March 22, 2009

• Summing up Online Relationships

  I thought it would be good to write some kind of concluding statement to online relationships and safety after all the posts on it these last few weeks. This is hardly the last word, just a postscript of sorts.

  I. Never let your online relationship progress further in your head than it has in real life. Here on Xanga, I follow a careful little sequence of activity. I first talk on Xanga via comment, then by message. If it looks like we have some things in common, I then suggest we talk by AIM. But, I try to withhold personal information as long as possible until I'm sure we actually do have a possibility for a real friendship. I try not to connect with someone who is not ready to give back--else I'll be giving myself without receiving anything back. And I try not to get too excited about new friendships unless the other person shares my enthusiasm.

  II. Expose your relationship to the light. Beware of someone who just wants to talk by message or by AIM, or seems to be allergic to anything that would yield a paper trail. Beware of someone who has 500 friends but claims you're the only one he/she is interested in. And don't be afraid to ask your real-life friends to take a look at the person's e-mails or site and see what they think. Better a little embarrassment now than shame later.
  
  III. Know your kryptonite, and be naturally suspicious. For example, on Xanga there used to be a site for a woman who claimed to be your normal down-to-earth person--except that her photos/videos were way too well-done to be the work of an average photographer. She was impersonating an actress, for the record. For men, beware of photos/video that are "too good to be true"; if you're average, and a super-hot girl is talking to you, she probably isn't real! I know that's brutal, but hey, just being honest. For women, if a man is constantly bombarding you with sweet compliments--look, you're probably not that good. Don't shut off your critical thinking just because you are turned on by how he/she interacts with you. Make them give up information first if you are a woman--you have more to lose, in some ways, and if he can't appreciate that, it's a sure sign you shouldn't be around him. Also, it's very easy to look up information about most people on Xanga; so if the person sounds unusually knowledgeable about you, or is too quick to add you on Facebook without permission, I would be suspicious/cautious. Real friends don't get pushy.

  IV. Respect the other person's space. It can be very easy to feel you truly understand the person from reading their Xanga. I've felt this way many times. But even if this really did happen, don't use that knowledge to forge articificially rapid intimacy with them. Be patient, and form the relationship naturally. You should not be divulging your life's secrets (or hearing their secrets) in the first week of knowing each other; that's unhealthy.

  V. Hope wisely, and you may be rewarded. I once saw a basketball game on TV, and said "Wow, I really like that one girl on the team, there's something different about her!" I read up on her, and realized that amusedly, we did have several things in common. Knowing that, I went on Myspace, found her profile, talked to her about what we had in common...and she's a friend today. There are some amazing possibilities on the Web. You can communicate with people who you normally may not be able to meet, and sometimes, amazingly, you hit it off and form a lovely friendship. After all the semi-discouraging things I said above, it's still true that many tight, life-long friendships and marriages can be formed from the Web.
  
  VI. You're never completely safe, anywhere; you're just safer. Let's be honest; there are just as many dangers in your own neighborhood as there are on the Web. That friendly neighbor a few years older than you who waves to you while he's cutting the grass? You don't even want to know what he watches in the privacy of his own home. I at times get annoyed with this idea that "well, if they are on the Internet and aren't smiling, they are bad; if I know them and they smile, they are good." Always think safety, but realize that you can never fully protect yourself. Now, should this make you overly afraid? No; it just means that you realize that there's only so much you can do, and you shouldn't drive yourself crazy about what you can't control.
  
  VII. On a meetup, never lose control. So suppose you have found someone trustworthy, well-known, and followed all the rules above. You decide to meet your friend in person. Make sure you have an exit strategy ready if the two of you don't get along. Don't decide to stay over their apartment; don't let them drive you to and from the airport; etc. You want to retain your freedom if something doesn't go well. And be careful about giving out your phone #/address; basically, never meet a person you feel you can't trust with personal information.

  Ugh, not my best post, but I felt like I should give a few tips while I'm at it. How about you, any stories/tips to add?

  • 9:18 pm
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