touchy-feely. Scary movie? No, I do not need your arm wrapped around me to keep me safe. If I -do- know you rather well and now we are dating...it's definitely a lot more welcome.
And, the one my friends think I'm crazy for, but... I dated a guy who was a horrible driver. He wouldn't let me drive - after all, it's the mans job, right!? - but I was going insane in the passenger seat. Didn't end well, maybe I'm just unique but for some reason that was a huge.
Pet peeve... anybody (especially guys) not looking directly at me while talking. However, it's one of my own bad habits, so .. don't really have a right to be annoyed by it...
@GreekPhysique - I wouldn't say secretive or overly investigational is the right term for my complaint. The problem is that they're being strategic rather than open about how they feel, what their opinions are. It's as if they're waiting for me to tell them how to act in front of me. They should just be themselves.
About my Xanga persona, I think I'm more open about how I feel on Xanga than I am in person. I say a lot more of what I feel about various topics than I do in person because I'm more in control of how my words affect me. I don't have to think so much about whose friend of a friend I might offend by saying that this or that statement was total BS.
@spokenfor - I always forget how attractive it is when a man plans ahead. But on the other hand, I feel almost like it's unfair if I just plan to my strengths for the first few dates. What a terribly conflicted man I am! haha
@stalkdebbie - Makes sense; at 28, I of course am at the age where I should be dating and looking for someone to marry.
@leadheavy - Oh yes, shifting to side convos can be very rude.
@CcloudsM - Good, I'm glad that I remember asking you questions when we met, then. I had a moment of horror as I was trying to recall details.
@ToxicAva - Ava, you are so right! I try not to overdo things on the date--I want gifts to mean something--but sometimes I feel it costs me. Glad some women agree with me!
Greek.
Though I'm married and no longer have to deal with the THAT scene, my biggest pet peeve while still in the dating pool was impersonal first dates. I couldn't stand it when the first date was simply a movie, not DINNER AND A MOVIE.
C'mon, guys, if you actually want a woman to like you then please don't leave it up to a low-budget production. If you take her out to dinner beforehand and talk about yourself (as well as get to know her a little bit) then the laughter makes the drive home after the bad movie a lot easier . Heck, you might choose to simply abandon the idea of the movie altogether if dinner doesn't go so well, making the prelude an even better idea!
~FM~
Erm. That seems a bit...cruel. Not everyone has great social skills, you know; but just because they're shy doesn't mean they're bad people.
I actually have never dated normally (still with my first bf whom I met in HS), so I don't know what my pet peeve is. I guess it would be being impolite to the service people though.
@just_the_average_jane - Yes, maybe you're right, but what upset me is that they didn't seem that shy--it felt more like they were self-centered. It's not hard to ask me back "What do you do for a living?" right after I ask you the same question, you know?
fine Italian cuisine = pizza?
Sometimes ladies don't know what to say on a date. There may be no commonalities between the two, hence the lack of conversation topics, or perhaps she's just scared about saying the wrong thing.
My biggest pet peeve is when couples are joined at the hip and have abandoned everyone else in their lives. I've done it myself, and I hate myself for it, because I burned a lot of bridges that way. Involving other people in your relationship is essential, so to go your own way together with disregard to the counsel of wise people in your life is simply foolish.
I don't like having to plan EVERY date. It's one thing to take turns deciding what to do or to offer input, but if a guy wants to date me, but can't think of anything to do together, I have to wonder if I might not have a better chance with my houseplant. At least, it might have a personality. (If I had to guess, I suppose that I would take my plant to nice, sunny places like the park.)
Yeah.
When they lead you on. You're having a great time, conversation is sparking, and there seems to be a real connection.
Then the cup is dashed from your lips. The flame is snuffed a-borning. It's quite a bitter pill to take.
Man, you really need to join e(vil empire)Harmony. lol
Uhmmm... 4 days without a blog?
Are you ILL or something?
@GreekPhysique - ha ha. Yes, you did well.
How much sugar have you consumed today??
That may be part of your problem "paying for the date." This isn't 1850 any more. Not because I am Dutch, but I'm always in favor of going Dutch, after all we are presumably dealing with two grown-ups, and if not we might as well find out now. There is a word for the other thing.
@thirdinline_88 - On indecisiveness: you took the words right out of my mouth!
I think that I'm only bothered by what you mentioned as your pet peeve. I like a good conversation, but I don't mind things being quiet, either. What I don't like is when she's quiet and gets angry at me for not talking at her. This isn't really an issue I've had in dating relationships, but it does bother me.
The conversation thing is certainly a pain. But, by the same token, self-absorped conversationsilsts can be kinda irritating too.
But for the all time pet peeve, I'm gonna have to state that poor planning is a pain in the neck. If you're gonna ask me out, please have a plan. I'm not generally a planner, and I don't like having to make the big decisions on the first date like where to eat, where to have the coffee, etc. And, being assertive, and taking command of a situation is kinda attractive, so the lack thereof is kinda annoying. I don't mind making a choice, like would you like to eat at resturaunt A or B? That's ok. But, seriously..."where do you want to go? what do you want to do?" I'd really like a guy to get creative and surprise or alternately shock me with his choices. Ya know?
@spokenfor - I swear, I think we were separated at birth. LOL. I just wrote my comment then went back and read yours. Wow. ha ha ha!
@Renaissance_Phoenix - am I not surprised?
if I give guys any piece of advice it is always plan, plan, plan - please. girls love it.
Thanks! I think I do need to find refuge. The city is wearing me thin. I am a small town girl, grew up in the middle of nowhere. It seems no matter how much I longed to live in the big city, the tranquility and peacefulness in the country will forever hold a special place in my heart. I miss my ability to focus and feel inspired when I lived in the bush. I will go back one day. For now I will make due with what I can. There is a park right across the street from my building... but even then, its just not the same for me.
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