February 10, 2009

• Nice Guys and Bad Boys: Don't Ask "Who?", Ask "Why?"

  For whatever reason, there seems to be a fair amount of debate in blogs that ladies write about so called "nice guys", the "average joe", and "bad boys". These labels are thrown about without people seemingly taking a moment to think about what those labels actually mean. I thought it would be good to write a bit about this to help some of my lady friends better understand those categories. So this post is for the ladies (NO, not all my posts are for the ladies, I heard that snide comment! haha). Here is a quick definition, although I've seen people assign a lot of definitions to both categories:

  Nice guy--someone known to be pleasant to women and to everyone, relatively kind and easy-going. May be rather quiet, or may be not that well-known. However, there are plenty of extroverted nice guys too.

  Bad boy--someone known to be more aggressive and assertive, may have trouble with authority figures. May be rather loud and brash in his actions, what he says, and the way he interacts with authorities; but there are plenty of quiet bad boys too.

  It's sloppy, but those definitions will do for the moment. Anyway, I get annoyed when I hear women say they like "nice guys" or "bad boys" as a category. I think that women need to be more careful than that when understanding the category. Forget what category they fall into (and any list that has only two categories is pretty dumb), WHY are they in that category?

  Let's take bad boys first. Some men are naturally aggressive, and tend to act first and ask questions later. However, they are this way because of their passion for what they think is important. And if their list of "what is important" includes things like standing up for their friends, arguing for what is right, and making sure to make the best of every moment, YES! by all means that's a bad boy worth liking. Sure, you may need to occasionally ask your bad boy to calm down or walk away, but I've known a few hyperactive guys who cut out their slightly destructive behaviors once they had a girlfriend who loved and appreciated them. Sometimes the guy is not truly as bad as he seems--he's just a little restless or going through a phase. Or, he just needs to find meaning in life, and if you can give that to him, all that passion goes towards productive things.

  On the other hand, if your bad boy is that way because of his anger problem, or because he is a narcissist who desires to dominate all other sub-humans, you are crazy for liking him. Some bad boys have been mistreated before, and are now out for blood, while others have lived a privileged life and think they are owed everything. If you stick with such a man, he will leave you bruised and battered, cynically believing that all men are animals. I don't have much pity for you if you think that your love can fix his 18+ years of being a self-centered monster. And that funny sense of humor may not be because he likes having fun--it may be because he is so bitter about his life, he can't stop mocking everyone.

  What about nice guys? Some guys just are really laid-back and easy-going. Yes, they are passionate about some things, but you have to encourage them to talk to find out what it is. However, just like for women, sometimes the quietest are the sweetest and most interesting. Also, some passionate guys can also be very nice...but when something happens that they think is worth fighting for, they are as aggressive and passionate as any bad boy. A gentleman in the street, perhaps, but that does not mean he will be weak when it matters. And there can be something very refreshing about someone who is slow to anger and quick to forgive. As long as this does not stem from weakness, who doesn't want a patient partner?

  On the other hand, nice guys can often be that way out of fear--fear of authority, fear of growing up, fear of even the opposite gender. If he's nice to you because he's afraid that telling you the truth will make you leave, then you're in trouble. I hope you enjoy the many years of him sitting on the couch reading his paper and muttering "yes dear" "sorry dear", because that's what you're in for. Also, quite a few so-called "nice guys" can conceal a very nasty streak when they think that no one's watching. I don't care how nice you think he is; given anonymity or the chance that no one might find out, he may cruelly out-do any bad boy you know. You haven't heard him in the locker room telling the guys what he'd really do if he had a chance; I have.

  Ah, as usual, I've been properly bipolar in my post! But I hope this helped you a little bit. Don't fall in love with a category by itself--keep your eyes open and find out why the person is that way. If you do this wisely, you may find yourself an absolutely wonderful man that would have been easy to write-off at first as a one-dimensional joker or softie.

  • 6:16 pm
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